SALT LAKE CITY, UT—In a surprise legislative action, the State of Utah enacted several new measures designed to promote adherence to the Mormon Word of Wisdom and to, “encourage healthful choices for all Utah families,” said Senator Gayleen K. Eichman (R) of Orem.

Among the legislative actions approved last week, all forms of meat, including chicken and fish, will be removed from every store in Utah, and shipped to grocery stores out of state.

“To prevent families from breaking the Word of Wisdom, beef, pork, chicken, and seafood will only be available to Utahns in the winter,” said Senator Eichman.  “Winter is defined in the legislation as November 1 through March 21.”  The Senator was quick to assure her constituency that meat would also be available, “during times of famine.” 

Non-Mormons or the unfaithful residing in Utah will be advised to “fulfill their meat-eating needs outside our fair state.”  Transporting meat out of season across the Utah state line will result in fines for first offenders, and repeat offenders will be required to relocate out of state at their own expense.  “They’ll be allowed to remove their material possessions,” says Eichman, “but all foodstuffs must remain behind and will be confiscated by the State.”

Critics of the bill are concerned about the unforeseen impacts that the law could have.  Says LaVina Monson, Relief Society President of the Salt Lake East 98th Ward, “This new seasonal prohibition will by definition include jello and other forms of gelatin products because gelatin is made from the bones of animals.  This will have an enormous impact on a culture built on the concept of pot-luck.”  She hopes to encourage an amendment to the law that exempts such products, “so long as the animals were slaughtered during the winter months.”

The bill, called the Word of Wisdom Act of 2005 (WOWA), was co-sponsored by an unlikely pair of bed-fellows: lobbyists for the People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals (PETA) as well as the Presiding Bishopric of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. The bill becomes a law effective April 1, 2005.

Another legislative action in the WOW Act requires scales to be placed near front entrances to restaurants, grocery stores, and any other retail establishment where food items can be purchased. Customers cannot enter those establishments until their weight and Body Mass Index (BMI) are calculated, thereby establishing the customer’s relative obesity and determining which products that customer can lawfully purchase under the WOWA.

For example, customers deemed 10-20 percent overweight will be required to wear a red armband at all times while inside the store.  Any customer wearing a red arm band will be prohibited from purchasing any food item containing more than 10 grams of fat per serving, or more than 10 grams of sugar per serving, or more than 20 grams of carbohydrates per serving. The law does not apply to whole grains, fresh fruits or any herb in season, which are all to be purchased with prudence and thanksgiving. Vegetables are subject to the nutrition limits above, since they are not clearly detailed in the Word of Wisdom.

“The intent is to promote healthy diet choices in order to encourage strong and healthy saints. Sickly saints can’t very well run and not be weary, nor walk and not be faint,” said M. Orin Schwartz, spokesman for the Office of Presiding Bishop.  “We will need our strength and health as the Second Coming nears.”

Greater restrictions will be imposed on shoppers/diners whose BMI exceeds 30, including mandatory gym membership for the obese.  Local authorities will work with the LDS church’s Home Teaching and Visiting Teaching programs to “visit” homes of those on obesity lists to monitor their progress and ensure compliance with the laws. Church officials have not yet said if Home Teachers will be deputized for the responsibility, though insiders have suggested that it is, “a strong possibility.”

The most hotly contested action in the new WOW Act appears to ban both hot soup and all chocolate products in addition to meat.  Critics are concerned that this action will cause soup kitchens for homeless people to close their doors, and Girl Scouts will only be allowed to sell non-chocolate cookies during their annual cookie sales events.

“As long as the soup kitchens serve their soup in bowls with spoons, it will be defined as a hot food, not a hot beverage,” insists Senator Eichman.  “Keep it out of cups and mugs!  As for chocolate, all I can say is the 89th Section wasn’t my revelation, it was God’s.  We will comply as a people.” 

“Even though caffeine was not specifically mentioned in the Word of Wisdom, it has long been known by the modern prophet’s that the original intent was to wean the Saints from this evil psychoactive substance,” said Elder Schwartz. “Bishops and Stake leaders will be asking far more specific and detailed questions for temple and patriarchal blessing interviews, I can assure you.”

Because chocolate contains caffeine, sisters will have to bake oatmeal cookies instead of chocolate chip. All wedding cakes must be vanilla. Girl Scouts caught trying to sell cookies containing chocolate will have their troop assets seized.