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 Mormon apologists have struggled for years to respond to mounting scientific evidence that suggests that the Book of Mormon is not a historical document. Until now. Last week, the Foundation for Ancient Research and Mormons Studies (FARMS) announced in their Journal of Excellent Mormon Evidence Proving We’re Right, a remarkable discovery that promises to revolutionize LDS research establishing the historicity of the Book of Mormon. We talked with three FARMS researchers, including principle author of the new Theory of Everything, Dr. Mark N. Tanner, about this latest discovery.
“Critics confronted us with horses and we told them they were llamas; they waved elephants in our faces, and we said they’re tapirs,” said Dr. Tanner, a senior researcher at FARMS in the Department of Mesoamerican Irrefutable Proof. “Admittedly, they were unsatisfactory explanations on the face of it. People weren’t completely satisfied, but we felt guided by the spirit, and knew we were on the right path.”
According to Tanner, it was the apostate author and researcher, Simon Southerton and his book, “Losing a Lost Tribe: Native Americans, DNA and the Book of Mormon,” that was the catalyst for bringing to light the solution to the problem. “Thank goodness for our critics,” smiles Tanner, “they are often our best source of inspiration!”
Dr. Bryce L. Cannon-Peterson, head of the FARMS Department of Really Tough BoM Stuff, admits that the DNA issue, “did seem, well, really tough at first,” but notes that the faithful and determined researchers put their shoulders to the wheel and their brains on the uneven bars, and eventually their work paid off. “We realized that God changes the blood of the convert to become blood of the House of Israel, so it occurred to us that God could, and no doubt did, change the DNA of the Lamanites,” explained Cannon-Peterson.
Though he can’t recall who first spawned the theory of Divine Genetic Transmogriphication, it has become the standard response at FARMS to the diminishing DNA issue. “Now that we know Southerton was both an apostate and a sinner, his book has been utterly discredited, and most of the DNA whiners have simply skulked away.”
That might have been the end of the story, but for Dr. Tanner, who happened to be researching an unrelated issue. “I was responding to one of those anti-Mormons, who was once again raising that tired issue that the BoM is allegedly filled with text lifted directly out of the King James Version of the bible,” says Tanner. “This particular idiot assumed we’d never noticed that Mosiah 3:5 used virtually the same language as Revelations 19:6.”
“So there I was, writing up my response,” continued Tanner, reading from his notes. “These scripture passages are not the same. Mosiah says ‘the Lord Omnipotent who reigneth,’ and Revelations says, ‘the Lord God Omnipotent reigneth.’ Totally different.” It was at that point, according to Tanner, that the answer, “hit me like a ton of bricks—or more like a still small voice. Regardless, there it was—God is Omnipotent! That means He can do whatever He pleases! Not just DNA changes—anything!”
Tanner said that in his excitement, he grabbed his colleague, Russell R. Smith, and together they literally ran down the hall to Cannon-Peterson’s office.
“Mark was very excited,” recounts Smith, “as well he should be. It was a fantastic discovery. To think, we had this little gem under our noses all along and had not recognized its value or potential. Why were we arguing that llamas were ‘mistaken’ for horses? God is omnipotent. He could actually turn horses into llamas! He could turn elephants into tapirs! We had been limiting God’s power to simply changing DNA and blood, but this blows the lid off all the anti-Mormon arguments.”
To prove his already obvious point, Tanner ticked off the following points:
“Lack of archeological evidence of Nephite cities? Omnipotent God destroyed it! Hill Cumorah in the wrong place? Omnipotent God moved it! No steel or brass can be found? Omnipotent God vaporized it!”
“And we’ve only just begun scratching the surface,” smiled Smith, sharing Tanner’s enthusiasm.
However, the success of this new discovery has been a mixed blessing for the staff at FARMS. Questions that used to take months and years to research, as well as thousands of dollars in private grants and Church funding, are now answered almost immediately. With the new Theory of Everything covering every conceivable BoM question, the need for several FARMS departments virtually disappears.
“While we acknowledge that the simplicity and elegance of the Theory of Everything proves it is correct, we regret that such a final discovery brings to a close much of the work for which FARMS was first established,” said Cannon-Peterson in a recent letter to his staff. Subsequently, most FARMS BoM specialists will soon be looking for other work. “It is a sign of end times. All things are coming to light.”
“Some of my people will move over to the Book of Abraham Division,” said Cannon-Peterson while cleaning out his own desk, “but there is already talk that this theory might have application there as well. I don’t know that we teach this yet, but I suppose it’s possible that an Omnipotent God also turned the real Book of Abraham papyrus into an ordinary funeral text. He created the world in 7 days, how hard can some paper scrolls be?”
Despite the impact of this discovery on FARMS, the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints does not expect to make any changes to doctrine or teaching materials. “We already knew the Church was true,” says Elder Boyd K. Packer, Acting President of the Quorum of Twelve Apostles. “All they’ve done is demonstrate that the mantle is far, far greater than the intellect. I could have told them that, and spared them years of so-called scientific inquiry.”
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