SALT LAKE CITY, UT—As the end times draw near, it would appear that more and more Saints are observing the commandments, resulting in unprecedented levels of blessings bestowed.  Current levels have eclipsed the records set during the early Nauvoo days, and have many Church observers speculating that the Millennium is “nigh at hand.”

Reports of answered prayers include finding lost keys, weather changes, being called to prominent positions in the Church, and winning $10 in scratch-ticket lottery games in Idaho. 

But in many cases, the Saints are reporting an overabundance of godly gifts, resulting in numerous injuries and in at least two confirmed cases, death by blessings.  Says Richard L. Butler from the Church Emergency Services Office, “people have got to consider that the Lord is bound by His promise to heap the rewards of righteousness upon the heads of the faithful.  He takes that promise seriously, and righteous people would be wise to consider the possible consequences when supplicating the Lord in faith.”

In at least thirteen cases in Utah County and two in Salt Lake County, blessings have left recipients seriously injured.  In most incidents, benevolent bounties fall from the sky, causing everything from bruising, broken bones, severe concussions, and crushing by a grand piano.  In three cases, lordly lavishments kept piling up, nearly causing asphyxiation to the grantees.  Two recipients were fatally wounded when blessings from Heaven completely blindsided them.

President Lewis L. Perry of the North Logan Stake recalls his own recent brush with death-by-blessing.  “I had prayed for a new 52” Plasma Screen TV.  After attending the temple five times last month, I guess the Lord found me worthy, because a new Panasonic just fell from the sky and landed on my foot.” 

Robert Lorry, recipient of a new Hummer H3 wasn’t so lucky, and is still in a coma at a Provo hospital after being pinned for nearly an hour beneath his divinely bequeathed SUV.  Still, Brother Lorry is alive, unlike Sister Brood, who died of a heart attack after praying to see her son again.  Her oldest son had passed away five years previously, and she has been reunited with him shortly after her faithful prayer. 

“Two for the price of one,” commented her husband.  “My wife’s prayer was answered, and frankly, so was mine.”

Enterprising entrepreneurs in Salt Lake County are reaping a few blessings of their own, selling specialized protective gear at high profits.

One sign in a shop near Temple Square declares, “When you store up those treasures in Heaven, protect yourself with Helamon(tm) Hard Hats!”

Businesses like Sacred Safety may help defend against future casualties, yet those who are already injured now fight for insurance benefits.  Victims of the Lord’s generosity struggle to pay mounting medical bills, while insurance companies continue to deny claims based on “Acts of God”.

Governor Jon Huntsman has indicated that if the death toll keeps rising, his office will be forced to declare a state of emergency.