I have often felt that there was much more to the story of The Grinch Who Stole Christmas. So, in accordance with this, my determination to ask of Grinch, I retired to my living room to make the attempt. It was on the evening of a cloudy wintry night, late in the year two thousands and eight. It was the first time in my life that I had made such an attempt, for amidst all my anxieties I had never as yet made the attempt to pray about a movie.
After I had retired to the place where I had previously designed to go, having made some popcorn, and finding myself alone, I kneeled down and inserted the DVD. I had scarcely done so, when immediately the TV was seized upon by some power which entirely pissed me off, and had such an astonishing influence over me as to loose my tongue so that I could speak things most unspeakable. Thick darkness gathered around me, and it seemed to me for a time as if I were doomed to sudden destruction. Then I realized I had the TV on the wrong channel.
It no sooner appeared than I found myself delivered from the enemy which held me bound. When the light rested upon me I saw two Personages, whose brightness and glory defy all description, standing above me on the screen. One of them spake unto me, calling me by name and said, pointing to the other--"This is Max, my beloved Dog, Hear Him!" "Woof", said Max.
My object in going to inquire of the Grinch was to know which of all the Christmas cartoons was right, that I might know which to buy. No sooner, therefore, did I get possession of myself, so as to be able to speak, than I asked the Personages who stood above me in the light, which of all the cartoons was right and which I should watch.
I was answered that I must watch none of them, for they were all wrong, except his. The Personage who addressed me said that all their animations were an abomination in his sight; that their sound effects were all corrupt; that: "they draw me with bad lips, and their story editors are far from me, their production supervisors are all men, having a form of Looney Tunes, but they deny the power thereof."
He again forbade me to watch with any of them; and many other things did he say unto me, which I cannot write at this time. When I came to myself again, I found myself lying and looking up into my 42' plasma TV. When the light had departed, I had no strength; but soon recovering in some degree, I went and took a pee.
It was then that I realized the magnitude of what had just happened to me. For years I had felt it, but now it seemed so clear. For when I remembered the FEELINGS I felt as the Grinch lifted his toy laden sleigh upon the side of Mount Crumpit, I KNEW this story to be true. Never did any passage of cartoon come with more power to the heart of man than this did at this time to mine. It seemed to enter with great force into every feeling of my heart. I reflected on it again and again, knowing that if any person needed a cartoon like The Grinch, I did.
I had not FELT this way since watching "The Best of Paul H Dunn Conference Bedtime Stories". I just KNOW his stories to be true too.
So it was with me. I had actually seen a light, and in the midst of that light I saw two personages, and they did in reality bark to me; and though I was hated and persecuted for saying that I had a big television, yet it was true; I actually have a 42" television; and who am I that I can withstand Grinch? I had seen a vision; I knew it, and I knew that the Grinch knew it, and I could not deny it.
I KNOW that those "intellectuals" at the SMYTHsonian Institute should take this story seriously.
I KNOW that if they did, we could find Mount Crumpit and Who-Ville. I'm no Hugh Nibley, but I suspect we could find evidence of Who Ville in a limited geography thesis. I'm just a computer guy, but I think I can speak with great authority that WHEN the Who-Villians are found, that their DNA and descriptions will be just as described in Holy Writ. Further, I suspect that it will be found that the Who Villians are AMONG THE ANCESTORS of the Sasquatch. The body hair, the walking upright, the snow, the trees, the cave... and Bigfoot. It was all beginning to come together. It made sense. I KNEW it was true. As Sasquatch is, the Grinch once was... but that's really more of a couplet than anything else.
Gordon B Whoville once said that "Either the Grinch raised the sled midst trailing clouds of glory, or he did not". Either the Grinch is true, or it is a heresy. As for me and my family, we will serve the Grinch.
Faithless heretics at POSTGRINCH and EXGRINCH are quick to point out a supposedly sordid relationship between the Grinch and Cindy Lou Who, who was no more than two. Yes, we know the Grinch took her to bed. Yes, we know that later, Cindy sat by him while he served her some meat. But there were others at that last supper, who did also partake. Kind of a Suessament of sorts. Even IF the Grinch slept with Cindy Lou, it must have been OK. Otherwise, how could I explain the FEELINGS I felt as he hefted that sled most triumphant??
Scholars argue about whether the wire heart frame that broke was real or not. I suggest that these faithless intellectuals get down on their knees and pray until they can discern the doctrinal from the metaphorical.
Other evidences have also been forthcoming. In 1966, Papyrus scrolls were rediscovered, destroying one religion. In 1966, The Grinch Who Stole Christmas made its movie debut. I was born in 1966. Coincidence?? I think not. The Lard giveth, and the Lard taketh away.
I KNOW that the Grinch visited WhoVille anciently.
I KNOW that the Who-Villians saw a new star.
I KNOW the Grinch fixed the light that would light on but one side, and
I KNOW that he himself carved the roast beast.
I KNOW the Grinch is true.
I say these things in the name of his dog, Max, Ahem.