One of the elders in my mission told this story... before his mission he had a girlfriend. One day while he and she were doing the nasty she started to convulse. According to him she was possessed with an evil spirit. He stopped porking her, stood up, put his arm to the square and used his priesthood to cast out the evil spirit.
Was told the tale that in the Temple, the clock behind the Celestial Room door (as you leave) was where Jesus appeared to Lorenzo Snow....(guess he liked antiques....)
I was taught that the scriptures said if you saw a rainbow, it was God saying the earth would be here for at least another year. That always gave me hope and peace of mind. Then one day a few years ago, I was riding with a dear friend (a devout Baptist) and when I commented on the rainbow and how we had at least one more year for the earth to exist, she challenged me. I called my mother and she confirmed that it was true and she would find it for me in the scriptures. She couldn't - so she went to the seminary teacher who said she'd find it - she couldn't. The seminary teacher said she'd go to the RS president and the priesthood (if needed) to find it, and to this day - no one can verify this junk we were taught as kids, then young adults, then mature members. <snipped>
According to the Bible, after the Great Flood, the rainbow was given by God as a sign that he had made a covenant with the earth and all life on the earth that He would never cause another Great Flood to come upon the earth.
The scripture is found in Genesis 9:12 - 16. The word "bow" is generally thought by Bible scholars to refer to "rainbow."
It's a bit shocking that none of your Church leaders (according to your post) were able to "find" this scripture nor apparently your Baptist friend either, nor were they able to attach the correct story to the "rainbow." (they thought it meant that we had at least one more year for the earth to exist?)
Was any one else taught the "no more flood" explanation or was I one of the few. I grew up in a Presbyterian home, though not very active...
I remeber hearing this many times.
My grandpa used to tell us that if we pointed at a rainbow with our finger, the rainbow would fade away, so if we wanted to point at it, we had to do so with our elbow. When the rainbow inevitably faded, it was obviously because someone else had pointed at it with their finger.
Sorry, that had nothing to do with the church, or any kind of doctrine, but it is a great "rainbow" memory. I still point at rainbows with my elbow.
Satan put dinosaur bones on the earth to trick people.
The story about the pioneer family crossing the plains. The husband's wife died and they had an infant child. He obviously could not feed the child. After praying and fasting for a few days, he began lactating and was able to breastfeed the child.
The story about the pioneer family crossing the plains. The husband's wife died and they had an infant child. He obviously could not feed the child. After praying and fasting for a few days, he began lactating and was able to breastfeed the child.
OMG, I can't stop laughing. Best.......one..........yet!
One of the elders in my mission told this story... before his mission he had a girlfriend. One day while he and she were doing the nasty she started to convulse. According to him she was possessed with an evil spirit. He stopped porking her, stood up, put his arm to the square and used his priesthood to cast out the evil spirit.
Oh my, I laughed so hard at that. In the real world, we call that a FULL-BODY ORGASM.
Satan put dinosaur bones on the earth to trick people.
The story about the pioneer family crossing the plains. The husband's wife died and they had an infant child. He obviously could not feed the child. After praying and fasting for a few days, he began lactating and was able to breastfeed the child.
HMMMM I always thought it was about drug addiction.
This is the whole point of why this is so pointless! Damn church steals your very ability to even enjoy a song or interpret it as you wish. Think of "Another Brick in the Wall" ("We don't need no education") by Pink Floyd. Some dipspit GA could hear that song and think it's "anti-education." It's actually about teachers who abuse students! (As in, if education is about getting abused emotionally or physically by teachers, well, then "we don't need no education.")
What if we let the church do this with other forms of art -- great books, for example. "Oh, you can't read 'Grapes of Wrath' cuz it's got some naughty words" and so on. Total BS.
Just another way to suck the joy out of life...
Ummm. I don't remember why, but I was not allowed to read the Grapes of Wrath.
Let's see, I heard about the evil spirits and hand shaking:
Good spirits would NOT, and evil spirits WOULD.
Ummm.. Oh, yeah, a couple of RMs tried out a ouija board and were immediately damned for all eternity, no hope of salvation, ever...the millisecond their hands touched it.
(BTW, that scared me for a LOOOOOOOONG time. I did not buy into a lot of the crap, but I was sooooooo afraid of the "sinister" boards that there were a few slumber parties that were ruined for me...I did not DARE touch the board, even when I was "kindly" offered a Bible to hold if I was scared. )
Oh, spirits in the temple.
Aliens = Angels
Gag. Choke.
Sorry. Memories.
OK, what else?
Oh, yeah, water was evil. It was so bad in my house that I wasn't allowed to learn how to swim. ...
Rock music was Satan's. I do remember the KISS thing...Knights of Satan, or something like that. ...
Def Leppard was what caused my mom to ask the bishop to get elders to come bless my brother's room...
Let's see...
Gag. Choke.
oops...Sorry, I just don't seem to have constitution for this.
Better.
Kay...
caffeine = bad
liquor = evil spirits
I have to stop...the whole thing just makes my IQ drop as I try to think about it.
The Holy Ghost goes to bed at 12...and my father was VERY strict with my curfew.
The lady that was in a tough financial situation. She had to decide to pay her tithing or buy groceries. She decided to pay her tithing and went to the store with only a $10 bill in her wallet. When she went to pay and looked in her wallet the $10 bill was now a $100 bill!!
I was told that doing the Bloody Mary Chant would summon a demon of Satan who would try to possess your body, which would either kill you or cause you to become posessed and you'd need a priesthood holder to save you.
I was taught that the scriptures said if you saw a rainbow, it was God saying the earth would be here for at least another year. That always gave me hope and peace of mind. Then one day a few years ago, I was riding with a dear friend (a devout Baptist) and when I commented on the rainbow and how we had at least one more year for the earth to exist, she challenged me. I called my mother and she confirmed that it was true and she would find it for me in the scriptures. She couldn't - so she went to the seminary teacher who said she'd find it - she couldn't. The seminary teacher said she'd go to the RS president and the priesthood (if needed) to find it, and to this day - no one can verify this junk we were taught as kids, then young adults, then mature members.
It really amazes me how much crap we were taught - but were never allowed to question - and when we did, we learned the truth, and got the hell out of dodge.
That is from a JS quote. It happens to be in the current RS/priesthood manual (I was still TBM when this lesson was given some months ago):
“I have asked of the Lord concerning His coming; and while asking the Lord, He gave a sign and said, ‘In the days of Noah I set a bow in the heavens as a sign and token that in any year that the bow should be seen the Lord would not come; but there should be seed time and harvest during that year: but whenever you see the bow withdrawn, it shall be a token that there shall be famine, pestilence, and great distress among the nations, and that the coming of the Messiah is not far distant.’ ”
Leave it to the mormons to attibute everything to God, and ultimately their divinity.
"I know the church is true because my great great grandfather breastfed my great grandfather." WTF
Yes I remember someone discussing the finer points of male lactation.
Honestly the whole experience still brings a shudder from the base of my spine because something...it must have been the still small voice...made me realize that the poor kid was sucking on a HAIRY NIPPLE!!!
I still can't think about it without getting a little queasy.
It is impossible to have an evil thought while in the temple
Oral sex is an abomination
Anal sex is a sure-fire ticket to Hell
One day Spencer W Kimball visited the MTC to speak to the missionaries. He was late so everyone was already sitting down, waiting for him to arrive. The moment he walked in the outer MTC doors (the ones out at the street, mind you, not the ones to the room where everyone was sitting) everyone simultaneously STOOD UP.
One day at the temple, the endowment session was about to begin. At that moment, the temple president hobbled into the room and stood at the front of the patrons. He held his cane up and while pointing it at the temple-goers said, "ONE OF YOU IS NOT A MEMBER!". After threatening to beat the imposter with his cane, a guy suddenly jumped up and ran out.
One afternoon two elders were doing their laundry at the laundromat. While their clothes were in the machine they decided to do some more tracting. When they returned they found that the owner of the laundromat had hung their garments in the window for everyone to see. In retaliation, the elders dusted off their feet and that very night the laundromat burned to the ground.
Led Zeppelin's "Stairway to Heaven" was satanic
One of the elders in my mission told this story... before his mission he had a girlfriend. One day while he and she were doing the nasty she started to convulse. According to him she was possessed with an evil spirit. He stopped porking her, stood up, put his arm to the square and used his priesthood to cast out the evil spirit.
I'm sure there are more but that's all my brain cell can remember at the moment.
How do these fundies come up with this BS I mean you got to have a pretty wild imagination "knights in satan's service" that just hurts myhead!
If stair way to heaven is satanic what is "highway to hell"
You have to be able to bend your mind pretty far to make this crap work for you.
I had alwaysed heard that mormons and jews where very close. And that the Jews really respected the mormons? My father is Jewish and I have meet many hundreds of people from the jewish faith and they all almost universally dislike the mormons....baptising holocaust victims.
How do these fundies come up with this BS I mean you got to have a pretty wild imagination "knights in satan's service" that just hurts myhead!
If stair way to heaven is satanic what is "highway to hell"
You have to be able to bend your mind pretty far to make this crap work for you.
It's even better than you think. You have to play the song backwards to hear the evil satanic message. It's after the line, "Yes there are two paths you can go by, but in the long run there's still time to change the road you're on." Stop the record and play it backwards and you hear, "Here's to my Sweet Satan."
The Stairway to Heaven furor started in the 80s. It was part of an evangelical Christian anti-rock and roll crusade that was happening at the time. The Mormons picked up on it apparently, because I knew a guy from my mission who said they had firesides promoting these idiotic fables there too.
I heard that God came to earth and actually had sex with Mary, him an immortal and she a mortal, and that is how Jesus was conceived. But she was still a virgin b/c it didn't count to have sex with an immortal.
Sounds an awfully lot like the Twilight series to me. Maybe Stephanie Myer heard this rumor also.
Leave it to the mormons to attibute everything to God, and ultimately their divinity.
"I know the church is true because my great great grandfather breastfed my great grandfather." WTF
Yes I remember someone discussing the finer points of male lactation.
Honestly the whole experience still brings a shudder from the base of my spine because something...it must have been the still small voice...made me realize that the poor kid was sucking on a HAIRY NIPPLE!!!
I still can't think about it without getting a little queasy.
This proves once again, that we can look to Family Guy for an example on any topic...
1) One night after all the patrons had left the Provo Temple the Temple President was the only one left there. He made sure he shut off all the lights and went home. Well.........when he got home he looked at the temple and could see all the lights were one. He was a bit mystified but thought maybe there was some maintainence going on. The next morning when he got to the temple he got a call from the Prophet telling him that Christ had visited his temple last night and was well pleased. ummmmm.......sure.
2) I forget what the concept is called but at one time all the continents were one continent, which is makes sense. They fit....but there is a missing piece in the gulf of Mexico where the city of Enoch used to be before it was taken up into heaven.
I forget what the concept is called but at one time all the continents were one continent, which is makes sense. They fit....but there is a missing piece in the gulf of Mexico where the city of Enoch used to be before it was taken up into heaven.
Days of Peleg (See Genesis.) Gondwalaland....
But of course, they don't take into account Atlantis and Mu....
The story about the pioneer family crossing the plains. The husband's wife died and they had an infant child. He obviously could not feed the child. After praying and fasting for a few days, he began lactating and was able to breastfeed the child.
OMG, I can't stop laughing. Best.......one..........yet!
BYU Old Testament class. Me and a roomie were taking it together during summer term. The teacher explained that Earth used to be in orbit by Kolob. When the "Fall" occured, it began it's journey to our present solar system. As it neared, we passed through Saturn's rings (ice water according to him) causing the flood. He never said where the water went afterward. He further explained that the "stars falling from the heavens" will occur as Earth is retransported back to orbit Kolob during the millenium. This also explained to him, why there were such huge age differentials between us and our preflood forefathers.
My roomie and I dropped the class. I kinda wished I had stayed to hear what other gems he had.
Once again, it proves the apologist theorem. It doesn't matter WHAT you believe, as long as you BELIEVE.
That I should allow my rapist to kill me or commit suicide after being raped because I was better off dead than to not be a virgin on my wedding night.
That God won't allow bad things to happen to good people, so if anything goes wrong in your life it's your fault.
That, in spite of what it says in the 2nd article of faith, your "bad actions" will curse your family and keep them out of the CK.
You chose your family/calling/life story in the preexistence, so children who were abused, neglected or molested asked for the suffering they had in this life.
The stories about "blessings" given to sick folks by priesthood holders, and they miraculously rise and walk out of the hospital.
(Never mind the placebo effect....which helps many patients achieve cures.)
From Jo Smith's Speech at the Nauvoo on March 10, 1844.
There are mentions in many sources, including: Wilford Woodruff journal, James Burgess notebook, the John S. Fullmer papers, and Joseph Smith's personal diary.
Woodruff Journal:
I have asked of the Lord concerning his coming & while asking, the Lord gave me a sign & said in the days of Noah I set a bow in the heavens as a sign & token that in any year that the bow should be seen the Lord would not come, but their should be seed time--harvest during that year, but when ever you see the bow withdraw, it shall be a token that their shall be famin pestilance & great distress among the nations.
Burgess Notebook
Revelation given through Joseph Smith in answer to a certain question Son of Man if you live until you are 85 years of age you shall see the face of the Son of Man and so long as you see the rainbow strethching across the heavens there will be seed time and harvest and the son of Man will not come that year.
Fullmer Papers
While enquiring of the Lord concerning the End of time, it was made known to him by the Holy Spirit, that there should be prosperity, seed time and harvest every year in which the Rainbow was seen, for to that was Noah refered as a surety on this subject,-- But in the year when the Bow was not to be seen, would commence desolation, calamity and distress among the Nations, without seed time or harvest,
Finally, Jo's journal for that day has two entries about what he preached:
I attended meeting. A M at the Stand by the Temple and preached on the Subject of the Spirit of^Elias Elijah. Elias & Mesiah clearly defining the offices of the 3 personages.
AND
The Savior will not come this year. nor 40 yrs to come.
The bow has been seen in the cloud & in that year that the bow is seen seed time and harvest will be. but when the bow ceases to be seen look out for a famine.
BYU Old Testament class. Me and a roomie were taking it together during summer term. The teacher explained that Earth used to be in orbit by Kolob. When the "Fall" occured, it began it's journey to our present solar system. As it neared, we passed through Saturn's rings (ice water according to him) causing the flood. He never said where the water went afterward. He further explained that the "stars falling from the heavens" will occur as Earth is retransported back to orbit Kolob during the millenium. This also explained to him, why there were such huge age differentials between us and our preflood forefathers.
My roomie and I dropped the class. I kinda wished I had stayed to hear what other gems he had.
Once again, it proves the apologist theorem. It doesn't matter WHAT you believe, as long as you BELIEVE.
..........and people think Scientology is strange? HELLO!
From Jo Smith's Speech at the Nauvoo on March 10, 1844.
There are mentions in many sources, including: Wilford Woodruff journal, James Burgess notebook, the John S. Fullmer papers, and Joseph Smith's personal diary.
Woodruff Journal:
I have asked of the Lord concerning his coming & while asking, the Lord gave me a sign & said in the days of Noah I set a bow in the heavens as a sign & token that in any year that the bow should be seen the Lord would not come, but their should be seed time--harvest during that year, but when ever you see the bow withdraw, it shall be a token that their shall be famin pestilance & great distress among the nations.
Burgess Notebook
Revelation given through Joseph Smith in answer to a certain question Son of Man if you live until you are 85 years of age you shall see the face of the Son of Man and so long as you see the rainbow strethching across the heavens there will be seed time and harvest and the son of Man will not come that year.
Fullmer Papers
While enquiring of the Lord concerning the End of time, it was made known to him by the Holy Spirit, that there should be prosperity, seed time and harvest every year in which the Rainbow was seen, for to that was Noah refered as a surety on this subject,-- But in the year when the Bow was not to be seen, would commence desolation, calamity and distress among the Nations, without seed time or harvest,
Finally, Jo's journal for that day has two entries about what he preached:
I attended meeting. A M at the Stand by the Temple and preached on the Subject of the Spirit of^Elias Elijah. Elias & Mesiah clearly defining the offices of the 3 personages.
AND
The Savior will not come this year. nor 40 yrs to come.
The bow has been seen in the cloud & in that year that the bow is seen seed time and harvest will be. but when the bow ceases to be seen look out for a famine.
Oh man, I finally got it. It's another one of those stupid, stupid "prophecies". If there's no rainbow that means no rain - which of course follows just naturally with drought, no crops, hunger, "desolation and distress". Duh. Do I really need a rainbow SIGN to tell me that there's no rain?
I'm sorry, but this is like picking a chocolate from a box by a remarkably good candy maker. So many yummy choices! I'm going to run an errand, think about it, and get back to you.
BYU Old Testament class. Me and a roomie were taking it together during summer term. The teacher explained that Earth used to be in orbit by Kolob. When the "Fall" occured, it began it's journey to our present solar system. As it neared, we passed through Saturn's rings (ice water according to him) causing the flood. He never said where the water went afterward. He further explained that the "stars falling from the heavens" will occur as Earth is retransported back to orbit Kolob during the millenium. This also explained to him, why there were such huge age differentials between us and our preflood forefathers.
My roomie and I dropped the class. I kinda wished I had stayed to hear what other gems he had.
Once again, it proves the apologist theorem. It doesn't matter WHAT you believe, as long as you BELIEVE.
Some things are so incredibly dumb that you can't believe ANYONE would actually say it in public.
If the earth passed close enough to Saturn to encounter it's rings, it would likely have been pulled to shreds by the gravitational pull of Saturn, which is MASSIVE compared to the earth.
Dumbest.
One.
Yet.
Particularly because it violates physics SO profoundly that NOBODY could possibly take it seriously!
I honestly can't choose. There are so many dumb ones!
One was that somehow your life was a film and everyone in heaven would view this film someday so you didn't want to do anything you wouldn't want everyone who ever existed to see. But that means we will all spend eternity watching each other's lives on film -- which sounds like hideous torture -- NO EDITING! -- and it will take eternity to get through these billions and billions of films.
I don't think the Catholics come with up half as good ideas for punishment in their hell as Mormons come up with for heaven!
Then there was some lame urban legend about how the moon was going to turn blood red just before the Second Coming. Maybe it wasn't an urban legend. Maybe that is in Revelations. Anyway -- once I was at work at a very trendy, au courant company, and I was working late with this woman who was normally quite intelligent. Well, she glanced out at the moon, which was full and a lovely shade of vermilion because of Salt Lake's infamous smog, and she turned quite white. Then she got a grip and said, "I'm sorry. I was being foolish. I thought maybe it was the Second Coming."
The idea of evil spirits creating bodies to make aliens is new to me, as is the idea of rockers sending their spirits into the crowd to watch themselves.
Probably the wierdest one I have deals with intelligences. There is a big ol talk about it. I'll try to bullet point the ideas.
-Everything is made out of two things: intelligence and matter (or material or something.)
-This means everything is made of intelligences: people, animals, rocks, trees, dirt, ETC.
-This is how miracles are performed. God speaks to the intelligences and telles them what to do: turn water to wine, split the red sea, bring back the dead.
-Intelligences only listen as long as they have respect for God, so He has to live by certain rules or he would cease to be God.
-This is supposedly why he can't save everyone. It wouldn't be just and the intelligences would no longer listen to God.
-Christ had to be a sinless sacrifice in order to win the respect of the intelligences.
-While our bodies are made of matter anmd intelligence, our "person/entity" consists of a single intelligences with no body.
-When someone goes to outer darkness, they are stripped of their physical and spiritual body and reduced to their single intelligence.
It's proven that humans don't use most of their brain. The inactive parts of our brain are recording every second of our life so at the judgement we can stand in front of everyone and play it all back and embarrass the hell out of ourselves in the process.
The Lost Tribes are on other planets.
We were so lucky to be born into the church and have all this truth at our disposal while others have to search and search for it.
The band name 311 stood for the KKK (three K's, K is 11th letter of the alphebet). A lot of 311 CD's destroyed by stupid parents. Turns out the band's singer had been arrested for a 311 which was the police code for some silly misdemeaneor.
How many of you RM's heard the one about the missionaries (elders and sisters) going to the church, getting naked, turning the baptismal font into a hot tub, and watching porn in it? I was told of that hapening in my mission (Munich Germany) a few years prior to my time. When I got home I was told virtually the same story by other RM's (supposedly happening in their missions). There was also the rumor every single week in the MTC that pres Hinckley was going to be the devotional speaker. "No, he really is this week! I promise!"
You chose your family/calling/life story in the preexistence, so children who were abused, neglected or molested asked for the suffering they had in this life.
Stupid cult.
hartlyn
In addition to this, I was always told that the mentally handicapped had chosen that option for their life, and would automatically have a free ticket to the CK because of all the persecution and challenges they faced in life.
Also, in addition to KISS, RUSH was Rebels Under Satan's Hand.
Here's one we've all heard but is practically as crazy as everything else I've read here...
Marry as soon as you get off of your mission. Then have as many children as possible as soon as possible and don't delay doing this for something as trivial as your education.
I followed this crazy advice and it has caused no end of heartache
You chose your family/calling/life story in the preexistence, so children who were abused, neglected or molested asked for the suffering they had in this life.
Stupid cult.
hartlyn
In addition to this, I was always told that the mentally handicapped had chosen that option for their life, and would automatically have a free ticket to the CK because of all the persecution and challenges they faced in life.
Also, in addition to KISS, RUSH was Rebels Under Satan's Hand.
It seems that Rush Limbaugh just can't stay out of the news these days...
What is the most bizarre thing you were taught while you were in the church? It can be something taught at church, or some rumor you heard from a parent or friend.
One Sunday School lesson I had started with the teacher saying that while we couldn't be sure of the day or hour of the Second Coming there was nothing that said we couldn't know the YEAR. He then pulled out a poster with various speculations about the year of the Second Coming, supported by various teachings from GA's. If I recall he had narrowed it down to three potential years: 2001, 2011, or 2021. Personally I'm betting on 2011.
)
Oh man, I finally got it. It's another one of those stupid, stupid "prophecies". If there's no rainbow that means no rain - which of course follows just naturally with drought, no crops, hunger, "desolation and distress". Duh. Do I really need a rainbow SIGN to tell me that there's no rain?
