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 SALT LAKE CITY—Officials at Zions National Bank apologized to leaders of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints yesterday for a computer error that bounced a Church check. According to a written statement read by Abraham Young, Executive Vice President of Zions, the check for “$1.78 billion, written for the purchase of three downtown city blocks and all the associated buildings and businesses was clear, backed by the full faith and credit of the Celestial Kingdom. That check should have never bounced.”
According to bank officials, their computer is not accustomed to checks that large, and their system automatically rejected the transaction.
“Once we saw that the check was signed by Gordon B. Hinkley and countersigned by God, we realized the magnitude of our error,” said Young. “The account had more than enough funds to cover this check. We sincerely apologize, and we have credited back the $15 service fee.”
As a result of this error, bank officials have announced a special designation for future Church transactions. “A review of their account and financial holdings has satisfied us that there is not a financial transaction in the world for which they are short of funds. From now on, God and His Church have carte blanche. They can purchase whatever they want, and Zions will happily ensure that the funds are available. And in return, Bank President O. Michael Anderson asks that the boils be removed, and his family restored from their smitten state.”
President Hinkley is reportedly “pleased” with Zions efforts, and has placed a hold on his plans to beseech God in sending a plague of locusts upon all Zions branches.
In a related story, the Church is reported to have sent representatives from the Office of the Presiding Bishopric to inquire into a “sizeable land deal, including mineral rights” in Saudi Arabia.
“Let’s just say we are sending them over with our Zions debit card,” said M. Leon Smith, Church spokesman.
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