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How can I not be so angry!
 
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I thought I was doing better.  I posted on here for the first time a few days ago, and after all the responses I received, I was feeling good again!  I haven't felt happy in over two years, I've felt completely numb inside, so when I started feeling like it was okay to have my own beliefs, and okay to disagree with everything I'd been brought up with, it was so liberating!  It's like I realized I'm still in here somewhere.....

 

And then we went to my husband's parents house for Sunday dinner like we do every week.  It was like a bomb fell and crushed everything.  My husband's family knows that we are turning away from the Church, but they don't realize that we have already made up our minds and have left the Church, and are happy where we are.  So....

 

Earlier this week my husband's grandmother got online and IMed me for the first time EVER, to bear her testimony to me for a half hour.  Then she showed up at dinner and decided to pull me aside and talk about how I'm doing at church, how are they keeping me busy, and how am I serving at church?  I just told her I wasn't doing anything right now.  She kept pushing and I kept giving her the same answer.  

 

Then there was my husband's mom.   She's been trying to get us to talk to some guy in her ward who thinks he knows a lot about Church history, (he taught at the institute at HARVARD, after all).  She thinks he'll be able to give us answers that will make everything better.  She just doesn't have a clue, we have done so much research, and have tried telling her that our faith in not going to be regained by debating Church history.  We are beyond that now.  Besides, I HATE those kinds of situations.  I'm good at arguing, but I feel like I need my notes, my books, and my arguments prepared ahead of time so some stupid wanna-be apologist doesn't find me stumped for a couple seconds, and think he's just proven the church is true with one little comment.  To me it's the same as Bible-bashing, and in Mormon terms, I think it would "turn away the Spirit".  Anyway, so we politely told her we weren't interested in talking to this guy.  Well, just as we were leaving on Sunday, she told my husband that she didn't cancel the appointment with this guy because SHE thought it would help, so they would be coming over in a couple nights to talk with us.  

 

I was so mad!  My husband's family is so frustrating, they never talk about issues, they smile all the time, and are "nice" to everyone's faces, and because they never talk about how they really feel about something, you have to be very gentle when you do say something, or you'll really hurt somebody.  So, what the CRAP!  Where did that come from!, !  I realize she thinks she's doing a good thing, but I thought it was SO disrespectful, and I just haven't been able to let it go.  I have to deal with them multiple times throughout the week, I should at least be able to feel safe at home, but now I don't even have that.

 

Then I called my parents for their weekly phone call, and my mom kept trying to throw in  comments to try and get a response out of my about where I'm at with church.  Like "oh!  You met some non-members, you should bring the Church into their lives!, oh, you're over doing it, you need to have the RS come over and help you with those kids so you don't go into labor!  Why don't you do it?"....um, yeah, mom.  I didn't know what to say.  I don't feel ready to tell them all "hey, I'm not Mormon anymore!" but stuff like this just wears me down.

 

I fell apart last night, all the doubts and guilt came back.   It's like when I opened myself up to feeling the good again, and to feeling confident in my own beliefs, I also opened up the door to feeling like a bug around my family, just ready to be stomped on.

 

I can't just stop talking to them and seeing them.  I love them, besides my husband, they are all I have.  I'm just so sick of the roller coaster.  It just feels like I'm never going to be safe from hitting rock bottom.  I can't take the constant return of the guilt.  Part of me has day dreamed about killing myself, and leaving a note that says "my family wouldn't love me for who I was", just to make them listen...for once.  How sick is that.  Sorry, just had to vent.

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Your family needs to learn boundaries. I'd suggest searching Post-Mo for discussions on the topic - there's a lot of good advice here about how to teach people to respect your boundaries. You can do it!!
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Boundaries for sure. And get that appointment to your home canceled and don’t feel bad about it. It’s good practice! I am sorry you are facing SO SO much pressure. You really are. I so relate to what you said about how you can’t talk about anything with people who never talk about anything because they get hurt so Easily. People who can’t be honest with themselves (because they have been so extraordinarily well trained against it) are not capable of trust or engaging reality. It’s the disengagement from reality that is most disturbing to me at present. I am genuinely, fundamentally CREEPED OUT. Take a stand, cancel that appointment. If you can do it. And whatever happens, know that there are people here who support you, know what you are going through and are capable of loving the real you (and not afraid of the real you).
 
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Singing in the Rain:

Well, just as we were leaving on Sunday, she told my husband that she didn't cancel the appointment with this guy because SHE thought it would help, so they would be coming over in a couple nights to talk with us.  

 

So did you set up the appointment or did she? Did you ever confirm with him that you would talk to him? No? When he shows up, play dumb and pretend you are really busy and don't let him in. If you did confirm it with him, give him a call to let him know not to bother coming by.

 

I fell apart last night, all the doubts and guilt came back.   It's like when I opened myself up to feeling the good again, and to feeling confident in my own beliefs, I also opened up the door to feeling like a bug around my family, just ready to be stomped on. 

It's OK. Those "holy crap - did I make the wrong choice??!?" feelings come and go for a while.  If you ever do decide to go back, that option will be open to you. Until they go away or you decide to become a practicing Mormon again, just take a deep breath and relax. You are fine for the moment.

 

 

I can't just stop talking to them and seeing them.  I love them, besides my husband, they are all I have.  I'm just so sick of the roller coaster.  It just feels like I'm never going to be safe from hitting rock bottom.  I can't take the constant return of the guilt.  Part of me has day dreamed about killing myself, and leaving a note that says "my family wouldn't love me for who I was", just to make them listen...for once.  How sick is that.  Sorry, just had to vent.

Oh I am so sorry, Singing. That is a rough place to be.  It must feel awful to not be accepted by your family. They might be all you have at the moment, but every day you are listening to your own voice and following it. You are gaining YOURSELF. You will be your best ally ever.

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OMG.  Deep breaths.  Your DH's family is acting horribly.

It's his responsibility (since they're his family) to put them back in line  But if he won't, you're going to have to draw some boundaries of your own.

For the next little while, whenever you go to a family event, be prepared to leave immediately.  If anybody starts with you, they get ONE warning.  "I think we've discussed this topic enough, don't you?  Be both know where eachother stands.  Let's change the subject to something less argumentative."  If they persist, the you say "Well, it looks like it's time for [us/me] to go now."  If you just barely arrived, you can say "I'm sorry [I am/ we are] going to have to cut this visit short.  and "I know that this change has been a shock and it's going to take some adjusting for everybody.  I hope next time will be better."

Don't get angry or yell or storm out.  Just be calm and let your loved ones know- through your actions- that you won't stay around to be harassed and that you have confidence that everybody can learn to do better.  Will this be hard to do?  HELL YES.  It's always hard to set boundaries the first time.  It's going to feel strange and uncomfortable and unnatural.  You'll probably feel like you're being a b*tch at first.  But you have to do it or they will never respect you. Even if your boundaries make them angry at first, it will make them respect you more too.

 

As to the visit, call your MIL one more time and tell her: "I'm sorry I wasn't clear before but I won't be engaging in a debate or even a conversation with your very scholarly friend and if you don't cancel, you're going to feel very embarassed when he shows up and we turn him away.  I really don't want that to happen."  If this person shows up at your house, apologize and say "I'm so sorry.  I've asked my mother in law twice to cancel our appointment.  I wish she would have respected my wishes.  I'm so sorry to have wasted your time."

 

The thing about having some "scholarly" acquaintance come and answer all the doubter's questions is just so sad and cliche, isn't it?  It makes me laugh every time I hear about it.

 

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And remember that you're in a time in your life where you already should be relaxed and emotions are running high.  Suicide is a permanent solution to a very temporary problem.  You have so much to look forward to.  Dont' let these people get you down.  If they don't change their behavior, you can find a way to stick it to them without hurting yourself.
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I don't think many of us get through this without some white-hot rage.  There's a catch 22, though, because our TBM loved ones, upon seeing such a rage, call it Satan or Dark Spirit.  In our attempts to want to be seen as 'a good person' and an intelligent person making our own choices  we might try to push that anger down and still play the game with them.

 

You have every right to be angry!  Hell yes, you do.  Investing your entire life in a false religion is something you have every right to be angry about.  Would your family expect you to be angry and hurt if your husband left you for another woman?  What about if you invested your lifes savings with Bernie Madoff, are you allowed to be angry then?  No, I suppose you are expected to just walk away and leave it alone and not indulge in anger.

 

Mormons have NO sense of common boundries.  Those of us who are raised in the religion often have no idea what regular, healthy boundries are.  We are used to saying "yes" to anything asked of us.  We are used to high tailing it to the Bishops office for any manner of grillings if we are asked to.  We are used to being 14 year old young women being asked by the Bishop if we masturbate.  Let me tell you - if any grown man asks my daughter if she masturbates I'm calling the police.  That shit is not right.

 

Would you set up an Arbonne meeting for your MIL?  I'm sure it would help her to get some new makeup.  I'm sure it would help her to get a little business on the side going.  Maybe you should just tell the Arbonne rep she'd like to sell for them.  (I have nothing against Arbonne, I'm just picking something out of the air.)  How about dropping by with a PostMo scholar type to discuss church history?  Maybe just drop by at dinner time when you expect they will be home.  Maybe 9pm, bearing cookies.  Maybe you can tell them if they love you then they will stop going to church for a month.  If they don't, you will just assume they don't love you.

 

Mormons can dish it out but they can't freaking take it.  THEN if you don't want to play that game with them you are labled Anti, Dark Spirit, Apostate, etc.  Vilified on top of being lied to and manipulated for your entire life!

 

Oh yes, you have every damned right to be mad.

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Oh, and hey, I don't have any questions about Church History.  Do you?  I don't have one single question about it.  I feel I have a pretty solid understanding of the whole thing.

 

So, nothing for a History Scholar to do at your house anyway except for debate you on your reasons for leaving the church, which is exactly what they have in mind.

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I don’t want to ruin the ending for you ...... but it’s all going to be okay.

 
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Singing in the Rain.  In my experience you are more than halfway through.  It doesn't seem it but it is so.  Your DH's family does not know where the boundaries and you or he must set them.  the same with your family.  More than likely they will learn the boundaries and still love you.  From time to time they will bear their testimonies but the drama you are experiences right now will slow down hugely.  Remember to tell both your families that you love them as frequently as is reasonably possible.  You want to make sure that the reason you are telling them you don't want to listen to them preach to you is that you value the relationship and the relationship must be based upon respect.
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Oh. My. Goodness!

 

First, cancel the appointment otherwise this super, awesome, scholar of mormonism will think you are interested.

 

Second, you might need to let you DH know that you will not be attending the weekly family dinners unless his parents stop harassing you about the church.  I agree with apostate on this one.  If they won't respect your beliefs then you need to take a break from them until they learn how to treat you with the respect that you deserve.  Same with family parties.  Go and then leave if family or friends just cannot accept your new belief system. 

 

Try the anti-mormon testimony.  "I am at peace with my decision to leave the church."  "I am at peace with my belief system."  "I am at peace."  Or, "I don't want to discuss religion right now.  How's the (insert interesting topic here) doing?"  Or, "I was reading about (insert interesting topic here)"  

 

Mormon relatives can be exhausting.  I have to deal with parents when I visit this summer.

 

I will return and report. 

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Hi Singing In The Rain.


I feel for you.  Dora and I were there just a couple of months ago and have only really started to feel much more at peace in the last couple of months.

 

I also have a family (well, my parents, really) that has acted horribly.


I also entertained the idea of suicide for a terrible yet brief moment.

 

What kind of crazy religion does this to people?!!!!

 

I find myself slightly sickened (literally) when people try to discuss apologetics with me.  I have realized that (for better or worse) I simply no longer desire to believe doctrine that I now am convinced is destructive and crazy.  It is going to take a HELL of a good argument to bring that back for me.  I have yet to hear any apologetic argument that is even reasonable, let alone of the quality that would be required to bring me back into the fold.

 

Like you, I am still building my boundaries with me family.  We have family reunions all next month and I am certainly anxious about those but I think that enough negative experiences have occured that both sides are learning that we just don't want to go there anymore (I think this is the best it gets).

 

If I were you...my top priority would be cancelling that stupid appointment.  At the very least, move it to another location.  Your home should always be the safest place on earth for you and your family.  You alone have to make and keep it that way.

 

Dora and I realized that making our home safe includes purging (even if only metaphorically) people or influences from our lives that were toxic to our well being.  Family (so far) has not fallen into that category; but a few fake friendships have had to be completely abandoned.  We simply realized that we own our own responsibility for happiness (and the peacefullness in our home) and we alone could make the changes necessarily to get over the anger.  For us, that meant getting rid of some of the influences that continued to make us angry. 


Best of luck with this.  It sucks.  Remember that YOU ARE NOT ALONE.

 

 

 

 

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My husband was also upset by his mom's reaction, I just tend to blow my top more easily than he does.   He texted his mom (the only acceptable way to say what needs to be said in this family) and told her to not bring the guy over.  She had set up the appointment without our permission to begin with.  Hopefully "ok, we love you" means she won't bring the guy over.  We'll be out for dinner just in case....  I'm not falling apart anymore today, just...ulgh, family.  Sometimes just need a moment to scream.
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Stay unified with your husband and you guys can do anything.  Especially, extricating yourself out of a cult.  You guys are a member of a cult and so you are going to be treated like an escaping cult member.  IMO this is the phase where you will experience the most intense guilt, manipulation and love bombing.  Stay strong together.
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Hang in there. Always remember, you have the truth on your side. You are gaining sanity in a crazy environment. It will take time. It will not be pain-free. It will not be easy. But you are in charge. You are fortunate to be united with your husband on this. Lean on each other. Stand up for each other. Forge your own path together. Your TBM family is just doing what they have been trained to do. They are probably wonderful people in their own way, but when it comes to the church, they cannot think or behave rationally. But YOU can think and behave rationally. I know it's not easy, but the truth and your personal integrity is worth it. 

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The fine print: You can also find me populating the DAMU as monomo on NewOrderMormon, Happy Guy on LifeAfterMormonism, Tim the Enchanter on Mormon Discussions, and TheWayoftheFuture on /r/exmormon (Reddit).

 
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First of all, I'm sorry for what you're going through. I've been there. We've all been there. It's hard and awful but please, please remember that it's temporary.

 

What your family and your husband's family is doing to you is NOT OK. MishMagnet's examples of corollary bad behavior were fantastic. 

 

It's a process. Your Mormon family will probably always have problems with boundaries. Mine sure does. But if you set and maintain certain boundaries, you will feel so much better, I promise.  

 

I know you can't just cut your family off, but there are things you CAN do. Next time somebody wants to guilt-trip you via IM, LOG OFF. If you can avoid family get-togethers for now, I'd suggest you do so. When phone calls take a turn for the worst, say you have somewhere to be and hang up. Tell people, in no uncertain terms, that you are not willing to discuss religion. Don't answer rude questions. If somebody asks you if you read the apologetic literature they sent over, say something like, "How about them Yankees?"

 

And sending somebody over to your house is so beyond rude. It's SO NOT OK. Be sure to send a Catholic priest over to your MIL's house so he can clear up any of her concerns about Catholicism. RIDICULOUS! Don't let him in! If you're not ok with turning him away, don't answer the door!  

 

You have every right to be angry. There are no good and bad feelings, just informative ones. What is your anger trying to tell you? That you need to set some boundaries. I know it's so hard. I was so scared to tell my parents that I didn't believe in their church that I decided to just not tell them. I was planning on pretending to believe, forever, for their sake. But eventually I was brave enough to tell them, and to set boundaries, and to do things that I never imagined I would be brave enough to do. You have untapped reserves of strength that you can't even imagine. I still don't quite understand how I got the words out of my mouth, or how I was able to stick to my guns, but I did, and you will too.

 

It gets better. Seriously.  

 
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Happy Guy:

Hang in there. Always remember, you have the truth on your side. You are gaining sanity in a crazy environment. It will take time. It will not be pain-free. It will not be easy. But you are in charge. You are fortunate to be united with your husband on this. Lean on each other. Stand up for each other. Forge your own path together. Your TBM family is just doing what they have been trained to do. They are probably wonderful people in their own way, but when it comes to the church, they cannot think or behave rationally. But YOU can think and behave rationally. I know it's not easy, but the truth and your personal integrity is worth it. 

 

What 'Happy Guy' said.

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Singing in the Rain,

 

Last night my guy and I decided to take a 3-mile walk & talk. At about the 3rd mile two missionaries came behind us on bikes ON THE SIDEWALK, not the road, and after riding through us, stopped (blocking us) to tell us they had a message to give us about "families." I stayed quiet because I didn't know how to deal with the situation, but my guy said, "um, we're just trying to keep our stride going here, but thanks." They rode off finally and I realized I had a LOT more work to do in order to deal. Congratulations on starting to deal with your family. You're a step ahead of me. My family is walking around with the 'unspoken' knowledge that I'm not attending church. At some point, I'll have to say something too. I have a sister who I'm just seeing will give me a hard time, and it's shocking to me--I wouldn't have pegged her as the one to start the testimony harassment. It's painful. If my family ever follows the example of Christ, though, I think we'll all be fine.

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apostate:

OMG.  Deep breaths.  Your DH's family is acting horribly.

It's his responsibility (since they're his family) to put them back in line  But if he won't, you're going to have to draw some boundaries of your own.

For the next little while, whenever you go to a family event, be prepared to leave immediately.  If anybody starts with you, they get ONE warning.  "I think we've discussed this topic enough, don't you?  Be both know where eachother stands.  Let's change the subject to something less argumentative."  If they persist, the you say "Well, it looks like it's time for [us/me] to go now."  If you just barely arrived, you can say "I'm sorry [I am/ we are] going to have to cut this visit short.  and "I know that this change has been a shock and it's going to take some adjusting for everybody.  I hope next time will be better."

Don't get angry or yell or storm out.  Just be calm and let your loved ones know- through your actions- that you won't stay around to be harassed and that you have confidence that everybody can learn to do better.

 

As to the visit, call your MIL one more time and tell her: "I'm sorry I wasn't clear before but I won't be engaging in a debate or even a conversation with your very scholarly friend and if you don't cancel, you're going to feel very embarassed when he shows up and we turn him away.  I really don't want that to happen."  If this person shows up at your house, apologize and say "I'm so sorry.  I've asked my mother in law twice to cancel our appointment.  I wish she would have respected my wishes.  I'm so sorry to have wasted your time."

 


 

 Oh I seriously think I needed to hear this!  It must have been the Holy Ghost directing me to the thread or something. . . or I was bored. . . anyway.  Apostate Gal I think you are my hero!  These are some very wise words!  Thanks for sharing!!

 

Singing- I'm so sorry for the frustrations!  I also have extremely TBM in-laws and it is hard to know how to handle things as the daughter in law.  I appreciate the thread!

 
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Wmnindashu:

Singing in the Rain,

 

Last night my guy and I decided to take a 3-mile walk & talk. At about the 3rd mile two missionaries came behind us on bikes ON THE SIDEWALK, not the road, and after riding through us, stopped (blocking us) to tell us they had a message to give us about "families." I stayed quiet because I didn't know how to deal with the situation, but my guy said, "um, we're just trying to keep our stride going here, but thanks." They rode off finally and I realized I had a LOT more work to do in order to deal. Congratulations on starting to deal with your family. You're a step ahead of me. My family is walking around with the 'unspoken' knowledge that I'm not attending church. At some point, I'll have to say something too. I have a sister who I'm just seeing will give me a hard time, and it's shocking to me--I wouldn't have pegged her as the one to start the testimony harassment. It's painful. If my family ever follows the example of Christ, though, I think we'll all be fine.

 

 Ok, I have a new comeback for comments like this. I was watching "The Good Guys" (new favorite show, BTW) and a lady offered Dan, one of the main characters, a pen. He said, "No thanks. I don't like... writing."

 

So if somebody offers you a Book of Mormon or a pamphlet on eternal families? "No thanks. I don't like reading." If somebody wants to talk to you about how families can be together forever? "No thanks. I don't like my family."

 

I have yet to try this out, but I think such a silly reply would leave them momentarily speechless, giving you the opportunity to change the subject or make a swift exit.  

 
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I'm also in this situation, well, a bit behind. Just fresh in my disbelief and haven't come out to the family on either side but I can only imagine that it will go something like what you're experiencing at least on my in law side. And I still have many sleepless nights where I think "Am I doing the right thing?" So hang in there and hope things get better! Hugs!
 
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Eliza R. Snitch:
Wmnindashu:

Singing in the Rain,

 

Last night my guy and I decided to take a 3-mile walk & talk. At about the 3rd mile two missionaries came behind us on bikes ON THE SIDEWALK, not the road, and after riding through us, stopped (blocking us) to tell us they had a message to give us about "families." I stayed quiet because I didn't know how to deal with the situation, but my guy said, "um, we're just trying to keep our stride going here, but thanks." They rode off finally and I realized I had a LOT more work to do in order to deal. Congratulations on starting to deal with your family. You're a step ahead of me. My family is walking around with the 'unspoken' knowledge that I'm not attending church. At some point, I'll have to say something too. I have a sister who I'm just seeing will give me a hard time, and it's shocking to me--I wouldn't have pegged her as the one to start the testimony harassment. It's painful. If my family ever follows the example of Christ, though, I think we'll all be fine.

 

 Ok, I have a new comeback for comments like this. I was watching "The Good Guys" (new favorite show, BTW) and a lady offered Dan, one of the main characters, a pen. He said, "No thanks. I don't like... writing."

 

So if somebody offers you a Book of Mormon or a pamphlet on eternal families? "No thanks. I don't like reading." If somebody wants to talk to you about how families can be together forever? "No thanks. I don't like my family."

 

I have yet to try this out, but I think such a silly reply would leave them momentarily speechless, giving you the opportunity to change the subject or make a swift exit.  

 

That's great! The smarta$$ approach :) I like it and will try it!

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Singing in the Rain:
My husband was also upset by his mom's reaction, I just tend to blow my top more easily than he does.   He texted his mom (the only acceptable way to say what needs to be said in this family) and told her to not bring the guy over.  She had set up the appointment without our permission to begin with.  Hopefully "ok, we love you" means she won't bring the guy over.  We'll be out for dinner just in case....  I'm not falling apart anymore today, just...ulgh, family.  Sometimes just need a moment to scream.

 

Or you can have water ballons and tear-gas ready.  you can put a tie around your head and paint your faces, hide in the bushes and when they come over walip'em good.  THAT WOULD BE TOTALY AWSOME!!! Man I might envite the missionaries over now. why didn't think of that sooner!!

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My inlaws are TBM crazy.  For me, though, when we left the church not too much changed cause DH's mom always hated me anyways.  I wasn't the contrite little TBM follow and do whatever MiL says/wants/asks/implies.  I still can't look her in the eye cause the condesending passive agressiveness makes me crazy and I'm afraid I'll go off if I see it.  Sounds like you need some good boundries, and a lovely statue of the virgin mary at your door to freak out or confuse any mormons tryin to come to your door.
 
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Okay, the Hebrews in Egypt put blood on their lintels so the destroying angel would pass them by. People in the 1800's put horseshoes over their doors to keep out witches and demons. I have a "No Soliciting" sign next to my door that does a pretty good job of keeping away door-to-door salesmen.

 

We need something similar that we can put on/above/around our front doors that will drive away apologists, missionaries, etc.

 

Any ideas people?

 

(And I'm thinking a shredded BoM might be a bit too antagonistic.) 

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tanis:

Okay, the Hebrews in Egypt put blood on their lintels so the destroying angel would pass them by. People in the 1800's put horseshoes over their doors to keep out witches and demons. I have a "No Soliciting" sign next to my door that does a pretty good job of keeping away door-to-door salesmen.

 

We need something similar that we can put on/above/around our front doors that will drive away apologists, missionaries, etc.

 

Any ideas people?

 

(And I'm thinking a shredded BoM might be a bit too antagonistic.) 

 

 Something like this, but pretty (pixelation raises hell with tiny photos) could be of value.  It wouldn't mean jack-mormon to anyone but current and former cult members. (I hope I remember how to insert a .jpg...)

 

 

 

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Singing,

 

There has already been much discussion about boundaries, and it's worth working to set some with family.

 

But before you do...

 

...remember that they're scared, too.  They're behavior is unskillful, to be sure, but in their world-view, someone they love is slipping away into the abyss.  You know you're not falling into hell, but they don't. 

 

When I remember that, I can reframe the behavior of family and friends that is less than desirable, and realize that they must care about me enough to invest like that.  Frankly, I was shocked at how few people cared enough about my salvation to come to me and at least talk about it.  The few that did?  They actually have a special place in my heart because it was evidence that they love me...they just suck at showing it.

 

Keeping that in mind, it might make setting the boundaries easier.  You can reframe things for your mom or your MIL. 

 

"Mom, I know you love me, and you're worried about me, and I appreciate that.  You've invested a lot of time, energy, and worry in making sure I make good decisions, and you don't think I am now.  The truth is, I am as confident in the decisions I am making right now as I have ever been about anything.  I don't know where this journey will lead, but right now, I know for certain that it's not going to be an LDS journey.  I need you in my life, and I need you to accept the reality that I'm making careful, well-considered choices for myself.  If you push the church agenda on me, you'll push me away.  But if you just love me for who I am, we'll get to have a great relationship.  I accept you as you are...and I would ask that you do the same for me."

 

That's the kind of conversation you may need to have.  If you can remain empathic to their perspective, you can incorporate that empathy into your response.  On the other hand, if you just see them as jerks (and I doubt they are), then that is how your response will come across.

 

It ain't easy...but it's liberating.

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How close are you to going into delivering?

I left the church when I was pregnant with my first.  For me, it was "sh*t or get off the pot" time.  I didn't want my child to be introduced to the LDS doctrines on any level.

 

Use this time, if you can, to freeze some meals.  If you have a Costco or Sams membership, they have a lot of things you can buy and stick into the oven.

 

Find some nevermo or exmo friends to help out too.  If you live in the Utard area, I'm sure that there are some people here who would be willing to lend a hand with childcare or whatever.  Try to find a support group.  This board is good, but the meetings I went to helped me the most.  And if the RS calls to offer help, just say "I've got it covered, but thanks."  No amount of help is worth the obligation that will follow.  Right now you need to try to sever ties.

 

And frankly, I think your DH's family is doubly guilty right now.  Not just for stressing out an exmo (or soon to be exmo) lady but for stressing out a pregnant exmo lady.  That ought to be punnishable by very heafty fines. 

 

I hope you can get your DH to advocate for the both of you with his family.  (My DH also tends to be much more level headed than I am which is a good thing.)

 

He needs to learn phrases like "Mom, we're not going to hassle [your name] any more about anything religious in nature.  In the future, if she feels like discussing any of it, she knows where to find you.  Same goes for me."

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Elder OldDog:
tanis:

Okay, the Hebrews in Egypt put blood on their lintels so the destroying angel would pass them by. People in the 1800's put horseshoes over their doors to keep out witches and demons. I have a "No Soliciting" sign next to my door that does a pretty good job of keeping away door-to-door salesmen.

 

We need something similar that we can put on/above/around our front doors that will drive away apologists, missionaries, etc.

 

Any ideas people?

 

(And I'm thinking a shredded BoM might be a bit too antagonistic.) 

 

 Something like this, but pretty (pixelation raises hell with tiny photos) could be of value.  It wouldn't mean jack-mormon to anyone but current and former cult members. (I hope I remember how to insert a .jpg...)

 

 

 

 

Here's another one:

http://www.printablesigns.net/samples/No_Proselytizing.png

 

 

 

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I saw these all over the place in Mexico, presumably to keep away the Mormon missionaries:

 

este hogar es catolico 

"This home is Catholic. We don't accept Protestant propaganda or any other sects. Long live Christ! Long live the Virgin of Guadalupe, mother of God!"

 

Or you could go with something like this:

 

no es

 

"This home is not Catholic, or Jewish, or Pentecostal, or Muslim, or Buddhist. We do not accept Christian propaganda." 

 
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Eliza R. Snitch:

I saw these all over the place in Mexico, presumably to keep away the Mormon missionaries:

 

este hogar es catolico 

"This home is Catholic. We don't accept Protestant propaganda or any other sects. Long live Christ! Long live the Virgin of Guadalupe, mother of God!"

 

Or you could go with something like this:

 

no es

 

"This home is not Catholic, or Jewish, or Pentecostal, or Muslim, or Buddhist. We do not accept Christian propaganda." 

 

It's good to know that the Catholics aren't accepting of ALL types of propaganda.  I guess a little is better than a lot in some cases. 

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I'm sure an upside down pentagram would keep a lot of people away.
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happyashellexmo:
I'm sure an upside down pentagram would keep a lot of people away.

 

 As will a goat carcass.

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apostate:

How close are you to going into delivering?

 

 I'm due mid August.  And have been having lots of contractions since I was 24 weeks along, the fact that I haven't gone into pre-term labor with all this stuff is a miracle!  Thanks for all of your thoughts!  I've had a chance to calm down a bit, and I know its just their obnoxious way of showing concern.  

 

I got a little "over angry" I guess because this wasn't the first time we've had problems.  My MIL has tried slipping in LDS teachings with my 3 year old daughter, which REALLY upset me as well.  She tried to tell me my daughter needed help praying if she was going to pray at their dinner table (my daughter tends to say short prayers), and after babysitting our kids one night, all my daughter would talk about for the next week was "I want to go to church, why don't we go to church, I really want to go to church!".  All my daughter knows about church is sacrament meeting (she hasn't been to nursery in over a year), so I knew this wasn't just coming from her.

 

 Anyway, my husband and I are both very sensitive towards our family, and even though they've hurt us, we still have a hard time standing up for ourselves when we know it will hurt them...guess we just need to keep working at finding a balance.

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Singing in the Rain:
apostate:

How close are you to going into delivering?

 

 I'm due mid August.  And have been having lots of contractions since I was 24 weeks along, the fact that I haven't gone into pre-term labor with all this stuff is a miracle!  Thanks for all of your thoughts!  I've had a chance to calm down a bit, and I know its just their obnoxious way of showing concern.  

 

I got a little "over angry" I guess because this wasn't the first time we've had problems.  My MIL has tried slipping in LDS teachings with my 3 year old daughter, which REALLY upset me as well.  She tried to tell me my daughter needed help praying if she was going to pray at their dinner table (my daughter tends to say short prayers), and after babysitting our kids one night, all my daughter would talk about for the next week was "I want to go to church, why don't we go to church, I really want to go to church!".  All my daughter knows about church is sacrament meeting (she hasn't been to nursery in over a year), so I knew this wasn't just coming from her.

 

 Anyway, my husband and I are both very sensitive towards our family, and even though they've hurt us, we still have a hard time standing up for ourselves when we know it will hurt them...guess we just need to keep working at finding a balance.

 

 My 4-yr. old loves going to church.  It's a phase.  He has a cool teacher.  Older kids, not so much.

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