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Apostate’s Dictionary, Anyone?
 
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I do not know if any of you are familiar with “The Devil’s Dictionary.”  It is a collection of sarcastic (but I think funny) definitions of common terms.  For example, “Telephone” is defined as:

 

TELEPHONE, n. An invention of the devil which abrogates some of the advantages of making a disagreeable person keep his distance.

 

You can find the whole dictionary here:  www.thedevilsdictionary.com

 

I don’t know if anyone has the inclination to have some fun with LDS terms, but I thought it might be fun to build an “Apostate’s Dictionary.”

 

A suggested first entry (as it is the 30th of the month…):

 

Home Teaching:  A church program in which male members dash from house to house on the last day of the month for ever so brief visits to families and individuals so they can report they “were 100%” for the month.  Note:  Brief encounters in malls, grocery stores, gas stations, and even church meetings are counted.

 

Others?

 

Sacarament Meeting?

 

PPI?

 

Bishop?

 

Temple Emdowment?

 

Three-hour Block?

 

Stake Conference?

 

General Conference?

 

Relief Society?

 

Nursery?

 

Sealing?

 

Signs and Tokens?

 

Temple Clothing?

 

Tithing?

 

Fast Offering?

 

Deacon?

 

 

 

 

 
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LeftGood:

I do not know if any of you are familiar with “The Devil’s Dictionary.”  It is a collection of sarcastic (but I think funny) definitions of common terms.  For example, “Telephone” is defined as:

 

TELEPHONE, n. An invention of the devil which abrogates some of the advantages of making a disagreeable person keep his distance.

 

You can find the whole dictionary here:  www.thedevilsdictionary.com

 

I don’t know if anyone has the inclination to have some fun with LDS terms, but I thought it might be fun to build an “Apostate’s Dictionary.”

 

A suggested first entry (as it is the 30th of the month…):

 

Home Teaching:  A church program in which male members dash from house to house on the last day of the month for ever so brief visits to families and individuals so they can report they “were 100%” for the month.  Note:  Brief encounters in malls, grocery stores, gas stations, and even church meetings are counted.

 

Others?

 

Sacarament Meeting?

 

PPI?

 

Bishop?

 

Temple Emdowment?

 

Three-hour Block?

 

Stake Conference?

 

General Conference?

 

Relief Society?

 

Nursery?

 

Sealing?

 

Signs and Tokens?

 

Temple Clothing?

 

Tithing?

 

Fast Offering?

 

Deacon?

 

 

 

 

 Deacon n: a snot nosed kid that ostesibly holds more leadership authority than any woman that has ever lived.

 

Fast offering  n: extortion money paid out once a month to get a snot nosed deacon off your porch.

 

Mission  n: 1. a two year celibate exile from home that is endured to ensure that a woman will one day marry you.  2.  a reminder that you should have joined the Peace Corps.

 

General Conference  n: a good weekend to go fishing because you don't have a class to teach and it's all coming out in the Ensign soon anyway.

 

Sacrament Meeting  n: A good time to go fishing.

 

Three Hour Block  n:  see sacrament meeting definition.  X 3

 

Temple Clothing  n:  the real definition is so funny and ridiculous that I lack words to make it funnier.

 

Proclamation on the Family  n: a statement that is most definitely NOT about the family.

 

 

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“I can’t go back to yesterday because I was a different person then.” Alice in Wonderland.

 
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I always imagined that a lot of missionaries felt like this.   Because honestly, if you have automatic weapons just lying around, why wouldn't you use them to make really annoying people go away?

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“We are defined not only by what we create, but what we refuse to destroy.”

 
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Home Teacher:  Someone who offers his assistance for any of your needs, while hoping deep down you won't take him up on his offer. 

 

December Home Teaching:  The time of year when you wait in the car while junior companion puts a chicken-shit plate of cookies on the door step, rings the door bell and runs.  Chicken-shit because HT is completed in 10 minutes and you don't have to talk to anyone.

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If a man does not keep pace with his companions, perhaps it is because he hears a different drummer. Let him step to the music which he hears, however measured or far away.
- Henry David Thoreau

 
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Family History nightmare: A LDS centenarian who tells the FH specialists he absolutely knows his great aunt Cleo did ever single ordinance on behalf of his kindred dead (on sixteen blood lines), only to find out she was actually viewing porn. Thus he ends up at the door to the family History library during the second part of block and asks a specialist to prepare the "colored slips, so he (centenarian) can stop by the library at the end of the block and pick them up so as to spend the next couple of weeks in local LDS temple (cursing aunt Cleo) and doing numerous endowments.

 

All of which are totally bogus you understand ("Let the dead bury the dead..."} 

 
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Tithe settlement:  Mormon membership fee for having a mall located in a part of the world which you will never shop at.     
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Miss O
“Have you threatened your children with eternal damnation today?”

 
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Temple endowment:  The privledge of having  so-called blessings put upon you which you can never fully experience since they aren't actually reality based. 
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Miss O
“Have you threatened your children with eternal damnation today?”

 
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Temple Clothing Garments:  a specific designer underwear  which miraculously turns into cutting edge protective  shields  but  rarely, if ever, actually works. 
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Miss O
“Have you threatened your children with eternal damnation today?”

 
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Nursey leader:  evidence that reincarnation exists and you are paying off past karmic debt. 
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Miss O
“Have you threatened your children with eternal damnation today?”

 
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Oh you guys are funny!
 
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Bishop's Youth Interview - Voyeuristic interview conducted by an old ignorant man for the purpose of hearing what youngsters are thinking up to do sexually since he never had such an imagination or the courage to do and never will since his wife would think he was a pervert if he asked.
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The Gospel according to Mormonism.  Making perfect sense since NEVER!

 
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Law of Chastity:

A physically torturous commandment which  causes  the obedient to head toward marriage with lightening speed; thus fulfilling another larger commandment to get married.

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Miss O
“Have you threatened your children with eternal damnation today?”

 
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Sunday School.  A gathering where they sometimes talk about some really weird stuff.

 

Priesthood Meeting: an all male gathering where they talk about stuff that is too weird even for Sunday School.

 

Priesthood: 1. Something given to all active Mormons with a penis even though most of them don't lead a congregation like the word priesthood implies.   2. Manly powers only inferred upon manly men to to put women in their place and make them feel inferior.  

 

Deacon: Altar boy.  Note, not really a deacon.

Teacher: 1. Boy that never teaches classes or performs any type of teaching whatsoever. 2. slightly older altar boy.

Priest: 1. Boy that often shows up hungover to pray over bread and water on Sunday. 2. older altar boy.

Elder: A young man in the mormon church. Note Elders are rarely very old.

High Priest: A man that is actually an elder because he is actually old.  Does not remotely resemble an actual priest.

Bishop: Close to what most people call the priest and the only person in the ward that anyone outside of the church thinks has the priesthood.

 

 

 

 

 

 

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“I can’t go back to yesterday because I was a different person then.” Alice in Wonderland.

 
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Okay, so these are getting seriously good.

 

I will compile them in dictionary style at some point and post them.  

 

Need lots more!

 
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Church; expensive building in which strange rituals are performed.  These rituals alwas feautre some kind of guilt-inducing higher power figure.  

 

Temple; an extremely expensive building.  Access is not only members only, but appraied per room on a case by case basis.   Even stranger rituals are performed here and all members are sworn to secrecy.  The highest members have a secret chamber where they cackle and plot to take over the world.

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“We are defined not only by what we create, but what we refuse to destroy.”

 
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A Peculiar People: Self designation indicating members of the church believe they live their lives at a moral standard much higher than non members.  Synonyms: chosen, elect, in the world but not of the world, reserved for the last days, speeshul. 

To the rest of the world, it means a group of people who worship a money-digging, adulterous, lying, megalomaniac.  A group of people who believe underwear with funny marks sewn into them offer protection from spiritual and physical dangers.   In other words, peculiar. 

 

In the World But Not Of the World: delusional, unable to face reality.  (See peculiar)

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“Moral certainty is always a sign of cultural inferiority. The more uncivilized the man, the surer he is that he knows precisely what is right and what is wrong. All human progress, even in morals, has been the work of men who have doubted the current moral values, not of men who have whooped them up and tried to enforce them. The truly civilized man is always skeptical and tolerant, in this field as in all others. His culture is based on “I am not too sure.”” H.L. Mencken

 
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Racial Diversity:  Having token minorities (excluding women) in the quorum of seventies.  Using unwitting people of color in church advertising. 

 

Quorum of Seventies:  Mostly white men in business suits who have excelled in business and in following church programs.  Have shown the ability to squash the little people on their way up the church corporate ladder.  Have financial acumen.  Sit in plush chairs twice a year in the great and spacious building where they dream of moving into bigger plusher chairs just above them and where they look down with beatific smiles upon the adoring masses

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“Moral certainty is always a sign of cultural inferiority. The more uncivilized the man, the surer he is that he knows precisely what is right and what is wrong. All human progress, even in morals, has been the work of men who have doubted the current moral values, not of men who have whooped them up and tried to enforce them. The truly civilized man is always skeptical and tolerant, in this field as in all others. His culture is based on “I am not too sure.”” H.L. Mencken

 
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OMG.  I am loving these!
 
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persecution: 1. Regardless of the truth of the statement persecution is somebody talking smack about the church even if they don't say anything negative about the members of the church. 2. A word that does not apply to any church member that disses other religions, philosophies, differing points of view, or actions that strip homosexuals of civil rights.

 

Endowment Ceremony: 1. a cure for insomnia.  2. A freakshow if you manage to stay awake.

 

Quorum of the Twelve:  Twelve men, who rumor has it, speak face to face regularly with a cardiologist.  

 

Water: 1. a substance controlled by the devil that regularly sucks wayward missionaries down to hell. 2. A valid substitute for wine.

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“I can’t go back to yesterday because I was a different person then.” Alice in Wonderland.

 
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Little Factory:  Euphemism for penis.  Runs on its own, no manual intervention required.  Excess capacity is eliminated at night.   Manual intervention leads to mergers with other little factories. 

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“Moral certainty is always a sign of cultural inferiority. The more uncivilized the man, the surer he is that he knows precisely what is right and what is wrong. All human progress, even in morals, has been the work of men who have doubted the current moral values, not of men who have whooped them up and tried to enforce them. The truly civilized man is always skeptical and tolerant, in this field as in all others. His culture is based on “I am not too sure.”” H.L. Mencken

 
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Law Of Consecration: Willingly enslaving yourself to the church.
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It is my conviction that killing under the cloak of war is nothing but an act of murder.
Albert Einstein

 
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standards n arbitrary social norms used to signal to others that one is part of the tribe; see also swearing, modesty, Word of Wisdom

 

personal ethics n a codified set of behaviors and mode of thinking approved by the First Presidency

 

morality n the ability to recognize and point out all instances of swearing and sex in the book or movie one has just read or watched

 

testimony n closedmindedness

 

 

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In a way all of us have an El Guapo to face someday.
http://digitalplates.blogspot.com/

 
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Death on the spot: 1. punishment given to laundromat owners for displaying garments.  2. punishment for having sex with anyone of the African race.  

 

First Vision: A story where Joseph Smith prayed and either, felt the spirit of God, saw and angel, saw Jesus Christ, or saw God, Jesus, and the Holy Ghost, depending upon which telling.

 

Peepstone: 1. A stone used by con artists and fortune tellers to bilk people out of their money.  2. How Joseph Smith translated the Book of Mormon.

 

Handcart: A device used to lead people to hell.

 

Google: A device used to lead people to hell.

 

Mountain Meadows Massacre: A bunch of buffalo were massacred in the a mountain meadow; don't let anyone tell you otherwise.

 

Faith: Denying facts.

 

Facts: 1. Stuff that gets in the way of faith.  2. Anti Mormon literature.

 

Gentile: Anyone not Mormon, including Jews.

 

Porn addict: Anyone that has ever looked at porn, ever.

 

Porn: Rated R movies.

 

Polygamy: 1. A way to not feel guilty for not keeping your dick in the your pants. 2. Why Warren Jeffs went to prison.  3. Why Joseph Smith was tarred and feathered.

 

Cognitive dissonance: How did I ever believe this shit?

 

Pay Lay Ale: In the language of Adam it means, "How could anyone believe this shit?" 

 

BYU: Place to get a college degree without learning logic and hiding from facts. see definition for facts.

 

General Conference: General Anesthesia.

 

Garments:   1. Protection from fire, bullets, nuclear weapons, cancer causing agents in jello, and attack by giant Quakers from the Moon. 2. Also known to fend off erections.

 

Giant Quakers from the Moon: Joseph Smith taught there are people living on the moon that dress like Quakers but they are really tall, some up to seven feet. 

 

 

 

 

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“I can’t go back to yesterday because I was a different person then.” Alice in Wonderland.

 
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Junior Companion: 1. Teenaged boy who says the prayer at the end of a home teaching visit but otherwise remains silent. 2. New missionary, greenie, noob. 3. Older missionary who hasn't passed off his discussions or who is otherwise on the mission president's shit list.

 

Senior Companion: 1. Guy who gives the home teaching lesson. Often the father of the Junior Companion. 2. Missionary who has passed off all his discussions and has managed not to piss off the mission president. 3. Older missionary who hasn't passed off his discussions or who is otherwise on the mission president's shit list, but has only one transfer to go and the mission president has seen fit to reward him for at least not getting excommunicated and sent home. 

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Take me to church
I’ll worship like a dog at the shrine of your lies
I’ll tell you my sins and you can sharpen your knife
Offer me that deathless death
Good God, let me give you my life- Take Me To Church, Hozier

You’re like the Gandhi of postmo. - Lloyd Dobler

 
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masturbate:  precursor to all sin, including but not limited to lewd and lasciviousness behavior, heavy petting, fornication, infidelity, adultery, harlotry, whoredoms etc.  Also the precursor to porn addiction, shoplifting (mainly Playboy magazines, cigarettes and alcohol).  Causes young males to lie to bishops, sp's and mp's about the practice of masturbation.  Also known to cause homosexual behavior. 

 

initiatory, also referred to as washings and anointings:  An introductory temple ceremony where until recently, inductees undressed and clothed themselves with a scant sheet that was open on the sides, and then submitted themselves to naked touching underneath the sheet.  Also known to the irreverent as "the strip tease."

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If a man does not keep pace with his companions, perhaps it is because he hears a different drummer. Let him step to the music which he hears, however measured or far away.
- Henry David Thoreau

 
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curse n a skin of blackness. v to cause a sinful people to be changed from white and delightsome skin color to a skin of blackness.

 

Catholic Church n The great and abominable whore of all the earth

 

Lamanite n a member of a cursed race that used to comprise the principle ancestors of the American Indian

 

DNA n human genetic code that changes magically from time to time to keep the exact whereabouts of the Lamanites and their descendants unknown to scientific discovery.

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If a man does not keep pace with his companions, perhaps it is because he hears a different drummer. Let him step to the music which he hears, however measured or far away.
- Henry David Thoreau

 
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The Garden of Eden:  A cattle ranch with piles of rocks and cow dung strewn all over that is based somewhere in Missouri.

 

The Book of Mormon: A poorly written fiction novel that was "Translated" by a very eccentric young man named Joseph Smith with the use of peepstones; (see peepstone con artist) which today the book is considered as a "Truthfull" users guide manual for the LDS member.

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“I like your Christ, I do not like your Christians. Your Christians are so unlike your Christ.”

Mohandas Gandhi

 
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Anti-Mormon (n) - 1) A purveyor of unuseful truths; 2) A historian that is insufficiently faith promoting; 3) A bitter and angry persecutor seeking to justify his pride, sin, and disobedience.

 

Truth (n) - Whatever makes you feel all warm and fuzzy inside, unless what makes you feel all warm and fuzzy inside contradicts LDS Church teachings.

 

Prophet (n) - The 'mouthpiece of the Lord' who reveals God's eternal truths to be accepted and obeyed without question for all generations of time and all eternity, or until such time as his successors deem him to have only been 'speaking as a man'.

 

polygamy (n) - 1) The ancient evolutionary prerogative of the alpha male and his closest male supporters in homo sapien and other primate species; 2) A sacred Abrahamic 'test of obedience' for Joseph Smith and his closest male supporters.

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“Now Korihor said unto him: I do not deny the existence of a God, but I do not believe that there is a God; and I also say, that ye do not know that there is a God” (Alma 30:48)

 
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Golden plates - large heavy book of gold leaves engraved with characters of non understandable language except by one, and never seen by anyone. See Pot 'o Gold under the Rainbow for more information.
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The Gospel according to Mormonism.  Making perfect sense since NEVER!

 
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Brother n: a Mormon male that is not your brother.
 
Sister n: 1. Mormon female that is not your sister.  2. Gladys Knight
 
Hold to the rod v: to grip tightly to one's little factory.
 
Johnny Lingo n: A shrewd slave trader that managed to buy a ten cow woman for eight cows.  
 
Laban n: A dude that got his head cut off for trying to keep his library intact.
 
Nephi n: a jihadi that killed Laban and robbed his library because God told him to.
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“I can’t go back to yesterday because I was a different person then.” Alice in Wonderland.

 
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translation:  the act of putting one's head in a hat and seeing words appear.  The words are what's written on golden plates in another room.  The words can later be "corrected."
Translation has nothing to do with reading something in one language and expressing it in another. 

"I know the church is true":  phrase used to indicate that one has good feelings about one's church.  The phrase has nothing to do with "knowing" anything, but can be freely used as a response to every and any criticism or objective examination of that church. 
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As Neo reaches for the red pill Morpheus warns Neo
“Remember, all I’m offering is the truth. Nothing more.”

 
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You guys are awesome.

 

I will compile this into a document on Sunday and post it here.  I would love to have a hundred more entries. 

 
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filthy lucre:  any untithed money circulating in the world

 

on the lord's business:  designing, building and operating any of mormonism's large commercial operations.  Examples:  "The Mall," ranches in Texas and Florida etc, hunting preserves in Utah and Wyoming, almond plantation in California, Agri Northwest in Washington, Bonneville Communications . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .

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If a man does not keep pace with his companions, perhaps it is because he hears a different drummer. Let him step to the music which he hears, however measured or far away.
- Henry David Thoreau

 
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Testimony meeting. 1; a special meeting that interupts the usual strange Sunday rituals, in which church members get up in front of the congregation, make embarassing displays of emotion, talk about things best left to be dealt with by therapists, and then say that that they were inspired by the Holy Ghost to talk about these things.  2; a special meeting where members stand up and spout propaganda on the spot, but aren't allowed to say anyting contradictory to current established doctrine.
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“We are defined not only by what we create, but what we refuse to destroy.”

 
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circumcision:  removal of the male foreskin; the process by which a factory becomes accepted of the lawrd.
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If a man does not keep pace with his companions, perhaps it is because he hears a different drummer. Let him step to the music which he hears, however measured or far away.
- Henry David Thoreau

 
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Holy Ghost n: Invisible man that helps you out when you need him except for times when you actually need his help like after midnight or there is some sort of sin around.
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“I can’t go back to yesterday because I was a different person then.” Alice in Wonderland.

 
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free agency -   1. the freedom to do and believe anything that is church approved. 

 2.  paying ones tithe is the annual measurement fee of such  freedom. 

 

milk before meat - 1. two types of doctrinal beliefs determining lesser and higher  levels of crazyness  2. the milk is less crazy than the meat and therefore is suggested to partake of rather than choking on the meat.  3.  A mormon method of withholding all the information thereby slowly desensitizing the mind toward programming acceptance.  4. In sales programs this would be called the 'compliance technique' whereby people accept and agree with lesser  ideas  which previous acceptance  builds momentum toward accepting the larger ideas -  ( buying the product which is mormonsim therefore is no different than buying a used car.)

 

missionary -  a gullible and obedient man or woman who  teaches the art of presenting milk before meat  without being familiar with the meat.

 

cognitive dissonance  -  1. one who believes in  Mormon principles.    2. The ability to  be duped by deceptive authorities while paying them a fee for the privilege. 

3.  accepting and defending ridiculous lies while asserting that they are not lies.

 

prophet of God -  a man who is the best manipulative liar in the group. 

 

saints -  1. no remarkable feats or character need be attained except baptisim into mormonism.   2.  having a testimony of the prophets as true, not drinking alcohol, tea or coffee, fidelity  and abstaining from smoking constitute   miraculous character traits  to designate one as a saint worthy of being baptised into the membership title.  3.  ommission of any above criteria  may still qualify a person as being titled "saint" if they have the right connections.

 

excommunicated mormon -  a person lacking such saintly character traits or a person lacking the right connections.

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Miss O
“Have you threatened your children with eternal damnation today?”

 
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healing:  the act of one or more male mormons laying their hands on a person's head and then praying for the person's condition to change.  If the subject is quite old the prayer is to give them a glorious send off into the next life.  If the subject is younger the prayer is generally to restore them to health, but knowing they have no power, those performing the healing generally include a disclaimer, "if it be God's will," thereby passing all responsibility for lack of results to the unknown.  Healings are known to have positive results at about the same rate as a placebo, but then only if the subject is aware he/she is being prayed over.  Healings are often for the benefit of the subject's relatives and friends and those performing the healing, more so than for the subject, because it makes them feel like they are doing something positive for the subject and it has an ego boosting effect.  It gives everyone that "warm fuzzy feeling."

 

 

apostate:  the vilest of all sinners.  One who at some point in his/her life accepted the grandiose claims of Joseph Smith and his successors and who embraced their celestial rewards program and then willfully chose to abandon and forsake the promise of “the opening of the windows of heaven,” and “the plurality of wives and infinite sex that would accompany it;” also, they denounced any desire to “become a god and populate a multitude of worlds,” through that infinite sex opportunity.  Apostates usually fall into a drunken state of lasciviousness, infidelity, lewdness, thievery, etc. (see church prophecies).  They may even become sympathetic of other sinners such as homosexuals and democrats.  Worst of all they may develop the ability to think rationally and logically and could be found forming an opinion without the help of the Mormon Institution.

 

 

 

 

 

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If a man does not keep pace with his companions, perhaps it is because he hears a different drummer. Let him step to the music which he hears, however measured or far away.
- Henry David Thoreau

 
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Brigham Young:  Second leader of the mormon church.  Never sustained as prophet during his llife but is today.  Led the saints to Utah where he proved that Brighamism is next to godliness.  Taught many mystifying doctrines that were believed in his day but denounced by church leaders today.  Taught that black people were the spawn of Cain's little factory and were therefore cursed.  Taught that we should have christ like love to the point that we should kill somebody to save their eternal souls.  Married several of Joseph Smith's 'licked cupcakes' after Joseph's death.  Died in 1877 of arsenic poisoning that miraculously changed into appendicitis.

 

Cain: Mark of.  Special marking placed on Cain after murdering his brother Abel.  According to Mormonism this marking was a black skin, considered offensive to ancient white and delightsome republican hebrews, who would never want to marry or mingle their seed with one.  Since the biblical record is unclear how Cain managed to intermarry with his white sisters we must assume that god created a dark and loathsome black chick who was into bad boys.  In 1978 god changed his mind about the mark of Cain and allowed worthy blacks all the rights and privileges associated with worthy white and delightsome republican mormons.  God did not however, remove the dark and loathsome mark of Cain like he promised to in the Book of Mormon.

 

Oral Sex:  1 The use of the mouth to stimulate the sexual genitalia.  The First Presidency of the church, Spencer W. Kimball, N. Eldon Tanner, Marion G. Romney, in 1982 declared that oral sex was an unholy and impure practice and any married couple that engaged in it would be considered unworthy of entering the temple.  The practice of oral sex is now considered normal and a hell of a good time by faithful mormons who think they are still temple worthy if they only do it with their lawfully and legally wedded spouse and avoid talking about it except in a condemning fashion around other mormons.

2 Only one of the many reasons good mormons condemn former President Bill Clinton after his tryst with Monica Lewinsky

 

Anal Sex: 1 Something that only homo's do.  2 Something that only young men in the church do after playing with their little factories on a regular basis when they automatically turn into homo's.  3 Something faithful Latter day Saints are incapable of doing since that particular orifice is stuffed with their heads.

 

Molly Mormon: A devout faithful LDS woman who finds fulfillment only in her home.  An LDS woman who thinks that sexy lingerie is white magic underwear with certain marks in it.  An LDS woman who thinks that buttering the buns is something done in the kitchen at 350 degrees.

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After coming into contact with a religious man I always feel I must wash my hands.

Friedrich Nietzsche

 
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Joined  2011-10-11

Relief Society Attire:  The typical Long blue denim sleeveless dress that is worn with a long sleeve blouse underneath that is mainly worn in most parts of Utah. This attire is an advanced version of the female polygamists 19th century slave uniform that similates the 'Burqa'.
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“I like your Christ, I do not like your Christians. Your Christians are so unlike your Christ.”

Mohandas Gandhi

 
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Joined  2011-01-11

Jesus: Bastard son of Mary
 
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