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This is a new feature that we hope will enlighten the curious about some of the various aspects of Mormonism that indeed makes them a “peculiar people.” This will be our online equivalent of “Mormonism For Dummies” and will no doubt become a rich, online resource tool for people interested in the culture of the intermountain west. Today, We’re Glad You Asked about Mormon Underwear!
GARMENTS (see UNDERWEAR, UNDERWEAR PROTECTION)
UNDERWEAR
A recent poll demonstrates that Americans are passionate about underwear, as illustrated by the following table:
So we can therefore conclude from this table almost nothing about the subject at hand, which is the singularly unattractive underwear worn beneath that polished Mormon exterior. It may also be safe to conclude that the pollsters knew full well that most Americans wouldn’t be caught dead wearing Mormon underwear, so why ask.
One of the great mysteries of the kingdom has long been, “Why underwear? Couldn’t you have just gotten a tattoo?” That would be an excellent suggestion except that tattoos are “bad” while underwear is “good” according to recent revelation received by the Church’s highest authorities. You might also ask, “Why not hats, like those worn by Orthodox Gentiles (or “Jews” to the non-Mormon community)?” The answer? Secrets.
It was during the Nauvoo period that Mormon underwear became fashionable. Well, not so much “fashionable,” per se, but more “appropriately uncomfortable.” (NOTE: The underwear came to be known among Church members as “garments,” which is confusing to the rest of the world who believes that all clothes are garments, which just goes to show the degree of ignorance on the part of non-members.) The so-called garment industry in early Nauvoo was known as “Joseph’s Secret,” due to the recognition on the part of the Prophet that people want to wear full-length, woolen underwear in secret to remind them with every wedgie, every itch and every drip of sweat running down their foreheads that they were just a little more special than everybody else. Plus, if they wore hats, then any hoodlum could look at them and say, “There’s a Mormon! Shoot straight, boys!” With secret underwear it’s much harder to identify your target.
(ANOTHER NOTE: Mormons know exactly what to look for with regard to the telltale “garment lines” that distinguish good Mormons from coffee drinkers and non-Mormons, and they can identify one of their own kind from up to a hundred yards away.)
Prior to the full institutionalization of Joseph’s Secret, now known as Beehive Industries, Mormon women were encouraged to make their own garments. This became problematic during the polygamous years, as the more industrious women recognized the need to be more attractive than their sister wives if they were to compete effectively for the affections of their shared husband. Over time, some of the garments that these plural wives were making for themselves were downright scandalous, and were thus rendered useless for warding off evil. The Nauvoo High Council had no alternative but to create a committee whose sole enterprise was surprise inspections of ladies garments, and many ugly incidents went unrecorded, if you catch our drift. Spiritual Wife Swapping (SWS) became almost a cottage industry during those days. Now the underwear is deliberately unattractive and stitched under the watchful eye of Church authorities, so the problem has largely gone away, while the more interesting though inappropriate undergarments became the livelihood of one of Brigham Young’s more rebellious daughters, Victoria.
UNDERWEAR PROTECTION
One of the unique contributions of Mormon underwear is the protection afforded to the wearer. For example, the incidence of skin cancer among Mormons in the region between their neck and the top of their knees is almost nil. You can easily recognize a naked Mormon from a distance because it still appears as though they are wearing garments, so pronounced are the tan lines (see Figure). We are  told that garments also afford a high degree of protection from infidelity, serving as a constant reminder of the covenants that were made in order to gain the privilege of wearing them in the first place. Proof of this claim cannot be independently verified, as no good Mormon would ever admit to having direct experience in this area.
The kind of protection most Mormons seek from their underwear is more physical than moral, and often you will hear tales in Mormon circles of someone like Sister LaVerda Fielding Kimball Young who recounts regularly her experience of being caught in a house fire, and everything that was covered by her garments came out medium rare, while all the extremities were reduced to a pile of cinder. Mormon congregations always have a few folks who look like human caterpillars because they’ve lost their limbs beyond their garment hems due to unfortunate mishaps that would have been much worse were it not for their underwear. That’s just one of the many perks of Church membership.
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