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SALT LAKE CITY,UT—A spokeswoman speaking on behalf of the General Relief Society Board announced their submittal of a 14th Article of Faith to the First Presidency late yesterday afternoon. If accepted, this would constitute the first change to this quasi-scriptural statement of faith penned by Joseph Smith.
“Not that there’s anything wrong with the first 13,” says Sister JoMaryEllen Hanks, “it’s just that none of them really get at the core of what we think it means to be Mormon. We propose to change that.”
The amendment reads: “We believe in being perky, cheerful, sprightly, energetic, jolly and merry in all things, at all times, even at funerals, or loss of a limb, or if you totally missed the rubber stamp workshop at Scrapp ‘n Snip, or if our Prozac prescription runs out.”
According to Sister Hanks, “nothing in this life is so dreary that a happy smile can’t make it better! If you know that Heavenly Father loves you, what’s a little sexual molestation or heart disease? In the eternal scheme of things, what does it matter if your child is killed by a drunk driver? She’s now living in the Celestial kingdom, cheering you on!”
Observers believe this is timely on the part of the Relief Society.
“Sometimes I just feel like crying all day long,” says Mindee Smith of the Hillview Ward. “All these kids at home, a husband I never see, dinner to cook, a Primary lesson to prepare. But then I remember to smile, and even though it doesn’t really fix anything, at least I’m not a poor reflection on my husband or the Church.”
Some critics worry that the article goes too far. Says Karl Messenger, Institute Director at Weber State, “I don’t care for the word ‘sprightly’. I worry about the senior citizens among us who might feel guilty about their wheelchairs and walkers.” Still, proponents note that even old-folks can “paint on a smile for the greater good,” although their nurses point out that they are more likely to drool on themselves. “At least they can slobber cheerfully!” says Hanks.
“We want our people to mourn in a jolly fashion, suffer merrily, labor energetically, endure illness cheerfully, because anything else might suggest to the world that we have problems, and that simply will never do in the Kingdom of Heaven! I bear testimony to the fact that happiness is all about looking good, no matter how you feel.”
According to the announcement, the message is in more than just the words. The printed version ends with a smiley face rather than the usual period. “It’s perkier that way,” says Hanks. “You just have to smile! And that’s really what it means to be a Mormon, right?”
The First Presidency is expected to rule favorably in time for a final announcement at the Fall General Conference.
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