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LOGAN, UT—Recent convert and Utah State graduate student Oshi Matumi learned last Saturday night that the food eaten by the men of Zion’s Camp is not a Mormon delicacy. Having recently taken an Institute class on Church history, Matumi learned that the men of Zion’s Camp ate, “coarse bread, rancid butter, cornmeal mush, strong honey, raw pork, rotten ham and maggot-infested bacon and cheese.” Brother Matumi explained that, “We eat many traditional things in Asia that you American’s think is, how you say, gross, like raw fish, sea cucumbers, and insects. When I read about Zion’s Camp I figured that was also traditional Mormon food.”
Matumi’s lapse in judgment occurred when he decided to host a General Conference dinner for his Family Home Evening group from the University 8th Singles Ward. “It was hard waiting for the ham to rot and the butter to spoil,” said Matumi, “but I worried that the maggots would never infest the cheese.” According to Matumi, he discovered the maggots just the day before the dinner was scheduled, so he was much relieved. “You don’t just run to Albertson’s and buy that kind of thing!” he pointed out.
The evening took an unfortunate turn when several of the guests, who were woefully unfamiliar with both the trials of Zion’s camp and traditional Asian dishes, assumed that Matumi’s fare was a delicacy from his homeland. Afraid to offend him, and especially mindful of the Samurai swords hanging in his apartment, several guests attempted to eat what they were served.
“It had been blessed to strengthen and nourish our bodies,” recalled Blayne Michelson upon his return from the hospital. “I figured it had to be safe.”
Most of the young women from the group only sipped the orange soda and nibbled a cookie, and all felt fine. The brethren, on the other hand, having a more competitive spirit, not only ate, but then attended the Priesthood session of conference afterward. It was then that the most undesirable affects of eating rotten food were made manifest in the lives of all six of them, Matumi included.
“At first I thought it was the spirit that was causing me to feel guilty about having recently registered on an online poker site,” confessed Jarod Stickle. “Or the impure thoughts I had about Sister Roanoke last Sunday when she wore that really—pink sweater.” When it finally hit him, Stickle reports that he hurled “five rows ahead” of his seat at the Stake Center. “After that it was like a chain reaction or something. People were puking all over the chapel and into the foyer. You could hardly take a step without getting yak on your shoe.”
President L. Ron Martinez lamented at the disruption, as well as the size of the cleaning bill. “I don’t know how we are going to get these stains out, and the building will be unusable for at least five days.” Visibly concerned about the welfare of his young Stake members, President Martinez recalls that their first reaction was to administer to the sick young men. “But after a couple hours we decided to give up and call an ambulance,” he reported.
According to eyewitness reports, Brother Matumi had to be restrained when he arrived back at his apartment. “He wailed all the way home from the hospital that he had brought shame upon himself,” said his roommate Brad Sergeant. “When we walked through the door, he lunged for his swords, and we had to tackle him and get him out of the apartment. He seemed to calm down when we told him it was cool, and that we all just gained a deeper appreciation for the pain and suffering endured by our pioneer ancestors that day.” Just to be safe, they hid the swords in their neighbor’s apartment.
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