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SALT LAKE CITY, UT—The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day SaintsTM announced in a press release last week that they are seeking corporate sponsorship for several icons of the 12 million member Church in an effort to off-set recent losses in the stock market. According to the announcement, the Church is looking for “wholesome, American, family-oriented organizations” whose name recognition alone would bring added credibility and notoriety to the landmarks that bear their names.
 “We may be lead by apostles and prophets,” notes Armand L. Rippey, spokesman for the Office of the Presiding Bishopric, “but they aren’t fortune tellers. Subsequently, our portfolio just hasn’t performed as well as we needed it to in order to maintain our rigorous growth, and we were looking for creative solutions.” Rippey indicated it was then that Salt Lake car dealer and owner of the Utah Jazz, Larry Miller, offered to buy the Mormon Tabernacle Choir. “It was an answer to our prayers,” says Rippey, “even though it’s hard to remember to call them the Larry H. Miller Tabernacle Choir.”
That, of course, could change if the Huntsman Chemical Corporation is successful in negotiating a sponsorship of the old Tabernacle itself. “I guess then we call it the Larry H. Miller Huntsman Chemical Choir,” says Rippey. “It’s admittedly awkward, but if it means running the operation at a fraction of the overhead for the Lord’s Church, then it’s a small sacrifice to make.”
Also under consideration is a proposal from former San Francisco quarterback, Steve Young, to purchase outright the Lavell Edwards Stadium at BYU. “Bottom line is, Lavell was a great guy, but his name just doesn’t have the same brand recognition outside of Mormon circles as Steve Young. You gotta go with the bigger player in a game like this,” says Rippey. Church lawyers are said to be reviewing the deal, and expect to wrap it up shortly, despite protests from the Edwards family. “If Lavell can match Young’s $350 million, then we’re listening.”
The Church clearly lays out its objective of blending the secular with the spiritual with this initiative, and this first move only represents Phase 1. “All things are spiritual,” notes Rippey, “even big business. What we’re doing is merging the power of Church authority with corporate brand recognition to create a team that breaks new ground. In the words of Stephen R. Covey, new owner of the 7 Habits of Highly Effective Missionaries Training Center in Provo, it’s a win/win.” Rippey hinted that the idea came from the current Bush Whitehouse, where the boundary between the spiritual and the secular has been getting fuzzier for years. “We like where that’s headed,” he said.
The press release noted that Phase 2 of this bold initiative will be to begin placing the name brand of the Church on public buildings as soon as 2007. “Imagine, if you will, the glory of seeing ‘The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints Capital Building’ here in Salt Lake City!” Says Rippey, “One day, you might just see something as miraculous as the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints Supreme Court in Washington D.C. That’s our vision, anyway.”
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