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“Glad You Asked!” is a feature designed to enlighten the curious about some of the various aspects of Mormonism that indeed makes them a “peculiar people.” This will be our online equivalent of “Mormonism For Dummies” and will no doubt become a rich, online resource tool for people interested in the culture of the intermountain west. Today, We’re Glad You Asked about The Articles of Faith!
The Articles of Faith were originally drafted by Joseph Smith, and today, every Primary child memorizes them. In the spirit of full disclosure, we’re printing “The Slightly Modified Articles of Faith,” with much thanks to Captain Ahab for his research into the true intent of these Articles.
REVISED ARTICLES OF FAITH
1. We believe in God the Eternal Father™ and in his Son Jesus Christ™ and in the Holy Ghost™. These became three separate personages sometime after 1838, at which time the Father and the Son got bodies of flesh and bone (but not blood); and Joseph Smith may have been the Holy Ghost™ in the past. We’re not sure.
2. We believe that men will be punished for their own sins and not for Adam’s transgression. Except for Blacks, Lamanites (who may or may not be Indians—it depends on whom you ask), and apostates, whose descendants will always carry the curse until they don’t anymore. Besides, Adam was God and couldn’t really transgress anyway.
3. We believe that through the Atonement™ of Christ, all mankind may be saved (with the following exceptions: those who don’t confess to their Priesthood leader; those who shed innocent blood—they will need to have their own blood spilled; those who refuse to marry the Prophet™, and those who, having once seen the light, turn away from it), by obedience to the laws and ordinances of the Gospel™ which we define as any counsel or word given by our inspired leaders, unless they’re speaking only as men, in which case you should obey anyway. It won’t be counted against you, even if it’s really dumb.
4. We believe that the first principles and ordinances of the Gospel™ are: first, faith in Joseph Smith and the Lord Jesus Christ™ and obedience to Priesthood leaders; second, repentance and obedience to Priesthood leaders; third, baptism by immersion for the remission of sins by someone who is obedient to Priesthood leaders; fourth, the laying on of hands for the Gift of the Holy Ghost™ to guaran-damn-te obedience to Priesthood leaders.
5. We believe that a man must be called of God™, by prophecy, and by the Laying On Of Hands™ by those who are in authority, to preach the Gospel™ and administer in the ordinances thereof. In the absence of God™ or prophecy, a Calling™ may be issued by common consent or expediency, so if a pedophile, adulterer, or thief get a Calling™, it is not God’s fault. The Bishop™ just wasn’t listening.
6. We believe in the same organization that existed in the Primitive Church, namely, Apostles™, Prophets™, pastors, Teachers™, evangelists, and so forth, by which we mean Home Teachers™, Deacons™, greeters, sports coordinators, homemaking leaders, Relief Society™ officers as duly constituted, Primary™ officers as duly constituted, employment specialists, canning specialists, activities committee chairpersons, and all other offices implied or existing as dictated by the Central Authorities of the Church™.
7. We believe in the gift of tongues, prophecy, revelation, visions, healing, interpretation of tongues, and so forth, all of which become less necessary as the work advances, and if anyone receives these gifts, he/she should not discuss them or use them in any way, shape or form except healing, lest they be excommunicated. We also believe in the gifts of found car keys, extra good gas mileage, and other miraculous intervention in individual human lives, especially lives of church members.
8. We believe the King James Bible to be the word of God™ as far as it is translated correctly, and that God™ speaks in the King’s English to this day and thus all prayers should be uttered according to the same; we also believe the Book of Mormon™ and the written and/or spoken words of modern Apostles™ and Prophets™ to be the Word of God™, even if they are not spoken in the King’s English.
9. We believe all that God™ has revealed, all that He does now reveal (and we believe he will always issue new interpretations of old revelations), and we believe that He will yet reveal many great and important things pertaining to the Kingdom of God, including the Home Teaching Program™, prohibition of tattoos, and only one earring per ear for sisters.
10. We believe in the literal gathering of Israel, but believe it may be a metaphorical literal gathering characterized by the conversion to our faith of many Latinos, and in the restoration of the Ten Tribes; that Zion (the New Jerusalem) will be Salt Lake City until the Millennium™, when it will be built in Jackson County Missouri; that Christ will reign personally upon the earth with Joseph Smith and other Prophets™ and righteous members; and, that the earth will be renewed and receive its paradisiacal glory, which means it will leave its orbit and hie unto Kolob™ where it will become a big Urim and Thummim™, or in other words, the Celestial Kingdom™. Admittedly, this is confusing. We don’t even know what “hie” means.
11. We claim the privilege of worshiping Almighty God™ according to the dictates of our own conscience, and allow all nonmembers the same privilege, let them worship how, where, or what they may; we believe that if they don’t worship Almighty God™ according to the dictates of our own conscience, they are worshiping Satan and will go to hell.
12. We believe in being subject to kings, presidents, rulers, and magistrates, in obeying, honoring, and sustaining the law when doing so suits us.
13. We believe in being honest and true when useful to our own self interest, chaste, benevolent, virtuous, and in doing good to all men, especially our own men (and we do mean “men,” except communists, apostates, intellectuals, and gays); indeed, we may say that we follow the admonition of Paul—We believe all things whatsoever our Priesthood leaders say to us, we hope all things will work out hereafter, we have endured many things at the hands of our Priesthood leaders, and hope to be able to endure anything else they shovel on us, especially three hour blocks. If there is anything virtuous, lovely, or of good report or praiseworthy, we seek after these things, so long as they be profitable and popular.
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