Why I am a Better Mother
(Now That I’m Not a Mormon)
By Laraine Sands
 
F
or many of us who leave the LDS church, the effect it will have on our children is a major concern. I have two sons and two daughters, now ages 16-24. The church teaches the importance of family and “family values” so loudly that it is easy to feel that we will be less effective as parents if we are not Mormons. I started my journey out of the church six years ago, and have been completely “out” for the last three, so I have had some time to think about this situation and the changes I have made as a result of leaving the church. Not all of my children understand or appreciate the changes I’ve made---but I have hope that someday they all will.

1. I can accept and value my children for who they really are, not who I want or need them to be. They can live their lives according to what they want, not according to someone else’s one-size-fits-all “divine plan.”

2. I can teach my children to have confidence in themselves and their own thoughts, feelings, desires, and ideas---that they are inherently good and they can trust themselves.

3. I can encourage my children to follow their own inner voice and do what is right for them.

4. I can really listen to them without trying to convince them that my ideas---or any other “authority’s”---are right, and I can offer them guidance because I have listened.

5. I can model for my children the thoughtful development of my own understanding of God and a moral code, and encourage them to do the same.

6. I can allow them to make their own choices and decisions---and also allow them to take the responsibility for them.
 
7. I can allow them to make mistakes without shaming them for them. I can discuss the choices they have made, their results, and the reasons they may want to make a different choice in the future.

8. I don’t have to feel shame about the mistakes my children make---or worry about what others’ will think of me.

9. I can openly discuss sexuality with my children and talk about how to responsibly and joyfully express this essential element of their humanity—with emphasis on the joy.

10. I can spend more relaxed time with my children doing things we all enjoy because I’m not rushing off to meetings, stressed out over my church calling, or trying to force them to go to church.

11. I can teach my children to value the inherent dignity and worth of every human being, regardless of their race, religion, gender, or choice of partner.

12. I can give my children an example of a strong, independent, woman who owns her personal authority and is learning to express her individuality, and who supports them in doing the same.

13. I can enjoy my children for the unique, marvelous human beings they are, with reverence and gratitude for the opportunity to be their mother.


The author can be reached at:
Copyright 2006 Post-Mormon Community

 

Comments:

Thanks you so much for this article!  You touch on points I’ve felt in my heart but didn’t know how to put into words.  My 17 year old son is really struggling with my husband and I leaving the church.  I understand his confusion, and my hope is that one day he will see the truth for himself and understand us. 

Thanks again—I needed these reminders smile

Posted by AnnieK  on  04/13  at  11:58 AM

Thank you!  I needed this reminder that I am the MOTHER and my teachings/examples will be the BEST influence on my children. I don’t have to live my life or direct my children to worry about “what the neighbors will think”...THANK YOU!  HUGZ!
Crissy

Posted by Crissy  on  04/13  at  11:50 PM

I loved this article!  I am a new mother, just leaving the church.  It scares me to think about raising my kids, but I’m also really excited that I get to do it my way.

Posted by Monama  on  07/08  at  10:14 PM

Thanks for this post.  It helps to know other moms have the same concerns I do.

Posted by Faeflyta  on  07/09  at  03:12 PM

Could you not do all of this as a member of the church?  I don’t see why not.

Posted by batman25  on  07/19  at  02:11 PM

Batman25, the answer is, no, you can’t, while still doing what the Church expects of its members. In particular consider #1, #3, #4, #5, #10, and #11 from the article.

Posted by Jeff Ricks  on  07/19  at  04:16 PM

I disagree.  Some of the components are a little vague and I don’t completely understand what the author means by them, but it definitely is apparent to me that most of these could still be done while being a member of the church.  Of course we are all entitled to our own opinion.

Posted by batman25  on  07/19  at  05:45 PM

Batman25, it’s eas to talk in generalities. Please be specific. Which statements are you calling vague?

Posted by Jeff Ricks  on  07/20  at  12:13 PM

I think Batman25, if you see people in the church as the same (you know, it worked for me so it must work for you)-you could be right. But personal experience with my wife tells me otherwise. In a beautiful way she is more of a free spirit type but I know she felt silently shackled by some church teachings which had no other expectations for her beyond being a wife and mother-thats all she was meant to be, but her true talents and individuality I believe was stifled she became a wife and mum before she was really ready this has not been good for her emotionally consequently she has been hell to live with at times. We dont go to church, were still together, and though she still yearns for some church things she too believes she is a better mother and person and shes generally much happier. I hope she never goes back to church apart from the socialisation etc, etc -what did it really do for for her as an individual? It kept her from knowing her authentic self

Posted by TEAMO  on  09/16  at  10:02 PM

This was a perspective that
I wish that I had many years
ago when raising my family.

As it is right now, I try hard just to realize that
after they have grown up, that I am not totally
accountable for all of their
decision making..I can at
least say they have minds of
their own..thank you.

Posted by My Turn  on  09/17  at  05:36 PM

You can do the same thing while being an “active” member, too.  Either way there should be no shame in that.

Posted by Miss Onary  on  12/29  at  06:51 PM

Batman is right, you COULD do these things while in the church...BUT most of us prefer not to live a lie.

Posted by AZ_RM  on  05/05  at  02:06 PM

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