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Just had my ecclesiastical interview
 
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So I just got done with my ecclesiastical interview for BYUI. It went fine, but now I feel a bit sad. I sometimes wish that I still was the person that everybody thinks I am... that I just pretended to be... that I was six months ago. I feel like I don't really belong anywhere anymore; I'm in this weird limbo-land where I look, act, and live like a Mormon, but on the inside I'm really not. I wish it didn't weird me out when my friends post wacky GA quotes on Facebook; I wish I was still one of them. I always thought I'd be a good Mormon, and I was happy that way. The one friend that I opened up to early on about my doubts, keeps sending me stuff about the church-- books to read, websites to visit, faith-promoting stuff. When I first was dealing with the aftermath of losing my faith, I'm afraid I became rather difficult to live with, and I got a bit passive-aggressive toward everything church-related; now I think one of my roommates from last semester seriously dislikes me (and since one of my other friends is going to be living with her, I'll probably continue to see a lot of her). 

 

Sorry this is kind of rambly... just feeling kind of sad and lonely tonight, I guess 

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piano_girl:

So I just got done with my ecclesiastical interview for BYUI. It went fine, but now I feel a bit sad. I sometimes wish that I still was the person that everybody thinks I am... that I just pretended to be... that I was six months ago. I feel like I don't really belong anywhere anymore; I'm in this weird limbo-land where I look, act, and live like a Mormon, but on the inside I'm really not. I wish it didn't weird me out when my friends post wacky GA quotes on Facebook; I wish I was still one of them. I always thought I'd be a good Mormon, and I was happy that way. The one friend that I opened up to early on about my doubts, keeps sending me stuff about the church-- books to read, websites to visit, faith-promoting stuff. When I first was dealing with the aftermath of losing my faith, I'm afraid I became rather difficult to live with, and I got a bit passive-aggressive toward everything church-related; now I think one of my roommates from last semester seriously dislikes me (and since one of my other friends is going to be living with her, I'll probably continue to see a lot of her). 

 

Sorry this is kind of rambly... just feeling kind of sad and lonely tonight, I guess 

 ecclesiastical interview - I can't even pronounce that one

 

Remember nevermo here.

 

Glad to hear it went fine, sorry to hear you are feeling kind of sad and lonely

 

But you have come to the right place.

 

Come sit here by me Piano Girl, have a drink, maybe some snacks

 

and let me give you a . . .

 

{{{ GRANNY HUG FROM CANADA }}}

 

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So sorry that you're feeling sad and lonely tonight, piano girl.  That's got to be difficult feeling like you don't belong anywhere anymore.  Limbo-land doesn't sound like a very fun place.  At least you have us here.  Keep on keeping on. 
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Yeah, no apologies needed.  It must really suck being at BYU for you right now.  This is a great place to come get virtual hugs from your postmo friends.

 

We really need a hug smiley.....   

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ZeeZrom:

Yeah, no apologies needed.  It must really suck being at BYU for you right now.  This is a great place to come get virtual hugs from your postmo friends.

 

We really need a hug smiley.....   

 I second that - I did ask for one but no one is listening to me.

 

In the meantime I sometimes use this (the kissy, kissy version).

 

There is story that goes with that.

 

This might give ya all a chuckle.

 

When I first came to PostMo I actually thought was kissy, kissy and I used it as such and confused the heck out of some posters.   That is until someone set me straight on that.

 

Oh I crack me up.

 

ETA:  Except of course when I use it for Mr. Fitzzzzz and his constant harassment of Oprah.

 

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If there’s someone who makes your blood boil, thank him.
He’s showing you what you need to know to become a kinder person.
He’s doing the best he can and so are you.
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I know, I'm there too.  Even though I'm out, my DH is still in and sometimes it feels like I'll never get out of limbo land.  I can't imagine being tied in deep with University and roommate stuff -any chance of a transfer?

 

At least there are positives to what may be your situation.  I don't know you much but I'm thinking because you are college-age perhaps you are not married?  You won't have to deal with the one spouse in one out and possible collapse of marriage and family that some of us do {thankfully not me, we're going to be just fine after a few crazy weeks at first}.  You also don't have children I suppose as well, that situation gives a lot of heartache to many people here.  

 

In many ways I envy you if you are in your early 20's -less years of indoctrination, and so many less tithing dollars you can't get back!  I remember writing our last tithing check out and kissing $7000 goodbye in an instant.  That is more than I made every year I was in college.

 

I know it is difficult, but something that gets me through it is the excitement of my new life that I am now able to partially live, and hope to be able to live more fully soon {as soon as DH has his head more clearly wrapped around things.  I'm trying to respect where he is at}. 

 

One thing Mormonism did give me is that I can wake up every morning and say to myself, 'thank god I'm not in a cult any more!'  I ponder all of the time about people just living out their normal everyday lives, lives not unlike the one I am now trying to live.  Only, they are doing it without all of the wonderment and inquiry that I do.  They take it so for granted!  I am so grateful for every moment now, every moment that seems so much more real than it used to.  Every moment that I can live the life I want to, dress how I want to, think and say what I want to.  It is such a miracle to me!  For years I've dreamed of things but knew it would challenge my 'beliefs' -so I've held back.  It feels so good to not be in shackles any more.

 

I hope you can relish in some of the freedom that your choices are affording you, I think as you are able to taste more and more of it, your worries about what people think and how to move forward will melt away. 

 
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Hi Piano_girl

 

I am sorry that today was hard for you - sorry that this year has been so hard.  I hope you have a couple of friends that you can hang out with - that don't bring up "church stuff" too much.

 

Have you decided what you are going to do next year?  Are you going back to BYUI, or are you going to make a break for it?  Whatever you do, remember that you have friends here at postmo.  We know it isn't easy to leave the church  - and it isn't easy to be a postmo.  You have to do what is best for YOU!  

 

Good luck!!!

 

Deb

 
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This was a touching post. I don't know if you know Missy Higgins, but she has this fabulous song that goes (in part) "When you're young you have this image of your life, that you'll be scrupulous and one day even make a wife." (Not that you can't make a wife now, but you know what I mean...) Just so, so sad to me--this realization that life ahead is not life imagined. I'm sorry if I'm perpetuating instead of helping. But I get this, piano_girl. You're definitely not alone, for what it's worth.
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TruthR:
ZeeZrom:

Yeah, no apologies needed.  It must really suck being at BYU for you right now.  This is a great place to come get virtual hugs from your postmo friends.

 

We really need a hug smiley.....   

 I second that - I did ask for one but no one is listening to me.

 

In the meantime I sometimes use this (the kissy, kissy version).

 

There is story that goes with that.

 

This might give ya all a chuckle.

 

When I first came to PostMo I actually thought was kissy, kissy and I used it as such and confused the heck out of some posters.   That is until someone set me straight on that.

 

Oh I crack me up.

 

ETA:  Except of course when I use it for Mr. Fitzzzzz and his constant harassment of Oprah.

 

 

Q:  What's the difference between Oprah and a California redwood tree?

 

A:  12 people with arms linked can encircle a redwood tree. 

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I wish I"d been as brave as you are when I was your age.

 

I was out of the church, but out for the wrong reasons.  It was mainly a way to defy my parents.  As our relationship mended, I went back and drug my nevermo husband and step-daughter with me.  Her bio-mom even got baptized with her family, but that's another story.

 

I admire your strength, to act on your convictions. 

 

Best of luck at the Y!

 
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Dear, Sweet, P_G... I echo the sentiments of the others:  Limbo sucks... You know what you know about yourself and only wish you could share that [new-found?] knowledge with those closest to you.

 

This is what I call the Clash Between the Practical and the Sublime [...some might call it "cognitive dissonance."]:  You're in a position in which you HAVE to spout Party Line in order to get what you need.  In this case, you must appear to be a Fyyne Upstandin' Molly so that BYU-I doesn't kick you out before getting your degree.  Keep that in the forefront of your journey right now... once you have that diploma in-hand, you can tell them all to go Eff themselves [although, from what I've read in your posts, you don't strike me as a "Go Eff Yourself!"-type person].  Then, you can continue your journey toward career, family and YOUR dreams on YOUR terms... and NOT on TSCC's!!

 

Meanwhile... you can continue to Fake It 'Til you Make It... logon to PostMo and rant, vent or ramble... we'll be here!!  Take care!

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Sorry for the rough go of it. How long are you going to stay at Ricks?
 
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Hey Piano Girl,

 

I so feel your pain.  I am in that exact same situation right now, except I am graduating this August so I don't have to go through the interview process since I won't be attending next year.  *whew*  Being at a school like that is so tough.  [I'm not going to mention which church school I'm at to protect myself]  I feel sick to my stomach each day I attend class.  I often have the same feelings you do, of almost wishing I was dumb enough to just fake it and make everyone happy.  All of my classmates seem happy, right?  But when I even think about TRYING that, I want to puke.  No one really knows my situation right now except my husband (and you all of course) and I just hate pretending.  I'm excited for the day when I can let everyone know who I really am without the risk of being reported to a school authority.

 

Be strong, and be yourself!  It's really hard to wish you were something you aren't when everyone around you seems to be that way.  Just remember there are probably tons of people at school just like you and I.  Remembering that sometimes gets my through my days of classes.

 

If you ever need to talk, just PM me.  I totally feel you and I cannot wait to graduate.  Ugh.

 
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Gilgal:
Sorry for the rough go of it. How long are you going to stay at Ricks?

Ricks?!?  That's SO 2001.

 

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I would NEVER bring up this particular topic.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Only because of the challenge of spelling that word...

(I graduated from the lawrd's one true university, even that don't help)

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This post has been reviewed for it’s content, and has been found to comply with the general concept of the mission of this website and it’s management.  Approved for submission by member #1087.

 
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jackfitzzzzz:
TruthR:
ZeeZrom:

Yeah, no apologies needed.  It must really suck being at BYU for you right now.  This is a great place to come get virtual hugs from your postmo friends.

 

We really need a hug smiley.....   

 I second that - I did ask for one but no one is listening to me.

 

In the meantime I sometimes use this (the kissy, kissy version).

 

There is story that goes with that.

 

This might give ya all a chuckle.

 

When I first came to PostMo I actually thought was kissy, kissy and I used it as such and confused the heck out of some posters.   That is until someone set me straight on that.

 

Oh I crack me up.

 

ETA:  Except of course when I use it for Mr. Fitzzzzz and his constant harassment of Oprah.

 

 

Q:  What's the difference between Oprah and a California redwood tree?

 

A:  12 people with arms linked can encircle a redwood tree. 

 

 

 
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ClearThoughts:
Gilgal:
Sorry for the rough go of it. How long are you going to stay at Ricks?

Ricks?!?  That's SO 2001.

 

 

It's my small protest against the church violating the wishes of the Ricks family by changing the name. From what I understand they were none too pleased with the name change. (Maybe Jeff can correct me if I'm wrong, being a Ricks himself.)

 
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I attended the 'college formerly known as Ricks' too. Without the mormon influence there, it would have been a great place.
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Gilgal:
ClearThoughts:
Gilgal:
Sorry for the rough go of it. How long are you going to stay at Ricks?

Ricks?!?  That's SO 2001.

 

 

It's my small protest against the church violating the wishes of the Ricks family by changing the name. From what I understand they were none too pleased with the name change. (Maybe Jeff can correct me if I'm wrong, being a Ricks himself.)

March on. 

Ricks is a better name because a) It's not named for after of the most evil, bigoted, sexist man in TSCC and b) It's easier to hide the fact that you were once a member on your resume... no one's heard of Ricks College outside of ID/UT. 

 

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Thanks.

 

I will be staying at BYUI, at least until I can get an associate's degree (that will transfer as a unit, instead of credit-by-credit). I'm actually fairly hopeful for this next semester; I'll be in a new apartment, new ward, with new roommates. I'm planning to try to remake the way people see me, maybe I'll wear pants to church . I guess I'll just throw myself into my studies; I'm taking 18 credits this time. My BoM class will be online, so I won't have to sit in class listening to pure Mormon-ness (undiluted by science or English or whatever). 

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ClearThoughts:
Gilgal:
ClearThoughts:
Gilgal:
Sorry for the rough go of it. How long are you going to stay at Ricks?

Ricks?!?  That's SO 2001.

 

 

It's my small protest against the church violating the wishes of the Ricks family by changing the name. From what I understand they were none too pleased with the name change. (Maybe Jeff can correct me if I'm wrong, being a Ricks himself.)

March on. 

Ricks is a better name because a) It's not named for after of the most evil, bigoted, sexist man in TSCC and b) It's easier to hide the fact that you were once a member on your resume... no one's heard of Ricks College outside of ID/UT. 

 

 

 That's a good point. I didn't know the name change made the Ricks family upset.

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piano_girl:
ClearThoughts:
Gilgal:
ClearThoughts:
Gilgal:
Sorry for the rough go of it. How long are you going to stay at Ricks?

Ricks?!?  That's SO 2001.

 

 

It's my small protest against the church violating the wishes of the Ricks family by changing the name. From what I understand they were none too pleased with the name change. (Maybe Jeff can correct me if I'm wrong, being a Ricks himself.)

March on. 

Ricks is a better name because a) It's not named for after of the most evil, bigoted, sexist man in TSCC and b) It's easier to hide the fact that you were once a member on your resume... no one's heard of Ricks College outside of ID/UT. 

 

 

 That's a good point. I didn't know the name change made the Ricks family upset.

 

My 12 second web search (yeah, I'm lazy) didn't reveal the quotes I remember (misremember?) from the Ricks family.

 

However, I did find this gem. When a BYU-I administrator portrays Mr. Ricks as a time traveler who blesses the name change, you kinda know it's to whitewash something or other:  

 

I even heard that they are going to change the name of the college to BYU-Idaho. That’s something! It doesn’t bother me though. Gosh, I was embarrassed when they named it after me in the first place. Brigham Young! That’s okay. 

 

By the way, chica_piano, I think your associate degree plan is a fine one, assuming you can tolerate another year. Good luck! 

 
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I felt like this much of my BYU school years.  It sucks, but there are things you can do to amuse yourself.  I had a particularly annoying roomate that would badger me about all sorts of stuff.  Being the not so "righteous" person I am.....one day....she wouldn't leave me alone...following me around the apartment everywhere, I couldn't get away from her.  Finally I was sitting at the dining table, she was in front of me, yet again.  I told her to "Go F*ck off."  Not gonna lie, it was extremely cathartic...especially when she ran to her room crying and called her mommy (this roomate also had one of those paper chains, like the one you use to count down days for christmas, taped to her ceiling counting down the days her "BF" came home from his mission"

  The best part was, when her mom came to visit, I was a perfect little mormon girl, all sweet and contrite....and she loved me.....oh man....makes me smile jsut thinking about it.

  There are people out there, even at BYU like you, just everyone's so caught up tryin to put up facades.  Dont get depressed, go out, have fun, make TONS of dates with guys....shoot even guys you wouldn't normally go out with, and trust me, you'll feel a lot better.  Atleast that's what I did. FREE FOOD FTW!

 
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Syraphina:

I felt like this much of my BYU school years.  It sucks, but there are things you can do to amuse yourself.  I had a particularly annoying roomate that would badger me about all sorts of stuff.  Being the not so "righteous" person I am.....one day....she wouldn't leave me alone...following me around the apartment everywhere, I couldn't get away from her.  Finally I was sitting at the dining table, she was in front of me, yet again.  I told her to "Go F*ck off."  Not gonna lie, it was extremely cathartic...especially when she ran to her room crying and called her mommy (this roomate also had one of those paper chains, like the one you use to count down days for christmas, taped to her ceiling counting down the days her "BF" came home from his mission"

  The best part was, when her mom came to visit, I was a perfect little mormon girl, all sweet and contrite....and she loved me.....oh man....makes me smile jsut thinking about it.

  There are people out there, even at BYU like you, just everyone's so caught up tryin to put up facades.  Dont get depressed, go out, have fun, make TONS of dates with guys....shoot even guys you wouldn't normally go out with, and trust me, you'll feel a lot better.  Atleast that's what I did. FREE FOOD FTW!

 

 I will so keep that in mind. I'm normally a very mild-mannered person, but that might be interesting to try, should I get more Molly-Mormon roommates 

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jackfitzzzzz:
TruthR:
ZeeZrom:

Yeah, no apologies needed.  It must really suck being at BYU for you right now.  This is a great place to come get virtual hugs from your postmo friends.

 

We really need a hug smiley.....   

 I second that - I did ask for one but no one is listening to me.

 

In the meantime I sometimes use this (the kissy, kissy version).

 

There is story that goes with that.

 

This might give ya all a chuckle.

 

When I first came to PostMo I actually thought was kissy, kissy and I used it as such and confused the heck out of some posters.   That is until someone set me straight on that.

 

Oh I crack me up.

 

ETA:  Except of course when I use it for Mr. Fitzzzzz and his constant harassment of Oprah.

 

 

Q:  What's the difference between Oprah and a California redwood tree?

 

A:  12 people with arms linked can encircle a redwood tree. 

  Gotcha

 

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He’s showing you what you need to know to become a kinder person.
He’s doing the best he can and so are you.
Byron Katie 2008

 
       
 


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