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SALT LAKE CITY, UT—An apparent typographical error has resulted in a popular entertainer being declared a “violation of the spirit of the Word of Wisdom.” President Gordon B. Hinckley, in a recent edition of Liahona, wrote that:
“My beloved brothers and sisters. Insomuch as the Word of Wisdom counsels us against the use of coffee, tea, and alcohol, it is also clearly within the spirit of maintaining a healthy ‘Temple of the Lord’ that The Saints must also avoid overeating. For this reason, the Lord hereby admonishes you to avoid buffetts, lest you be led by wickedness and pride down the spiraling path to obesity. President Monson, I hope you’re reading this.”
 The misspelling of “buffets” to “buffetts” immediately caused a backlash from faithful Church members against popular musical artist Jimmy Buffett. “He’s apparently less a ‘son of a son of a sailor’ than he is a son of perdition,” said Provo resident L. Anderson Kimball, “or he wouldn’t have been specifically mentioned by the Prophet.”
When contacted for a clarification, President Hinckley’s Press Secretary responded, “When the Prophet speaks, the thinking has been done. No retractions shall be forthcoming. His word is infallible, as is his spelling.”
Area Saints were quick to fall in line behind their leader. An anti-Buffett demonstration on the BYU campus ended with students burning hundreds of the singer’s CDs and tapes while chanting “Why Don’t We Get The Spirit and Pray?” a take off on Buffett’s popular “Why Don’t We Get Drunk and ____ (a popular 4-letter word meaning ‘fornicate.’ )” After which, the students disbanded to the Godfather’s Pizza for the All-You-Can-Eat lunch buffet.
Stake President H. Harold Young of the Draper Utah Stake, while waiting for his third trip through the line at Chuck-A-Rama, said “I always thought that Buffett was too unsavory for our members, and have often counseled against partaking of his music. See? The Spirit speaks to me, too!”
Area businesses are said to be taking action. The Golden Corral has specifically stricken any Buffett songs from their Muzak lineup. “Without our Mormon clientele, we’re nothing,” said Bob Norris, Assistant day manager for the West Valley Golden Corral. “We cannot afford to offend them with something that explicitly violates the words of the prophet. Now if you’ll excuse me, I see we’re running low on bread pudding and gravy.”
Most Bishops have already begun asking temple recommend applicants about their usage of Buffett music and products. Said Bishop G. Oliver Whitmer of the Murray 375th Ward, “If Margaritaville is in your life in any way, then you get no recommend. Stick with Primary songs, and you’ll be all right. Or Disney music. It’s perky, and I like it, and the prophet has not prohibited its consumption.”
Buffett, whose popular music includes such unsavory topics as alcohol, overeating, sex, and even marijuana, could not be reached for comment.
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