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Suicide is more than just ending your own life
 
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Today has been really sobering to me, the first thing that happened when I woke up was that a person who I used to watch videos of and admired greatly, not just because of the quality of his videos but for the genuine kind, and passionate personality that was behind them, had committed suicide the night before.

Justin Carmical, who went by the name Jew Wario online had locked himself in his bathroom and had shot himself. To his fans and everyone around him, there really wasn't any indication that he was suffering from depression or had any intentions of ending his life (although in a video released a while ago he had said there were financial issues). 

I didn't get to talk to him that much, and maybe it seems silly that I've been affected by this so much because of that, he made videos about old Japanese video games, but there was always something about the way he had presented himself, how kind he always was when interacting with fans, and then this clip from a web broadcast that he did:
Jew Wario - You Are Not Stupid

 

From viewing this you can really tell that not only does he actually really mean what he is saying, but that he genuinely understands what it's like to have that voice inside your head consistently telling you that you not only don't matter, but can't do anything right, and everyone hates you for it.

 

Maybe it was depression coupled with the financial issues, maybe a little bit of alcohol in the mix as well, he took his own life. And even though he thought that there wasn't a way out, or that no one really cared about him or his problems, here we all are. Thousands of adoring fans, even some new people that never knew about him wishing that he have his final rest in peace (there are some subhuman filth intentionally making fun of the situation but that's beside the point).


This was a person I had always wanted to meet because he seemed so much like myself, he was genuinely and unconditionally kind to others, enjoyed sharing his passions with the world 

When you commit suicide, regardless of heaven or hell, you hurt and cut yourself off from the people that love you at the present, you cut yourself off from the opportunities to meet new people that love you, you cut yourself off from your passions as they are right now, there isn't a single thing you or anyone else can do to bring you back.

All of the time I hear people talk about how dumb it is to take your own life. It is dumb. There isn't anything smart about it. But when you're in that emotional spiral, it can be extremely difficult to pull yourself out, usually it's the result of years, decades sometimes, of negative self talk, and all the second guessing you can wind up doing to yourself can make you think or do things your rational self would never think capable. 

I've been struggling with suicidal and self defeating thoughts for a very long time now, people in the chatroom are probably more than likely already aware of this. I've been talking with Marshall for at least a year now about them, I've been to the hospital three times because I've almost succumbed to them. People hardly commit suicide after they've evaluated everything, not after considering what they have to lose, never after thinking about what the people who love them will lose, and not what the world will lose. The people who commit suicide are not cowards, what they do is perceive a series of problems that they are sure will kill them.


I might never get the things that I need to be happy. Right now I'm feeling hearbroken because I've been abandoned by two women I loved a lot. I've lost a way of life that I invested twenty years in, and I don't know how I'm supposed to make a career for myself or find out how I'm supposed to make a place for myself in this world where I can not only feel safe, but feel like I'm accepted or belong.

 

But as these thoughts go through my mind on a loop, I forget about who I really am. Not only to myself, but to the people around me. This might seem like some kind of ego-fest but I forget a lot that I have more in common with Justin Carmical than having suffered from depression: I have that same genuine care and kindness that he did, the same passion for games, writing, and other artistic endeavors (hoping to get back into music soon), and I too, like him, would have been sad to see someone so great leave this world.

There's people who love to have me around, there's so many people who would feel profound sadness for years if I left, I would have cut people off from the things that I have to offer this world, and from the other side, there isn't a single thing I could do to change that. I want to be like Justin was and share who I really am with the people in this world, maybe make it a bit of an easier place to live in the process.

Jew Wario - You Are Not Stupid

From one of his last video streams, Justin had adressed someone who was also suffering from depression and negative self talk (same link as earlier):

"You aren't stupid, don't ever tell yourself that you are... What you have in your head might not mean a lot to a lot of people. But it's what makes you special."

 Signature 

The truth split my skull open, a glaring green light washing the lies away. Funny as Hell, it was the most horrible thing I could think of.

 
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TheThomas:

...

 

But as these thoughts go through my mind on a loop, I forget about who I really am. Not only to myself, but to the people around me. This might seem like some kind of ego-fest but I forget a lot that I have more in common with Justin Carmical than having suffered from depression: I have that same genuine care and kindness that he did, the same passion for games, writing, and other artistic endeavors (hoping to get back into music soon), and I too, like him, would have been sad to see someone so great leave this world.

There's people who love to have me around, there's so many people who would feel profound sadness for years if I left, I would have cut people off from the things that I have to offer this world, and from the other side, there isn't a single thing I could do to change that. I want to be like Justin was and share who I really am with the people in this world, maybe make it a bit of an easier place to live in the process.

Jew Wario - You Are Not Stupid

From one of his last video streams, Justin had adressed someone who was also suffering from depression and negative self talk (same link as earlier):

"You aren't stupid, don't ever tell yourself that you are... What you have in your head might not mean a lot to a lot of people. But it's what makes you special."

 

Thank you for sharing your thoughts with us (especially this realization).

 

A very nice tribute to Justin.  I am sorry for your (and others who were touched by him) loss.

 

SG

 
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How very tragic.  Thanks for posting this, I needed that.
 
       
 


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