I have read and studied more about the church this week than I think I have done in my whole time as a member. I can't believe in it, it's just not possible, and even if I am wrong and it is true, I would rather be in the lowest kingdom than be with a God who would hand women out like party prizes to 'righteous men'.
But I can't just stop, I have to go slowly to help my spouse come to terms with the situation, to make the transition easier on him to ultimately (hopefully) save my marriage.
But how am I going to face the Primary kids I am called to serve? My son will be sat in front of me and I will have to lie to his face and I've never lied to him.
I have read and studied more about the church this week than I think I have done in my whole time as a member. I can't believe in it, it's just not possible, and even if I am wrong and it is true, I would rather be in the lowest kingdom than be with a God who would hand women out like party prizes to 'righteous men'.
But I can't just stop, I have to go slowly to help my spouse come to terms with the situation, to make the transition easier on him to ultimately (hopefully) save my marriage.
But how am I going to face the Primary kids I am called to serve? My son will be sat in front of me and I will have to lie to his face and I've never lied to him.
I feel ill about it.
Yikes! That is a difficult situation, but one that many others have faced and made it through. I'm sure you are going to get lots of good support and advice.
My personal suggestion would be to stay home sick this week to buy yourself some time to come up with a plan. And, you won't be lying, you really are feeling ill!
Is there any way you could talk to your bishop husband about being released and moved to a calling where you can still be "active" for now since you are tyring to take it slow, but that doesn't require you say and teach things you don't believe? Like a pianist, produce the ward newsletter, etc? You wouldn't even have to tell the other ladies in the presidency why, the bishop (your dh) could just say that you are needed for another calling.
I have read and studied more about the church this week than I think I have done in my whole time as a member. I can't believe in it, it's just not possible, and even if I am wrong and it is true, I would rather be in the lowest kingdom than be with a God who would hand women out like party prizes to 'righteous men'.
But I can't just stop, I have to go slowly to help my spouse come to terms with the situation, to make the transition easier on him to ultimately (hopefully) save my marriage.
But how am I going to face the Primary kids I am called to serve? My son will be sat in front of me and I will have to lie to his face and I've never lied to him.
I feel ill about it.
Yes! Please, please, please go slow, and don't leave your spouse too far behind where you are. Inform him early, or don't inform him at all and forget all this and try to keep believing. Leaving the church isn't easy, especially when family is involved. TAKE YOUR TIME whatever you do. We're here to talk with whenever you like. We know exactly what you're experiencing right now. We know that ill feeling too.
I have read and studied more about the church this week than I think I have done in my whole time as a member. I can't believe in it, it's just not possible, and even if I am wrong and it is true, I would rather be in the lowest kingdom than be with a God who would hand women out like party prizes to 'righteous men'.
But I can't just stop, I have to go slowly to help my spouse come to terms with the situation, to make the transition easier on him to ultimately (hopefully) save my marriage.
But how am I going to face the Primary kids I am called to serve? My son will be sat in front of me and I will have to lie to his face and I've never lied to him.
I feel ill about it.
[] I had this exact problem. I taught primary and my oldest son was in my class. I couldn't go back and lie to them..to all of them, especially my own son.
I am so sorry you are going through this. I wish I had good answers, but I don't. I would just bring a lot of pages for coloring and play a lot of hangman. Nothing that really indoctrinates them.
Luckily my DH was called to teach with me and he hated that calling so he never wanted to go to church. We just quit going and they ended up realeasing us because we were actually in the process of moving.
maybe approach it from the "this is a story about Jesus, and we can learn such and such from it" rather than "It makes me happy to know that JS and TSM are prophets" kinda stuff
Hi W.B. My hubby and I were the YA advisors of our ward when I finally accepted the truth. When the lesson was about JS - I directed the discussion to the RM's in the group. Eventually I was released - just because our time was up and my hubby was put in the Bishopric. I was asked to 'serve' on the Homemaking committee. Ideal job. See if you can wrangle yourself away from a teaching position and do something that you do not have to testify about TSCC. I am guessing you probable feel like you are not being truthful when you teach. That is a good thing because it means you have integrity and do not want to support something you do not believe.
I have read and studied more about the church this week than I think I have done in my whole time as a member. I can't believe in it, it's just not possible, and even if I am wrong and it is true, I would rather be in the lowest kingdom than be with a God who would hand women out like party prizes to 'righteous men'.
But I can't just stop, I have to go slowly to help my spouse come to terms with the situation, to make the transition easier on him to ultimately (hopefully) save my marriage.
But how am I going to face the Primary kids I am called to serve? My son will be sat in front of me and I will have to lie to his face and I've never lied to him.
I feel ill about it.
I like What JeffRicks mentioned.
I've felt sick too... guilty for seeing truth. (Part of cult-mentality.)
I also taught primary...
I focused on the common, basic beliefs...
(I wrote a list on another post if you're interested.)
If there is a lesson that is too against your beliefs, switch for another lesson, or find one nugget of truth to focus on.
I ended up in a similar situation even after leaving the LDS Church. We went to a Pres church for a while and I got 'called' to teach a month of Sunday School because my kids were in that program.
First week - lesson was on prayer. I sat there and looked at those kids who were listening to every word I was saying. It really made me feel terrible. I didn't end up saying anything I didn't think was true - but I also bent the lesson quite a bit to do so.
When my month was up we left there too and haven't attended any church since, really.
I say just do whatever you need to do to get through right now. We're just one of many in a long line of LDS victims, more will come after us. It's not us that have been lying all along - we are the ones who have been lied to. Use caution and go as slow as you need to.
I've been where you are, a year ago I was figuring out how the heck I could teach trusting 7 year-olds that they needed to be baptized, when I knew it was baloney. And my daughter was in that class!
I know what you mean about feeling sick. It's awful to have your eyes opened and accept that you have been misled. It's like a punch in the gut, then the brain, and then another one in the gut...
But remember, it's not your fault the church isn't true. It wasn't your decision to manipulate the truth; you've probably done an amazing job with those kids, but if it doesn't sit right any more, then ask for a release.
I knew we had a move coming up, so I just showed up to teach my class, and kept it super general ("be nice to people") and we did a lot of coloring. LOL. Then, as luck would have it, the Primary Presidency was released and I was FREE!
Private Message me if you want to talk. It's a rough ride but it's a good one, and if your hubby is at all open-minded, talk to him about it. ((HUGS)) You will survive this.
I agree with those who have advised you to go slowly. But I'd also like to offer some seemingly contradictory counsel: Get out of the primary as fast as you reasonably can.
I taught primary for probably about two years after knowing, or at least strongly suspecting, that the church was not what it claimed. There were times in which I felt truly horrible. The sick feeling will come and go, possibly depending on what the lesson calls for, but it will never go away. Sometimes, it will get much worse.
And while many on this forum suggest the "selective teaching" method of omitting content that you don't personally believe in, I have found it to be ultimately unsustainable. In most cases, you simply cannot leave certain aspects out and still have a cohesive, coherent lesson. (I suppose this might depend on what age group you are teaching, though.) If/When you decide that you don't believe in Christ or even God, just about everything in the manuals becomes really hard to teach.
I'm not saying to demand a release right this moment. But I will say that for the last half of my last year of teaching primary, I kept telling myself, "This week I'll tell the bishop I'm out." And I never did. As autumn came around, I resigned myself to cowardice (and the fact that I really liked my group of kids) and decided to wait until the end of the year. And there were way too many times, both inside and outside the classroom, that I felt the same physical illness that you're now experiencing. There were even a few sharing time lessons that I had to walk out on.
While going slow is extremely important in dealing with family during your disaffection from the church, that doesn't mean you can't drop your primary calling. The two issues are only loosely related. If your husband/bishop knows that you're highly skeptical of the church's teachings, he might appreciate your predicament of teaching impressionable children things that you're questioning. Just assure him that that is your reason -- nothing more, nothing less. It doesn't necessarily have any deeper implications in your family or your disaffection.
Just another "me too" here. I have been exactly where you are at. I was teaching the 13 yo class about the presidents of the church. When I realized I didn't believe any of that I told my wife first, then a couple days later I went in and told the bishop I needed to be released. This was at the very beginning of my realization and turned into a long and good discussion with the bishop. He did the standard challenge to pray and read, but I didn't do it and haven't prayed since. That was 10 months ago. I'm so glad that I got out of that calling, and didn't have to lie anymore. I really like the kids in my class and I feel a great need to be honest with them. There's no way I would tell any of them what I now don't believe, so I quit.
I think I might have done it too fast for my wife though, things have been hard. It's difficult to say whether it would have been better if I had waited longer for each step. ...probably not, now that I think through these events again. At this point I feel great that my mind my own, but terrible that my departure from belief causes so much pain between us.
I think it's getting better though.
Last night the exec sec called and it went something like this:
(see caller id, think uhoh he's either calling to schedule an appt with the bishop or to say a prayer and i know I'm not going to do either)
Hello?
Hi this is bro x, I'd like to ask if you would say the prayer in sm this Sunday?
No, thanks. (cheery voice)
(crickets chirping, longish pause)
Um, ok. Well thanks.... Bye.
Wow! I'm glad I had been rudely released, so I didn't have to ask to be released because of disbelief.
And yet, I thought I could handle the nursery one week when I showed up and they needed a substitute.
NOPE! I took one look at the lesson, and threw the book out the door. LITERALLY! The lesson was supposed to be why we get baptized (or something like that). I JUST COULD NOT tell these sweet nursery kids that they'd be doing things wrong, but that's ok, they'll just get baptized and it'll go away.
So, instead, I talked to the kids about how we show mommy and daddy we love them by doing as they ask.
But, from then on, I turned down all invitations to substitute, at least I'm not being bothered now. Please don't jinx that for me! (It's been 3 years since I've darkened a church doorway)
I taught the 16-17yo sunday school class when I lost my belief. I would skip around lessons to find lessons that I agreed with (like be a good person) and skipped lessons I didn't like. I never testified about JS, the church, scriptures, etc. I didn't lie to them. It did cause me anxiety, though, trying to figure out what I could teach them. I finally couldn't take it anymore and asked to be released. So don't lie to them. You should be able to come up with enough to teach them until you can ask to be released. Or just play a lot of games, go on walks, look at nature. Primary kids love that.
I went through the same thing that you are going through, except that my husband was on board with me. I was the Sunday School teacher of the 14-15 year olds with my daughter in the class. The stories made me sick to my stomach. The one that broke me was "Follow the Prophet" (I think was the title- or close to it). I accidently read the whole chapter, not just the verses listed and it was about a prophet who was teased by some children and called "baldy, baldy". Well, he used his prophet powers and had a mother bear come and kill the children. How do you teach that story? I wouldn't want my kids following a prophet like that. I told the kids the whole chapter, not just what was in the manuel. I told the stories as stories and I told the kids that the bible was written hundreds of years after Jesus lived. There was no way a whale could swallow a man and not have the stomach acids burn his skin and kill him within hours. There was no way a single man could kill 1000 men with the jaw bone of a donkey. I started to open the kids eyes to allow them to see the bible as stories. I didn't tell them I did not believe the church wasn't true. But I taught them that it was ok to question things that didn't sound right. The only problem was that the day I taught about the bear eating the kids was my breaking point. I walked down the hall and handed my manuel to the bishopric counselor and told him he would need to get a replacement. I was not coming back. My husband and I told people we were taking a break. I don't know how it would have gone if my husband wasn't on board with me. I guess you just need to have an open conversion with your spouse and tell him/her what is going on. Hopefully, he/she loves you more than he/she loves the church. I did. Otherwise, just ask to be transferred to nursery.
This thread breaks my heart. Thank you everyone for protecting the impressionable minds of children. If we stop the indoctrination, we stop the Church. Good work everyone!
