True Peace/Rebecca, it's a beautiful letter. I'm sorry that your wedding excluded those you loved, but I'm happy that they are in your life now and that you are working your way out of the trap that once interfered in sharing the love that was in your heart. Let us know how they receive this. And we're glad to have you with us.
Thank you so much! Your letter was so well researched and makes sense! Hope you don't mind but I will be using parts of it with my own children and family who are so deep in this cult.
A bit of the text is from my exit letter but
I wrote most of the letter below this afternoon. I don't plan on sending it out but I would guess that I will share some of its content verbally this summer. We are planning a family reunion this summer and my dad decided it wise to ask each of his kids to spend a few minutes sharing our thoughts. I suspect it's going to be a testimony festival and very likely a clusterf#ck.
I know that you love
me and I sincerely hope you know I love you.
We have many shared experiences and some of them are such that I don't
think anyone but us would understand them.
For example, life in Hudson's Hope was a mishmash of hardships and
beauty that I drew us together in ways that are hard to explain to those that
were not there. (Our family homesteaded land in northern Canada when I was a
child). Our family is part of the fabric
part of who I am, as is the church.
From birth the church
wove threads into every aspect of our lives.
The church taught us who we were, why were are here, where we stand with
God, and where we stand in relation to others.
I was a child of God but more than just any child of God. I was descended from pioneer stock; the
greatest and most courageous of all people to walk the earth. Mormons were better than most because God
saved His most precious and valiant souls to receive and share the gospel in
the last dispensation of time; to prepare for the second coming of the
savior. As a member of the LDS church, I
was wiser and more informed because my valiance in the preexistence allowed me
to receive the Holy Ghost which enhances our ability to see spiritual
things. I was taught from birth that our
family and those in our religion were God's chosen elite. I believed this even knowing that our living
conditions were anything but elite. God
had a different way of measuring the value of souls than the monetary metric
that humans use. I still believe that if
there is a God, He measures human value with no respect for monetary wealth.
We are taught there
is a prophet and he communicates God's messages to the earth. This is the core of the LDS faith. That I no longer believe the prophet is a
prophet is the core of why I no longer believe the LDS church. One of my first moments of serious doubt
began in high school. I was learning in
history about Abraham Lincoln and Harriet Tubman. Lincoln as you know did a lot to free the
slaves. Harriet Tubman was an escaped
slave that upon reaching the North returned to the South to set up the
Underground Railroad. Had she been
caught she would have been tortured and hung and yet she continued. In English
class I was learning about Henry David Thoreau and how he went to prison rather
than register for the draft for a nation that condoned slavery.
Across the street
from the school, I went to seminary. I
was taught about Abinadi and how he stood before the court of King Noah and
bravely faced his own execution to stand for what is right. The story of Abinadi has always resonated
with me. I saw a connection between the
integrity of Abinidi and that of Harriet Tubman and others I was learning about
in US history.
While I was in high
school, the church gave blacks the priesthood.
President Kimball had a revelation while in the Salt Lake temple. My seminary teacher, Brother Jaen challenged
all of us students to pray and get our own witness that President Kimball's
revelation was from God. (Brother Jaen
was in our ward as you recall and everybody liked him. I especially liked Brother Jaen because he played
the guitar. All other seminary teachers
paled in comparison.)
Brother Jaen's
request for us to pray was likely unnecessary because almost all LDS kids were
ecstatic about that revelation. Before
praying, I was convinced it was great. I
was not aware that earlier prophets had testified that Blacks would never
receive the priesthood in this life. I
took my seminary teacher's suggestion to pray seriously because I respected
Brother Jaen.
I knelt and prayed
and very soon an idea impressed upon me that I could not shake. The answer was that the revelation was a
copout. That it was 100 years too late
and lacked courage. That Harriet Tubman had more courage in her little
finger than all the twelve apostles combined. That
dozens of leaders from other churches were more courageous than President
Kimball because they gave Blacks membership on equal standing decades
earlier. That is what the still small
voice kept telling me. I kept praying
hoping to get a different answer that told me that the revelation was pure, but
the still small voice kept saying the same thing. Soon I quit praying about the revelation and
mentally shelved the whole experience because it conflicted with my whole world
view. I went on a mission with that thought
on a shelf.
My mission added more
information for me to mentally shelve.
The people of Nova Scotia were undeniably every bit as happy and full of
integrity as any Mormons I have met and yet they are among the slowest to
accept the church. How could these
people have such integrity and such honesty without the Holy Ghost? Wasn't the Holy Ghost supposed to make people
better? Yet compared to Nova Scotians,
Arizona Mormons are materialistic and self centered. I knew that the church members were going to
be perfect but why wasn't the church membership at least as good as the general
non member population? The membership
seemed mostly interested in big houses, big cars, and boats. I was reading the Book of Mormon and noticed
the recurring theme that the Nephites would become puffed up in their pride and
value costly apparel and costly things. The Book of Mormon is indeed the story of a
people that turned to materialism and then were struck down by God for their
puffed up love of material things. Book of Mormon prophets like Abinadi would
courageously call the people to repentance but I didn't see similar courage in
modern prophets. The General Authorities said more to condemn male facial hair
or the color of the shirts men wear to church than they did about the
materialism that overpowers the LDS population.
Materialism is part of the non LDS population as well but church leaders
didn't address that either. I couldn't
help think that either God really cared a lot about facial hair or white shirts
or the General Authorities once again lacked the courage to address more
difficult issues. I put this on a shelf
for a while too.
There were many
issues that popped up and I kept putting them on a shelf until about three
years after my mission. I was in the
front yard of our house in Gilbert and the thought occurred to me. The Church is not true.
Some of the time I got answers to prayers telling me that it was true
and other times I got answers that it wasn't. I continued to shelve the
negative answers because I wasn't allowing for the possibility that the church was false.
As soon as I allowed for that possibility, I was convinced it was false
and that prayer might not be the best way to get an answer. Prayer tells Baptists that their faith is
true, Hindus that their faith is true, and Muslims that their faith is true, and so on.
I lost faith in prayer as a way to gain answers at the same time I lost
faith in the church. The General
Authorities are just men doing the best they can. Sometimes their thoughts and teachings go
awry and when that happens, people get hurt because they take their words as
the words of God. I felt a huge weight
lift off my shoulders and I sprinted down the street and didn't stop for a long
time. I continued to attend church for a
while, but couldn't believe it again.
I have left out many
details and perhaps there are too many details already. Years down the road, I researched some
aspects of the church teachings and found that there are many aspects of church
history that don't square with what is being taught. Indeed in five minutes anyone with an open
mind to the possibility it could be false can determine that it is false with
Google. In thirty minutes you can verify
what you found on Google with church sources.
That wasn't why I left, however.
I left many years before Google and without having read anything
critical of the church, unless one counts the history of the United States as
critical of the church.
I look to leaders for
their courage and willingness to stand for what they feel is right. Dad is that sort of man. He stands for what he feels is right. I feel that way about Dad even though we
don't see eye to eye about what is right all time. We do see many things in common and I think
there is something damaging about focusing too much attention on differences
and ignoring commonalities.
I believe in love for
fellow humans. I believe in family
bonds. I believe that there is good in
all people. I believe in mutual respect
for other points of view. This is important because I think it is an idea that
gets lip service from the church membership, but too often isn't applied.
I regret that there
is a gap in ideology that divides those that leave the church from those that
are in it. Those that leave like me
don't often feel their opinions are valued because sometimes our points of view
are seen as dangerous or of the devil.
I deeply wish that we could close that gap but I do not hold much hope
for that. I think that gap between
Mormons and those that leave will always exist as long as those that leave are
considered fallen, lost, wayward, inactive, in need of a testimony, or
otherwise in need of correction.
I do not need
correction and I don't think I need to repent.
I am happy, happier than I have ever been. I wish all of you the most happiness in
whatever you choose to do or believe. I
still believe the 11th Article of Faith that says, "We claim the
privilege of worshiping Almighty God according to the dictates our own
conscience, and allow all men the same privilege, let them worship how, where,
or what they may. " My time out of the church has been the best twenty years of
my life. I don't ever regret leaving. I
love you all and wish you the best.
I like this a lot, Hiker. I like that you didn't argue details of what did or didn't happen historically, but instead focused on your experiences as history happened. I also liked the way that you centered on courage and being right as traits that prophets ought to possess. It was great how you gave some kudos to your dad for his courage. It's a really good letter and a good start to an un-testimony (not anti-testimony).
This is a letter I hope to someday in the future have enough courage to
send. I would appreciate any insight, critiques, or opinions...
I want to thank everyone who has posted their own letters in this
thread, it has greatly influenced my own decision to write a letter to
my loved ones. Sorry for the excessive length....
Dear Family & Friends,
Letters
often seem to be the best way to condense and concisely present ideas and
thoughts. Letters bring the added benefit of time; one can mull over the
perfect words to adequately describe a certain stance or position with no outside
forces or interruptions. This is my attempt at such a letter; I do not have the
most eloquent verbal skills—I can only hope that I choose the right words to
express myself in written form. This is a letter meant to bring peace, respect,
and love to both parties regarding my relationship with the LDS church—I have
no other intentions than to simply express my own personal journey.
Culture is an interesting thing;
it shapes your thoughts, influences your ideas, and is what you rely and draw
upon to help construct not only your world view but how you handle life
decisions. My culture has and always will be Mormonism. It has definitely
helped shape me, but I have always known that it never quite defined or fit
with who I was as an individual. Even when I was small it felt like the church
and I were separate entities—never quite reaching the point of overlap. I have
had so many role models that have shown quite beautifully how the church and
their personality/identity perfectly coincided. I greatly admire them as
individuals and their strength and conviction in what they believe—that is a
valuable trait to possess. My belief system has always been a little different
in that reconciling an absolute truth (whether that truth is atheism or the LDS
faith) is for me the equivalent of juggling elephants: it defines the
amazingness of who you are but I personally will never possess the resources to
achieve that moment of society-defined clarity.
What does that mean if I neither
label myself an atheist or a member of the LDS faith? I suppose the most
accurate label would be agnostic—unfortunately most people are
uncomfortable
with or have negative attitudes towards that term. Often, it gets
confused with
apatheism/apathy (an inaccurate description of an agnostic in my
opinion). I’ll
try my best to portray what being an agnostic means for me. A generic
dictionary definition of the term is as follows: a person who holds the
view that any ultimate reality (as God) is unknown and probably
unknowable; one who is not committed to believing in either the
existence or the nonexistence of God or a god. For me, it comes down to
the concept of an absolute truth--all sides have complete conviction in
the truth they speak and consider the 'burning of the bosom', praying,
reading scholarly academic articles, testimonies of others, delving into
the sciences, or examining certain evidence as manifestations of the
truth in what this life means for every individual. Regardless of what
one chooses for their life, a leap of faith is taken in one's conviction
that they are correct in basing the entire course of their life in that
path. This concept applies to all religious/non-religious/philosophical
beliefs that cater to a world full of 6.9 billion people. These choices
enhance what we as individuals believe our purpose is, but it is never
truly known if we made the correct choice. Regardless of my age, answers
I've received from church authorities/religious people/non-religious
people, prayers, reading scriptures, fasting, attending church, not
attending church, all my life experiences, expressed testimonies of
people who believe and those that do not--my authentic identity is not
defined by either side of what some might label the 'fence'.
I’ve never met someone who has expressed as much of
an agnostic mind-set as myself—I would imagine they have the same difficulties
in describing the mechanics in what being an agnostic is really like. To be
clear, it’s not a matter of ‘I can’t make up my mind’ or anything resembling
the connotations of what ‘fence-sitter’ might imply; it is more-so the
conviction that an absolute truth of any kind is an unevolved and a potentially
limiting frame of mind—certitude is definitely admirable but has the potential
to be incredibly flawed based on our own biases, culture-lenses, bitterness,
feelings, experiences, and interactions with others. It’s silly because
basically everything I’ve just said is what makes us human (but
as humans, many of us experience the exact same things
which lead us to a variety of conclusions). In
my mind, it is our variety and differences that should be valued—the concept of
absolute truth is unachievable and also undesirable to me. The only absolute
truth I know of that has no potential to be redefined, changed, later on
evolve, become flawed, etc. is that we are all unique individuals with a
diversity of belief, opinion, personalities, and interests. From what I’ve
observed and practiced in my own life, the greatest happiness comes from:
respecting, accepting, and loving all positions of religion/belief and not holding
the superiority card.
Many people often ask me what I
believe my purpose is for this life if I do not follow any organized religion.
I do not claim to be right in my life choices—all I can do is follow my conscience,
the concept of common sense, and adhere to innate moral principles that dwell
from my own strength as an individual; I can only hope to do more good than
harm to this world while attempting to live authentically. Whether you are
reading this letter and have a familial tie or some sort of friendship with
me—I want to stress that I am essentially the same person I have always
been and I care deeply for all of you. Please know that it is not my intention
to harm or hurt any individual reading this.
We are taught that people leave the church for more-or-less
3 main reasons:
1. 1. An
individual ‘offended’ them in some way or another.
2 2. There is
some persisting sin/desire to sin that is too stressful or large to reconcile
with.
3. It is easier for the
individual to deny the church than to accept its truthfulness.
I would like to personally plead to any individual
out there to abandon these limiting trails of thought. They are not only
inaccurate, but harmful and have the potential depending on the context to be
quite harmful to the individual’s trust in you. Although I am sure there are
indeed people who these reasons would be applicable to, for many people these
one-size-fits-all explanations do not describe their personal journey at all.
In my case, I feel as though none of those above mentioned reasons fit with how
I’ve come to accept my agnostic identity—I’ll try to explain why:
1.
An individual
‘offended’ them in some way or another.
I have never at any
time felt offended by any LDS member’s actions toward me. I believe that
members of my home ward, my family, and all my LDS friends are innately good
and wonderful people. And even if there was behavior that I deemed ‘offensive’,
I promise I wouldn’t be petty enough to base my entire church experience around
that one act. My identity has been mine for a long time, but the acceptance of that
my frame of mind is something that has not been decided lightly. Nor has it
been based on any actions people have towards me.
1.
There is
some persisting sin/desire to sin that is too stressful or large to reconcile
with.
2. This is a hard one to
try to explain because I feel as though no matter what I say everything can
always be turned around in an accusation of me not praying hard enough, not
reading the scriptures enough, not fasting enough, not going to church enough, not
being a regular tithing payer, or not doing enough of something. I want to state that I have not committed any sin that
in my mind would be too much to come back from or that is too hard to deal with.
It’s always been extremely difficult to reconcile my culture with my identity. I
promise that throughout the years I have taken every faith-promoting avenue
available to me seriously—but none of it has in my opinion brought absolute religious
clarity.
1.
3. It is
easier for the individual to deny the truth than to accept its truthfulness.
I promise that in no
way shape or form is having who I am as an individual clashing with my culture ‘easy’—everyone
has ties to how they were raised and disappointing those within that culture is
heartbreaking. For starters, the fall-out and worries of how people will treat
you when you make the final declaration of ‘this is my truth’ is a horribly
anxious feeling that I wish on no human being. On a more personal note, many of
you are aware of certain anxiety issues I have (specifically with vehicles and
driving)—this extends to religion too. On many occasions I have experienced
what I would call ‘mini-panic attacks’ because of the guilt I felt at
disappointing family/friends/God in that I could not reconcile any set-belief
as absolute truth. Those moments were certainly not easy, but now that I’ve
come to terms with my agnosticism I feel much freer and much more in tune with
myself, to be honest I have a lot more potential to be happier.
That last word brings me to another point: happiness. We are taught that
the greatest happiness comes from being a member of the LDS church. I don’t
understand how that is measurable since in all actuality the only happiness we
can truly state with absolute certainty is our own; being a judge for other
people’s happiness is in my opinion wrong. We are taught that people who leave
the church are either bitter and/or miserable. There are many faith-promoting
stories in church that testify to this belief as well. From what I’ve observed,
people/church leaders that tell these stories are talking to these
transitioning individuals in their early stages of leaving the church—when they
are the most shocked, confused, and disheartened about coming to terms with
leaving their religion. I think it is an unfair assessment to when talking to
these individuals to label them as ‘miserable’ for the rest of their life
forward. There are many people in this world who lead amazing and happy lives
outside of the church—wonderful people that contribute so much to society. I
would like the opportunity to become one of those people. I would like for
people not to pity me and to respect me enough to not use me in one of their
faith-promoting stories about someone leaving the church.
If you’ve gotten to this point of my letter you
might be wondering what specific issues I have with the church. I’ve been
deliberately vague about those issues on purpose. I have many issues with
certain doctrines and discrepancies of church history, but I have no desire or
wish to undermine anyone’s testimony in the church. I believe in respecting all
individuals’ beliefs, please know that I respect all of your positions and
testimonies of the church and I would never ever try to change that. If anyone
wishes to discuss certain specific issues I have with church doctrine and
church history I am more than willing
to do that but I ask that you be aware of what issues surround the church and
not come at me with a repeated mantra of ‘I know *fill in the blank* is true’—those
types of discussions do not reach me as an individual. There is an amazing
youtube video made by a man that is still an active LDS member that perfectly
details (many, not all) of these historical and doctrinal discrepancies—he made
it so that family members could understand some of the reasons why people leave
the church and how to help them. While I don’t think this video accurately
represents me emotionally (I don’t consider myself angry with these discoveries
since most of my life I’ve been trying to reconcile my identity and the LDS
faith) it is an accurate portrayal of quite a few of the issues. If you wish to
start a discussion with me about my stance in the church, I ask that you watch
this youtube video first: Why People Leave the LDS Church (Mormon) and what
Family/Friends/Community can do about it: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uZQJc5SxnVs.
All of the sources on this video and also in my own personal journey do not
come from Anti-Mormon literature—they come from credible sources such as
Journals of Discourse, General Authorities, Church Volumes, journals from
Mormons in the 1800s, Court records, Church historians, etc.
Lastly, I want to reiterate the fact that this isn’t
a letter meant to attack any individual or the LDS faith. This is a letter
meant to explain my own personal truth: I’m agnostic. Hopefully I haven’t left
any holes in my explanations and I certainly hope I was clear enough. I wish
you all happiness, peace, and love in your journey through life and I hope you
all wish the same for me.
There are many people in this world who lead amazing and happy lives
outside of the church—wonderful people that contribute so much to society. I
would like the opportunity to become one of those people. I would like for
people not to pity me and to respect me enough to not use me in one of their
faith-promoting stories about someone leaving the church.
I liked the whole letter but especially this. Every person has the right to find their own road and for some it isn't the one they were raised to follow. I am glad you have found your freedom.
For a lot of years now I held on to a lot of resentments towards you. First, I am so angry that you felt your temple marriage was more important than protecting your children from an abusive father. No form of marriage is worth that. No church should put a child's safety behind a marriage.
When I was eight and all my friends were getting baptized you allowed my father to make me think I was unworthy of baptism since he was not able to perform the baptism due to his worthiness issues. It certainly laid the foundation for inadequacies I was to feel later on.
You finally left him when I was nine. We moved to a ward where we were the only kids without a mother and a father. Everyone looked down on us. What was wrong with me that my parents weren't married.
The next move and next ward was even worse. My brother and I hated going to church. We would do everything to get out of going.We didn't fit in with the other kids. The solution you and the church came up with was to send me to a good mormon foster family. I spent a year with them and when I came back I was angrier than ever.
In young women's they hammered in that if you had sex before marriage no man would ever want you. You were essentially damaged goods. So when I was raped by our next door neighbor I knew no man would ever want me. I allowed other men to use me. I don't think I will ever understand why you went to the Bishop. I have often wondered if being excommunicated at the age of 17 made me the youngest person ever excommunicated.
I guess I really wonder why it never occurred to anyone what I really needed is for someone to reach out to me and say, "you are still worth loving."
You were so proud of me when I decided to come back when I was 23. Looking back I am not sure myself why I came back. Perhaps there was still a part of me looking for acceptance. I still wanted the perfect Mormon marriage. But as an adult I never had that confirmation everyone spoke of assuring me that the church is true. I floundered for another decade anguishing because I could not find a man and listening to well intentioned members telling me that I wasn't praying hard enough or I should fast more. Never mind the bishop's wife who suggested I was too fat.
The day I stopped wearing garments was very freeing. I left the church and guess what Mom, I married a really great guy. I still carrt a lot of baggage from the church but I can honestly say I am happier than I have ever been. I don't have to be Mormon to be a good person.
That is beautiful. I'm so sorry about the pain that came to you in life, especially the pain that was augmented by membership in the LDS church. I know that we can't avoid all of the hurts in this old world, but some of it is so needless and preventable.
Have you sent this to your mother? If so, how did she respond? Or is this a letter that you just need to write for your own benefit? Either way, I think it's beautiful. I'm glad you found your someone. Congratulations on the courage in taking off the garments and being your real self. I hope that happiness comes to you again and again.
Dad, since you will likely never see this, I am going to speak my mind about my issues with the church and my issues with you. Believe me, if I could separate my church issues from my family issues I would. They are inextricably intertwined.
I will get right to it. I love you. But I need to tell you how disappointed and angry I am with you. You were my example of a man, father, priesthood holder, etc... In many ways you were admirable. But what peeves me is that you are more show than go. You have charm, intelligence, and wit. People like you. You know what to say to get people to trust and believe you. You are just like the church in that respect. You look the right way, say the right things, and do the right things.
But I know all is not well in Zion. You have some skeletons in your closet. I don't know what they are exactly, but I fear they are significant. You have a secret life. It has made you live a narrative of financial challenges that you have had to make up a shell of lies to keep your family - my mother, my siblings, and myself - away from whatever secret you have been keeping hid. Could the IRS really be putting major leins, garnishing wages, continually auditing you for over a quarter century? Or is there more to the story? You had a good and relatively stable career. Yet you were constantly having to pay entities - for decades. As soon as one was, as you put it, paid off, the IRS would be auditing you again. As a youngster I believed you that maybe the IRS was out to get you, despite you always playing by the rules and just trying to clear your name. Then a few decades went by. When I found out my own credit was messed up due to you, I began to question. When your promises of "help" never materialized, I learned to stop relying on you to avoid frustration and disappointment. Then you retired, and in your words were "free and clear" of all the financial obligations that have plagued you for almost 25 years. Mom died and you went to live with my siblings, who, as it turned out, supported you monetarily. Apparently, "your partners" had screwed you again, and you had no retirement despite decades of building back a profitable business. Did they really screw you? Or is there more to the story? Your old partners are doing fine. If they were always screwing you, why did you keep working with them? I'll bet they were not screwing you. That is what you told us to keep us from the truth. I believe you have no money saved because you have other obligations. No, not with the IRS. That was a front to keep us confused.
It doesn't really matter anymore, though. I am making my own way. I did it by myself. It wasn't that I ever really needed your help. You just kept making me promises because you can't stand to have someone disappointed or upset with you. You want everyone to think you are the shit. Interestingly, many still do. You are always a church leader - special callings, stake positions, temple worker. Imagine that. Always looked upon as wise and worthy to everyone at church. Maybe you will never tell the truth. Maybe you will die with it.
I can't live like you do. I can't profess one thing and live another. Guilt and self-doubt have plagued me since I was a child. Depression and anxiety. Nervous breakdowns. Medication. Therapy. All so I can keep going. Keep my testimony alive. Keep active enough to be counted worthy, to stay under the radar. Always had to see the bishop about something. Always praying for help, for forgiveness, to understand who I really am, and what I really want. Not like you. You make everyone think you have all the answers, all under control. Everything is good. Always on the right path. I believed you. I believed your ideas. Your philosophies. Your politics. It all fit in your mind. It all fit to everyone who listened to you. Why couldn't I make it fit? What was wrong with me? Why was I different?
Maybe nothing is wrong with me. Maybe I really wanted to know the truth. Maybe I have integrity. Maybe things didn't fit in my mind because they truly don't fit. Maybe it's you. Maybe everything you stand for is a lie, a show, a box neatly wrapped with a bow. The church has lies, too. You defend them. It figures. The church's lies are your lies. You want to be recognized. You want power and control. You want to be adored, respected, maybe even feared. No wonder you love the church. It gives you what you need. You the worthy male priesthood holder. God's noble servant. The church needs you, too. You give it money. You give it a face. You make people like you, and they in turn like the church.
I don't like the church, and it certainly doesn't like me. I'm a liberal, a so-called intellectual. I'm a male feminist, a democrat. I was the only one in the family to stand up for your gay daughter. Over time you softened, but not before I gave you the what for. I have to shut up in church. You can talk, and people listen, because you say what they want to hear, what the church wants them to hear. But you're a liar, and I know it. I don't have much proof, but it doesn't matter. I'm ready to move on, to heal.
Dad, I'm leaving the church. I'm happier without it. I don't believe it anymore. It's not true. It never was. Maybe you will never see it, or maybe you do but you have too much to lose. Well, you can have it. You are made for each other.
Right now there is lightning and thunder happening outside my window. The tingles I felt, however, were from the directness of your words. Sorry about your dad. As a dad who has some failings, I hope you can somehow forgive him. I absolutely ache to have warmer and more frequent contact with my kids. Personally I think the biggest advantage of forgiving is that it gives us room to eventually forgive ourselves.
Great letter. I hope there's relief. Thanks for sharing.
You know, I wish outsiders--people who are still in the church but wondering how to respond to a disaffected family member, people who are investigating the church, non-Mormons with a friend who is in turmoil--would read these letters. They say so much.
Thanks for the kind words. It was kind of a venting post. I will never send it. I may address these issues with my dad at some point, but I really don't think it would change anything. I came to the realization that I have felt that I needed something more from our relationship, but I never could put my finger on it. Over time I began to realize that when something is not adding up, something is being hid. It's hard to explain. The best I could describe is that it rarely felt genuine. I don't fault my dad for being imperfect. Quite the opposite actually. He WAS perfect. Or at least was really good at presenting himself as such. If he did admitma fault or apologize it felt like an act. A really good act. So good that it would make me doubt myself instead of him. He is the classic narcissist. And there was this ambiguous IRS problem constantly hanging over heads. It never made sense no matter how many times I asked him about the situation. For years I just thought I was too stupid to get it. I realize now that he just made it confusing on purpose - and not just to me. My mother died still believing him, even though I know she had been skeptical about certain things all along. But he could make her seem confused or crazy - nobody respected her input. He was not blatantly abusive. He is just not real. He exemplifies the church in that way to me. The church made me doubt myself in every way. And they are not separate. He identifies everything with the 'gospel'. And everything about it fits him. He can't relate in any other way with me. I think he is too scared to try, because it would make him too vulnerable. He can hide behind his Mormonism. I think it protects him from being discovered, both figuratively and literally.
That is beautiful. I'm so sorry about the pain that came to you in life, especially the pain that was augmented by membership in the LDS church. I know that we can't avoid all of the hurts in this old world, but some of it is so needless and preventable.
Have you sent this to your mother? If so, how did she respond? Or is this a letter that you just need to write for your own benefit? Either way, I think it's beautiful. I'm glad you found your someone. Congratulations on the courage in taking off the garments and being your real self. I hope that happiness comes to you again and again.
--Wedgie
Wedgie,
Thank you! It is something I wrote for me. I am not sure it would be of any benefit to give it to her. I know she did what she thought was right and I do love her for that. It was enough to organize my thoughts, write it and see it. It has truly helped me understand some of the anger I have felt for a long time. I really had not realized how much the church had negatively impacted my life.
The
is a private letter to my two children, ___ and ___ about
information that I think you need to know.
I have tried all my
life to NOT make hasty decisions. I prefer to "go slow"
and try not to make mistakes that I don't need to make.
When I
was age 19, all my (male) friends went on missions, but I wasn't sure
this is what I wanted to do, so I thought and prayed and studied as
best I could and finally decided to go on a mission 1 1/2 years
later. Similarly, my decision to study Social Work was taken
seriously and only after a lot of soul-searching.
Other
decisions I have made about where to work, who to work for, what
house to buy, etc. came only after I tried to think through all the
possibilities and then tried to do what was right.
About 6
years ago, I felt that I needed to step back from my activity in
church and reassess my motivations and beliefs. I told Mom that
I needed to step back from this but promised that I would continue to
support her in any way I could in her activity. This was a
VERY difficult decision for me to come to and I spent a lot of
tearful time trying to understand what was happening. This was soon
after the 9/11 attack and the hatred that blew up between devout
people of many religions. The idea that anyone would follow
their church leaders so blindlessly as to hijack airliners at their
command and kill innocent people with the promise that they would go
to heaven was very difficult for me to put my mind around. But
then the words of Joseph Smith also came to mind, ""Let us
here observe, that a religion that does not require the sacrifice of
all things, never has power sufficient to produce the faith necessary
unto life and salvation."
I
read a book about Jones' Town and how this “prophet” also
required obedience, loyalty and sacrifice prior to their mass
suicide.
President
Hinckley said at about this time in 2003: “The Church
will not dictate to any man, but it will counsel, it will persuade,
it will urge, and it will expect loyalty from those who profess
membership therein.”
As
I meditated upon the events of the day and where my own beliefs now
were situated on many of the issues of the day, I wondered if I
could continue to give that loyalty to the LDS Church. I have
disagreed many times in my life with some of the stated positions of
church leaders and have sought to conform my thoughts to the church
wherever I could. I even wrote once to President David O. McKay
about one of these issues early in my life and his response was
greatly appreciated and warm. But over the years, I have had had
disagreements that I generally accepted as something that I would
have to “accept” as an issue that I will learn about as I grow
older – when I can understand more completely.
Once,
in Alaska just prior to ___'s marriage, my conscience bothered me
about public bigotry that I heard against gay people when the Church
wanted all members in Alaska to donate money to stop gays from
constitutional rights that the Alaska Constitution guaranteed. I
told the Bishop and the stake president that I disagreed with this
church position. The stake president withdrew my temple recommend
till I conformed to his own political position. Unless I voted
“correctly”, he would not allow me to attend ___'s wedding in
Manti. The church then took $500,000 of tithing money to help amend
the Alaska Constitution against gay marriage rights, since the
members did not donate directly enough to the effort.
Other
issues have come and gone where I generally took a more liberal
interpretation of what was needed but stifled my opinion when faced
with the threat of accusing me of being dis-loyal to the church
leaders. I was well aware of what the church did to those they
picked out as being trouble-makers. The Church took action back in
September and October 1993 against six prominent intellectual
authors, commonly referred to subsequently as the "September
Six": D.Michael Quinn (historian and former BYU professor),
Avraham Gileadi (author of works on Isaiah), Paul Toscano (Salt Lake
attorney and author), Lavina Fielding Anderson (editor and writer of
the Church-published "Ensign" during most of the 1970s),
Maxine Hanks (feminist author), and Lynne Kanavel Whitesides
(president of the Mormon Women's Forum). All were excommunicated
except Whitesides, who was disfellowshipped. More recent
excommunicants over intellectual issues include David Wright (1994,
for articles questioning the historicity of the Book of Mormon,
Michael Barrett (1994, for writing letters to correct news stories
about Mormonism), Brent Metcalfe (1994, for the anthology "New
Approaches to the Book of Mormon"), Janice Allred (1997, for
submitting theological papers to a Sunstone symposium), Margaret
Toscano (2000, for writing on feminist issues), Shane LeGrande Whelan
(2002, for his book, "More Than One: Plural Marriage, A Sacred
Heritage, A Promise For Tomorrow"). Most recently, Grant
Palmer, a former head of LDS seminaries was disfellowshipped for his
opinions.
I
was just “me”. I was never in a position where I wanted to cause
trouble for the church. But I disagreed. Often.
I
grew up in a time when the leaders of the US lied to us about the
causes and needs of the Vietnam War. I had a nagging voice in my
mind that said, “Question Authority.” After teaching Gospel
Doctrine in Fairbanks for about 7 years, I was released after a
visiting stake counselor complained that I had used uncorrelated
materials in the Sunday discussion.
I
tried to take the attitude that “I am just an ignorant person and
don't know as much about the church as I thought I did.” In time,
I reasoned, I will come to cow-tow to the Church party line as I
learn more, pray and study.
No
single person (in authority or otherwise in the church) offended me
to the extent that I felt unhappy about the Church overall. In fact,
I have always felt that the best people in the world that I have had
the privilege to know are “Mormons”. This was true in Europe as
it was in the US. I felt honored to work as a counselor to Bishop
Waibel in Munich.
But,
getting back to my decision to stop activity in the Church for a
while, I found that – for whatever reason – I didn't get any
excitement out of my activity in the church. It neither inspired me
nor made me feel that the effort I had made all my life was “worth
it.” The temple ceremonies leave me cold. The concept of Baptism
for the Dead seems less important to me than treating everyone who is
alive with love and concern and tenderness – while acknowledging
the dead for their contributions.
I
am a person who tries to think as objectively (scientifically) as
possible. When I applied this to the church, I found “dis-connects”
continually that bothered me. This was first evident when I went
through the temple in SLC just before my mission. I attended a
special discussion group inside the temple with other new
missionaries. President Joseph Fielding Smith presided in this
group and we were invited to ask any questions that we wanted answers
to. I raised my hand and asked something like, “Did Noah's Ark
really happen like the Bible says it did – with all the world's
animals aboard a small boat while the earth flooded?” His response
was adamant – the Bible was completely true in this account and if
I didn't believe it, I had no business going on a mission! I took
his advice and figured that some day they will find out that the
earth is 6,000 years old, etc. etc. -- and continued on my mission.
While
I am no geologist or archaeologist, I am now 99% sure that the
Biblical accounts (there are several) of creation are not as accurate
as are the scientific explanations. The sun did not stand still in
the sky for the prophet. I am equally skeptical of virgin birth and
other miracles.
On
January 2, 2009, I told Mom that I had decided to have my name
removed from the records of the Church. I have found freedom, and
satisfaction by removing myself from activity in the church (and have
generally used Sunday mornings to read and exercise and am also
healthier as a result). I do not want to vocally express my own
thoughts and ideas while continuing to be a member as this would be
dis-loyal and I would be seen as a trouble-maker within the church.
Three
weeks ago, the Bishop visited me at home and asked me to reconsider
my membership action. He stated that he has no plans or intention of
having any kind of disciplinary action against me (as though
mis-behavior is the only real reason why someone would want to have
his name taken off the church rolls). He asked directly if I was
fully aware of the “eternal consequences” of such an action (i.e.
“going to hell”). While Mom listened sadly nearby I said that I
knew what I was doing and thanked him for coming.
I'm
telling you this because I love both of you and your spouses and your
children. I have no intention of hurting your feelings or
challenging your beliefs – many of which I tried myself to instill
in you as children. But C_____ is about to be ordained a deacon this
coming Sunday and I want you to know why I cannot participate
directly in this ordination. I am proud of C_____ and K____ and
rejoice in their activity and happiness in church. I want to be
there when the ordination happens and I will be happy at the event if
Kyle allows and invites me to be there. I wish that I could be
around all your children more as they grow up and you face challenges
together. (And while I am spilling my soul to you guys, I have
talked many times with Mom over the past year that I wished that we
could have been more involved in K___'s family's life since moving
back to Idaho. We are going to seriously look into selling our house
in the coming year to possibly move to Alaska to be closer to Amy's
family)
I
know that this is as difficult for Mom as it is for me (maybe more
so). While she understands and has lived through all the things I
have gone through, she does not see it as analytically as I do. She
sees primarily the idea that I am stubborn, and much too
self-centered and full of false pride. She has difficulty in
reconciling the concept of Eternal Marriage when I have taken my name
off the church records. She sees it, in short, as a challenge to her
marriage. I would ask for your support particularly for her in the
coming years.
I would ask one additional thing of you.....
Please
regard this information as private and personal to the people I love
the most. You may share this with your spouses (and children when they
can understand). But please do not share this information with other
relatives and friends without my prior permission.
Skeptical Thayne, thanks for sharing this. How did your kids react? Your letter is so gentle and non-threatening that I would assume they mostly felt compassionate acceptance.
One thing that amazes me is the variety of paths that lead people out of the church. The favorite LDS line of "sin, laziness, and offense" do not account for even half of the incidents of disillusionment. In fact, that favored three explanation seems mostly effective as dismissing those who leave or doubt.
Congratulations on sending this. I know that when I sent my letter to my kids, it got back to my wife and became a catalyst to our eventual divorce. I don't know that I was wrong to send my letter, but I know that the impact was far more negative than I ever anticipated.
Skeptical Thayne, thanks for sharing this. How did your kids react? Your letter is so gentle and non-threatening that I would assume they mostly felt compassionate acceptance.
One thing that amazes me is the variety of paths that lead people out of the church. The favorite LDS line of "sin, laziness, and offense" do not account for even half of the incidents of disillusionment. In fact, that favored three explanation seems mostly effective as dismissing those who leave or doubt.
Congratulations on sending this. I know that when I sent my letter to my kids, it got back to my wife and became a catalyst to our eventual divorce. I don't know that I was wrong to send my letter, but I know that the impact was far more negative than I ever anticipated.
I wonder how much influence the local LDS leader(s) had on your family situation?
After learning and being taught for years upon years that instantly divorcing yourself from all Mormon friends looking at huge LDS concerns on reliable Internet websites, even if they happen to be close family members is of primary and paramount importance.
Skeptical Thayne, thanks for sharing this. How did your kids react? Your letter is so gentle and non-threatening that I would assume they mostly felt compassionate acceptance.
Although my two children are both very active in Mormonism, both went on missions, both teach their children TBM philosophies, etc., they responded differently.
K___ , my son, has had a difficult time accepting it and is generally critical of me in much of what I do. He is coming around little-by-little, however.
A___, my daughter, is much more accepting and loving.
If the time ever comes that I lose my mind (dementia or alzheimers or similar, I will do all I can to be sure that I stay with A___, so I can be assured that even in my absence of memories, I don't have to sit through any more priesthood meetings.
Hi, Kolob:
Thanks for the kind words. It was kind of a venting post. I will never send it. I may address these issues with my dad at some point, but I really don't think it would change anything. I came to the realization that I have felt that I needed something more from our relationship, but I never could put my finger on it. Over time I began to realize that when something is not adding up, something is being hid. It's hard to explain. The best I could describe is that it rarely felt genuine. I don't fault my dad for being imperfect. Quite the opposite actually. He WAS perfect. Or at least was really good at presenting himself as such. If he did admitma fault or apologize it felt like an act. A really good act. So good that it would make me doubt myself instead of him. He is the classic narcissist. And there was this ambiguous IRS problem constantly hanging over heads. It never made sense no matter how many times I asked him about the situation. For years I just thought I was too stupid to get it. I realize now that he just made it confusing on purpose - and not just to me. My mother died still believing him, even though I know she had been skeptical about certain things all along. But he could make her seem confused or crazy - nobody respected her input. He was not blatantly abusive. He is just not real. He exemplifies the church in that way to me. The church made me doubt myself in every way. And they are not separate. He identifies everything with the 'gospel'. And everything about it fits him. He can't relate in any other way with me. I think he is too scared to try, because it would make him too vulnerable. He can hide behind his Mormonism. I think it protects him from being discovered, both figuratively and literally.
I lived with a man for 22 years that was this way. I understand where you are coming from I divorced him after I found the courage to say stand up and say the truth, and my girls are better for it. But they still have this feeling that I am stupid or not as smart, like it is programed into them. Because that is how I was treated and so were they. It is hard to come to grips with the fact that someone you love is manipulating you and maybe this fact shows that they care about themselves more than you. Just my thoughts, but i do know how hard it is to be in a relationship with this kind of person.
I wonder how much influence the local LDS leader(s) had on your family situation?
[snip]
Joseph's Myth, I have wondered, too. In the case of my wife, however, I suspect that the LDS church was a tool she used against me. Only the stake president seems biased against me. The bishop and other folks in my ward have been mostly supportive and kind.
I felt that a statement was more appropriate then a letter that would
be mostly ignored and used against me in anyway possible (towards my
little sister who is tired of hearing all the fights). My family practiced ostracizing my entire life because I felt that being denied education food and proper clothing was bad - they thought it was good and holy because it freed up their money to prepare for the second coming of Jesus. Somehow I couldn't just go with it and all the abuse.
So I posted this on facebook:
To my Mormon friends, after years of deep thought and study I am no
longer a member of the church, sent the letter in to have my name
removed from the records even. If this offends you, as it has many
please feel free to un-friend me. I don't mind.
I will be sending this letter off to the vast majority of my immediate and extended family this weekend. In conjunction, my younger brother will also be sending his letter as well. We plan on sending this out via email with the letters attached, to all family members who are at least 18 years old. My brother and I both recently resigned formally in February of this year. Of course, it was I who brought him over to the "dark side" and will most certainly be held accountable for that! Anyway, we actually enjoy playing the roles of "black sheep" and will have no trouble shouldering any pressure that results from this next step. I figure that if we're in for an ounce, we may as well go in for a pound!
My letter is a bit long-winded so here is the link if you care to peruse it. I don't expect to sway too many opinions right away but eventually may see some other family members join the cause. It took me 3 years to get my brother to just read the material in the first place. After he did, he resigned from the church in less than 3 weeks!
As always, if you have any feedback or constructive criticism, it is always welcomed.
I will be sending this letter off to the vast majority of my immediate and extended family this weekend. In conjunction, my younger brother will also be sending his letter as well. We plan on sending this out via email with the letters attached, to all family members who are at least 18 years old. My brother and I both recently resigned formally in February of this year. Of course, it was I who brought him over to the "dark side" and will most certainly be held accountable for that! Anyway, we actually enjoy playing the roles of "black sheep" and will have no trouble shouldering any pressure that results from this next step. I figure that if we're in for an ounce, we may as well go in for a pound!
My letter is a bit long-winded so here is the link if you care to peruse it. I don't expect to sway too many opinions right away but eventually may see some other family members join the cause. It took me 3 years to get my brother to just read the material in the first place. After he did, he resigned from the church in less than 3 weeks!
As always, if you have any feedback or constructive criticism, it is always welcomed.
Inretrospect. It's a great letter and respectful. I don't think it's long winded either. These are not light things and they take space to sort out complex thoughts. Good job.
I will be sending this letter off to the vast majority of my immediate and extended family this weekend. In conjunction, my younger brother will also be sending his letter as well. We plan on sending this out via email with the letters attached, to all family members who are at least 18 years old. My brother and I both recently resigned formally in February of this year. Of course, it was I who brought him over to the "dark side" and will most certainly be held accountable for that! Anyway, we actually enjoy playing the roles of "black sheep" and will have no trouble shouldering any pressure that results from this next step. I figure that if we're in for an ounce, we may as well go in for a pound!
My letter is a bit long-winded so here is the link if you care to peruse it. I don't expect to sway too many opinions right away but eventually may see some other family members join the cause. It took me 3 years to get my brother to just read the material in the first place. After he did, he resigned from the church in less than 3 weeks!
As always, if you have any feedback or constructive criticism, it is always welcomed.
Inretrospect. It's a great letter and respectful. I don't think it's long winded either. These are not light things and they take space to sort out complex thoughts. Good job.
Hiker; Thanks for your kind words and feedback. It will be going out to the family tomorrow so there will be no turning back after that. I don't expect the reception to be exactly "warm and fuzzy" but my goal is to clarify my position and make it known where I stand.
I will be sending this letter off to the vast majority of my immediate and extended family this weekend. In conjunction, my younger brother will also be sending his letter as well. We plan on sending this out via email with the letters attached, to all family members who are at least 18 years old. My brother and I both recently resigned formally in February of this year. Of course, it was I who brought him over to the "dark side" and will most certainly be held accountable for that! Anyway, we actually enjoy playing the roles of "black sheep" and will have no trouble shouldering any pressure that results from this next step. I figure that if we're in for an ounce, we may as well go in for a pound!
My letter is a bit long-winded so here is the link if you care to peruse it. I don't expect to sway too many opinions right away but eventually may see some other family members join the cause. It took me 3 years to get my brother to just read the material in the first place. After he did, he resigned from the church in less than 3 weeks!
As always, if you have any feedback or constructive criticism, it is always welcomed.
Inretrospect. It's a great letter and respectful. I don't think it's long winded either. These are not light things and they take space to sort out complex thoughts. Good job.
