SALT LAKE CITY – H. Kimball Young of the Church Correlation Committee recently announced a more efficient version of the Old and New Testaments for use by Church members. 

“The Bible as we know it has many plain and precious truths left out of it,” Young said, “but it also has a ton of stuff left in it that nobody ever uses.  All we’ve done is clear out the clutter.”

The new version of the Bible is correlated to the Gospel Doctrine Sunday School Manuals, as well as manuals used in the Church Education System.  While Church members will recognize the pure voice of the King James Version with which they are familiar, they’ll also find the verses that are never referred to in any sanctioned LDS class have all been removed.

Concerned over declining attendance numbers at the Mesa, Arizona Temple, Temple President Kimball W. Mays announced a new promotional effort this week that he hopes will dramatically increase the numbers of the faithful coming through the doors of one of the church’s oldest temples.

After attending a Phoenix Desert Dogs baseball game last October, President Mays was struck with a moment of inspiration.  “Actually, I was struck by one of the 5000 bats they handed out at ‘Bat Night’,” said Mays.  A common promotional technique for getting fans to the baseball stadium, Mays is convinced the same concept could work at his Temple.  “Fans were lined up for two hours hoping for one of those mini bats with the Desert Dogs logo emblazoned on it.  And that’s when a still small voiced whispered to me, ‘temple attendees want hats.  And hot dogs.’ Who am I to second guess the Holy Ghost on matters of marketing?”

SALT LAKE CITY, UT- In response to a humble inquiry of the Lord, church spokesman David Kosher announced that the First Presidency of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints has issued a statement allowing the baptism and confirmation of “our canine brothers and sisters.” This announcement follows hard on the heels of the news just last week that President Hinckley’s longtime friend and comforter, Spot had been called home to his Heavenly Father.  “We know there is good in them,” he announced to a hushed room full of LDS dog lovers. “We know God has a special place prepared for them.”

The new revelation is to be included in the Doctrine and Covenants as Declaration –1, and is expected to bolster temple attendance to shocking new highs.  Dog lovers of all kinds will be able to bring their living pets into the holiest of all places and have them baptized for the dogs that have gone on before. 

SODA SPRINGS, ID—Local Laurel Advisor Judy Comstock of the Soda Springs 5th Ward says she’s tired of hearing the complaints by angry young women and their parents after an object lesson she used in her Laurel lesson apparently fell flat. 

“It’s a real challenge to keep these girls interested in the lesson,” complained Comstock when asked about the object lesson gone awry.  “Especially when it comes to chastity, it’s not like these girls haven’t heard it all before.  They’ve seen the rose with all the petals pulled off.  They’ve seen the bread with the butter licked off.  They’ve seen the nail pounded in a board.  I thought the hankie idea was a fresh, new way to make an old point.”

Brother Wesson, High Priest in the Squirrel, Idaho 2nd Ward, finds inspiration from the Blue Collar Comedy, and shares some important insight with regard to his Stake.  A carry-over from the Sugar Beet, he generally offends someone...

Now what with the spuds all put up, the hay all cut, the horses put away and whatnot, ole’ Rulon finds a tad more time on his hands than Sister Wesson cares for.  She’s always chasin’ me out the house after I make helpful household cleaning suggestions, like tryin’ to clean the axle grease I just tracked in with a little WD-40 and peanut butter.  She just glares at me and I know it’s time to high-tail it out to the barn with the mares!

So that’s why I put a old couch out there, a space heater and a bran’ spankin’ new big screen plasma what she don’t even know about, seein’ as she ain’t never stepped foot out in my barn since the time old Chester, my Appaloosa stud, took a shinning to her.  Anyway, that’s when I happened to watch Jeff Foxworthy on Blue Collar Comedy--you ever seen that guy?  Funniest dam--er, darn guy you’re gonna hear, but who’s not gonna burn your ears off.  He got to talkin’ ‘bout some of his relatives, and suddenly, I had this blinding flash of inspiration, and had to sit down and rest for a spell, so overcome was I by the spirit.

The Peep Stone is accepting unsolicited submissions for publication in the Post-Mormon online Magazine.  We are looking for humorous, satirical and creative pieces (including cartoons) that comment on the culture of Mormonism, religion in general, or the Post-Mormon community.  We are not interested in abusive or vulgar pieces, and will only publish well-conceived, insightful and humorous works.  It is not our intent to belittle or malign either the Mormon Church or its leaders, (or any other Church) and individuals mentioned in written works should generally be fictitious, although on occasion real public figures may be used if doing so genuinely furthers the creative quality of the piece.  You may submit your work to the Peep Stone editor at in the body of an e-mail or as a Word attachment.  Other formats cannot be accepted.  All work submitted must be the original work of the submitter, and must not be encumbered by other publishing or legal obligations with other magazines.

Beginning January 2, 2005, the on-line magazine at PostMormon.org will include a new feature entitled, “The Peep Stone!  Light Post-Mormon Satire.” Intended to be a humorous look at the culture we loved and left, Peep Stone hopes to become both entertaining and interactive, giving readers an opportunity to submit their best humor for publication (subject to certain rules and guidelines).  It is our goal to provide fresh, sometimes edgy, sometimes annoying, but always funny material touching on current and past events peculiar to the peculiar people of Utah and beyond, including those of us here in the Post-Mormon Community.