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SALT LAKE CITY, UT—The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints announced this week its intention to implement a new system for codifying its ballooning body of laws, standards and requirements. Patterned after a similar system used by the US Federal Government, the regulations will be canonized as the Code of True Regulations, or CTRs.
According to the press release, the Church recognizes that it’s becoming increasingly difficult to glean the necessary messages for modern living from the ancient scriptures. “For instance, how are you going to figure out the prohibition against multiple ear rings from reading the D&C?” points out Elder B. Lynn Groelinger, 2nd Counselor in the 27th Quorum of Seventy. “Worse, how many people remember that it’s scriptural, by virtue of prophetic utterance, to raise a vegetable garden, or keep a journal? We’re so caught up in the pornography problem of today that we’ve forgotten some of the old rules,” he notes.
The recently adopted system is designed to assist members and leaders alike in keeping their commandment-keeping lives organized. Bishops in particular are thrilled with the heightened sense of authority that comes with this new system.
“Now when I deny a temple recommend to a sister because she admits to enjoying oral sex, I can cite the CTR reference,” says Bishop Randy L. Morton of the Sandy 45th Ward. “25 CTR Part 719.4(b) states very clearly, ‘oral is NOT moral, whether for young singles, adult singles or married couples. Thou simply shalt not! Ick!’ What could be clearer than that?”
Mormon leaders have long declared the need for greater clarity in the laws of the Church. Since the day that founder Joseph Smith declared, “We teach people correct principles and let them govern themselves,” Church members have proven themselves completely unreliable in implementing that teaching, managing to rationalize everything from espresso drinks to extramarital relations with your wife’s Visiting Teacher.
“The principles of correctness are often mistaken to be broad,” says BYU Law Professor, Myron L. Potswacker. “In fact, nothing could be further from the Church. The modern prophets have been very clear in how we should live our lives, and those principles should be followed to the tiniest jot and tittle.” According to Potswacker, the new CTRs carry the “force of law” in the Church, and failure to comply will result in punitive action.
It’s no coincidence that CTR is also the famous LDS acronym for “Choose The Right.” Says Elder Groelinger, “Now we can make our meaning clear. Choose the Right or suffer the consequences.”
Although for now, members will be allowed to continue reading the Standard Works (Bible, Book of Mormon, Doctrine and Covenants and Pearl of Great Price), it is anticipated that in time, the Church will be weaned from those books and learn to rely solely on the CTRs. “The only reason we read the scriptures anyway is so we know what we’re supposed to do,” says Professor Potswacker. “The problem was, they have always been too ambiguous. This new system eliminates that ambiguity. There should be no more straying from the Iron Rod, which is just as Heavenly Father would want it.”
The 54 Volume set should be available for purchase by the general membership in time for Christmas. The paper “Missionary” copies will retail for $519, while the nicer, leather-bound versions will sell for $1099, slightly more if you have your name embossed on the cover of each volume. “No price is too high to ensure your eternal salvation,” says Elder Groelinger. Deseret Book plans to market several styles of large Pullman suitcases for transporting full sets of CTRs to Church.
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