Moonshine please forgive me but I had to move your story here so that everyone would have a chance to read it and not miss it. To any and all this is the classic postmo story and in this the idea of postmo embodied. We are grateful for what we gained in Mormonism and equally grateful to be free of it's limits.
My story shortened:
For me, Charles Dickens said it best in his book ‘A Tale of Two Cities.' It opens up with "It was the best of times, it was the worst of times, it was the age of wisdom, it was the age of foolishness, it was the epoch of belief, it was the epoch of incredulity, it was the season of Light, it was the season of Darkness, it was the spring of hope, it was the winter of despair, we had everything before us, we had nothing before us, we were all going direct to Heaven, we were all going direct the other way..."
Like many of you, I have spent the last several years trying to make sense out of the most extraordinary experience of my life-my evolution through and beyond traditional Mormon beliefs. The journey for me has been transforming and utterly profound...and yet, from the outside, I remain remarkably, conspicuously unchanged. I must say that migrating out of the church paradigm (both practically and philosophically) has been the most painful, frightening and liberating experience of my life-hence my reference to Dickens. Life is a paradox. Within me lives two ‘tales' of Mormonism.
One tale emphasizes the genuine appreciation I will forever feel for the integrity the church taught me to live by, the emphasis on hard work and sacrifice, higher education and focus on the family. These values are deeply entrenched within my psyche. Oddly, it was that very ‘commitment to integrity' the church instilled that eventually motivated (no...required of me) to quietly separate from the institution that claimed it ‘stood for truth and righteousness.' See, I was really paying attention in sacrament meeting when we sang the hymn ‘choose the right--let the consequence follow.'
The other tale...as it were...includes an acute awareness of the control the church wields in millions of people's lives (ironically while preaching free agency); the guilt it imposes to control the masses; the pervasive gender bias that leaves women with the subtle but painful realization that they are simply ‘not enough;' and the fear and dependence the church fosters in it's faithful members as it teaches we must ‘be ye therefore perfect' or be rejected by the very God who gave us life. What a trip! No wonder Mormons are so heavy-hearted and need to be ‘counseled' by the prophet to lighten up and "be of good cheer."
My experiences with the church-both good and bad--are too many to enumerate, and to this audience, not even all that unique. Suffice it to say, for me, the beginning of the end came while studying church history from the historian's view. Thirty books and buckets of tears later, I came to realize that ‘a church that will not tell the truth simply CANNOT BE TRUE'. The inconsistencies, contradictions, and scandal replete within Mormon history, (which are foundational to the current LDS church doctrine), make it nearly impossible for a thoughtful and informed person to dismiss and disregard. The cognitive dissonance I felt set in motion a chain of events that lead to some painful conclusions. While the church apparently meets many peoples' needs, I just needed the church to be true. I chuckle now as I consider that the church would not be able to pass its own temple recommend interview-- especially with the question "are you honest in all your dealings?"
It's taken several years, but today I am through the pain. At the time, however, it was exquisite. I had never felt more abandoned and betrayed as when I discovered that the church I trusted wasn't telling the truth. It spins and twists and changes the stories about it's roots, it's history and it's leaders, fueling myths to keep people attached, committed, and paying their tithing. Like most institutions, the LDS church is self-serving and looks out, first and foremost, for its own interests.
When I could begin to really grieve, I started to move through the pain. On the other side of pain, however, I could begin to feel the freedom that comes with developing my own ethics, ideas and world view. Like the twin towers of 9/11, my religious beliefs came crashing down; first Mormonism and then Christianity. Both powerful paradigms-but paradigms all the same.
Let me close by saying this. Life is good. I have never loved more people...or felt more personal freedom than I do now. My mind is more open to new ideas and my heart is filled with real humility since growing beyond the traditions of Mormonism. Ultimately, I think the church was right. "Seek the truth and the truth shall set you free"; free from prejudice, free from unnecessary fear, free from neurotic guilt, free from artificial constraints, and freedom to love people without judgment, expectation or qualifiers. It really has been quite a trip.
All I can say is...WOW....I know I couldn't have put it better myself. What a great story...thank you for sharing...I have tears to the truthfulness and how much I can relate to your experience.
Many Hugz!!!!
That the Church would fail its own Temple Recommend(ation) interview, cracked me right up. Right on the money.
Now there's a creative job. Get a Temple Recommend(ation) form and put in the MOrgs name, and stamp a big FAILED across it.
Interesting that Moonshine, like many of us, when finished deconstructing Mormonism, carried on through and dismantled the Myth that is Christianity as well. How many follow that path?
Interesting that Moonshine, like many of us, when finished deconstructing Mormonism, carried on through and dismantled the Myth that is Christianity as well. How many follow that path?
Moonshine please forgive me but I had to move your story here so that everyone would have a chance to read it and not miss it. To any and all this is the classic postmo story and in this the idea of postmo embodied. We are grateful for what we gained in Mormonism and equally grateful to be free of it's limits.
Let me close by saying this. Life is good. I have never loved more people...or felt more personal freedom than I do now. My mind is more open to new ideas and my heart is filled with real humility since growing beyond the traditions of Mormonism. Ultimately, I think the church was right. "Seek the truth and the truth shall set you free"; free from prejudice, free from unnecessary fear, free from neurotic guilt, free from artificial constraints, and freedom to love people without judgment, expectation or qualifiers. It really has been quite a trip.
Welcome Moonshine
ft
Thank you moonshine for posting that, and thanks ft for pointing it for those like me who hadn't noticed.
Moonshine, are you okay with getting your story listed with the other exit stories in our Encyclopedia? I think it needs to be there.
Moonshine, are you okay with getting your story listed with the other exit stories in our Encyclopedia? I think it needs to be there.
Jeff, I am flattered that you enjoyed my story and would like to post it in the enclyclopedia segment of Postmormon. I do want to make a point of clarification. I don't identify with the label 'former mormon.' My religious heritage is a bit like an old and outgrown pair of childhood pajamas (nearly thread bare and tattered)--which lay neatly tucked in the back of my drawer, rich with memories, history, perspective, sentimental attachment...and ocassionally give me pause for real reflection. I did not LEAVE my pajamas but merely out grew them. I cannot throw them away...but it would be ridiculous to wear them and pretend they still fit.
Women may better relate to this phenomenon. Women (in many cultures) inherit our father's last name and are called accordingly until we marry a man (btw I'm not entirely thrilled with this tradition just so you know). Once we marry, we don't cease to be the person we were-- but we grow into a new and more mature identity. When I married, I took my husband's last name but my maiden name became my legal middle name. Hence, my name is growing but I don't/cannot cast off what I was before. It's a little like rings in a tree measuring growth over time. I have a 'mormon ring' that forever tells the story of where I've been.
Even if I were to have my name removed from the records of the church...my mormon identity would stay with me. I am mormon like some folks are Irish. It ties me to my family and helps explain where I came from.
With that said...please feel free to add my story to the rest. No doubt it is a common tale and will perhaps normalize for others what they may be feeling once they realize thier pajamas no longer fit.
Even if I were to have my name removed from the records of the church...my mormon identity would stay with me. I am mormon like some folks are Irish. It ties me to my family and helps explain where I came from.
I started out Catholic. Converted to Mormonism. Now I am non-theist. I cannot imagine ever stepping back to any of the previous steps. I had gone as far as I could as a person in the first two.
I started out Catholic. Converted to Mormonism. Now I am non-theist. I cannot imagine ever stepping back to any of the previous steps. I had gone as far as I could as a person in the first two.
ft
Free thinker: 'Irish' Catholic?
Thanks for appreciating my story and comments. I even got my very own thread!
Even if I were to have my name removed from the records of the church...my mormon identity would stay with me. I am mormon like some folks are Irish. It ties me to my family and helps explain where I came from.
MoonShine, I love this, and it is so true. In many ways I never felt that I was culturally a Mormon because it was not my "faith of origin," I suppose. Culturally, I always felt a little out of place in the Mormon church. I suppose that I continue to this day to feel more Episcopalian, which is the faith in which I was raised. The LDS Church seems to view church membership as a tangible item, and I've never been able to grasp that notion. I don't understand excommunication. How do you take away somebody's identity? What am I missing here? The fact that the LDS Church thrives on membership numbers supports my belief that it is all about numbers - all tangible things. I just don't get it. Never did.
Defntly u good reed! (Can you hear my Irish accent?)
I really appreciate how concisely you present the moral irony, being taught to stand for truth and righteousness by an institution that lacks honesty and integrity at its very foundation.
Yesterday I listened to a Grant Palmer radio interview (recorded) that discussed the disciplinary court scheduled to take place. I was struck when he said "I don't know how to repent from the truth."
Can't wait to read your first novel. Or, maybe you've already published one?
Yesterday I listened to a Grant Palmer radio interview (recorded) that discussed the disciplinary court scheduled to take place. I was struck when he said "I don't know how to repent from the truth."
It is my understanding that his court lasted six hours. That says something but I am not sure what.
Even if I were to have my name removed from the records of the church...my mormon identity would stay with me. I am mormon like some folks are Irish. It ties me to my family and helps explain where I came from.
MoonShine, I love this, and it is so true. In many ways I never felt that I was culturally a Mormon because it was not my "faith of origin," I suppose. Culturally, I always felt a little out of place in the Mormon church.
mama
mama-P-jama,
I was the same way. Being a convert, and having been raised by only moderately religious parents, I never connected with the culture of Mormonism. Subsequently, it was ONLY the tangible aspects of the church that kept me in, most notably the gospel and it's attendant threats and promises. Once those collapsed (a little study 'll do that ), walking away from the culture was the easiest thing to do. Had I come from pioneer stock, with ancestors who lost a foot or something in the Wiley and Martin Handcart companies, then I suspect I would feel just as Moonshine does.
Even if I were to have my name removed from the records of the church...my mormon identity would stay with me. I am mormon like some folks are Irish. It ties me to my family and helps explain where I came from.
MoonShine, I love this, and it is so true. In many ways I never felt that I was culturally a Mormon because it was not my "faith of origin," I suppose. Culturally, I always felt a little out of place in the Mormon church.
mama
mama-P-jama,
I was the same way. Being a convert, and having been raised by only moderately religious parents, I never connected with the culture of Mormonism. Subsequently, it was ONLY the tangible aspects of the church that kept me in, most notably the gospel and it's attendant threats and promises. Once those collapsed (a little study 'll do that ), walking away from the culture was the easiest thing to do. Had I come from pioneer stock, with ancestors who lost a foot or something in the Wiley and Martin Handcart companies, then I suspect I would feel just as Moonshine does.
I was a convert too, it's a little harder for me since we're surrounded by mormon neighbors and family. But I feel I have a lot easier than some people I know. I know a lot of the people I love are still involved in the church for fear of disownment. But I just couldn't imagine trying to live a life that you don't believe in, in order to keep someone else happy. That makes me sad. :(
