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SALT LAKE CITY, UT- In response to a humble inquiry of the Lord, church spokesman David Kosher announced that the First Presidency of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints has issued a statement allowing the baptism and confirmation of “our canine brothers and sisters.” This announcement follows hard on the heels of the news just last week that President Hinckley’s longtime friend and comforter, Spot had been called home to his Heavenly Father. “We know there is good in them,” he announced to a hushed room full of LDS dog lovers. “We know God has a special place prepared for them.”
The new revelation is to be included in the Doctrine and Covenants as Declaration –1, and is expected to bolster temple attendance to shocking new highs. Dog lovers of all kinds will be able to bring their living pets into the holiest of all places and have them baptized for the dogs that have gone on before.
 “This will do wonders for our membership numbers,” an excited young missionary was heard as he stood outside in the foyer during sacrament meeting. “You will surely see the stone rolling and gathering speed as it goes now. We are teaching three families right now, and frankly, I think their dogs are the only ones feeling the spirit.”
Pamphlets are soon to be released for the benefit of LDS members. Titles such as “Discussing the Sacred Ordinance of Baptism with your Canine friends” and “Who Let the Dogs In: We Did” will be appearing on Deseret Book shelves before year’s end.
Opposition has been sparse, although loudest from a single LDS special interest group. The LDS Cat Lover Society has petitioned for the baptism of felines as well, but their petition so far has fallen on deaf ears.
“First of all, imagine trying to baptize cats,” said Elder Kosher. “Have you ever seen a wet cat? And they have those pointy claws and that irritating hissing sound, totally unworthy creatures for God’s Presence.” He did mention later, however, that if church membership numbers begin to stagnate again, “We may reconsider our feline friends, but it will be a long time before we baptize any of the black ones.”
Elder Kosher denied any possibility of the church renaming itself to “The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saint Bernard’s.”
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