“Glad You Asked!” is a feature designed to enlighten the curious about some of the various aspects of Mormonism that indeed makes them a “peculiar people.”  This will be our online equivalent of “Mormonism For Dummies” and will no doubt become a rich, online resource tool for people interested in the culture of the intermountain west.  Today, We’re Glad You Asked about Master Mahon Himself, None other than Cain!

Who Is Cain?

Cain holds a special place in the heart of Mormon theology because his story answers so many important questions.  Thanks to the revealed secrets of the Old Testament as given to Joseph Smith, Mormons know that the mark of Cain is the dark skin of the African race, which thereby justified the policy of the Church that all those who are born under the lineage of Cain, i.e. are of the “Negro race,” are those spirits who were unworthy in the preexistence to receive the priesthood (Mormon Doctrine, 2nd Edition, pp. 109).  That’s a really good thing to know if you happen to live someplace like Atlanta and feel badly outnumbered by the number of African Americans around you.  At least you can look them in the eye and say, “I may not have good rhythm, and I might not be able to slam-dunk a basketball, but at least I was worthy enough in the preexistence to hold the priesthood!”  That way, you can feel smug and superior as you are being dragged through the streets behind a Chevy Impala. 
Another tidbit of clarification brought to light by Mormon Doctrine is the realization that Cain is the Father of Lies (Moses 5:24).  Up until Cain told “the first fib,” Satan had always felt constrained to tell the truth, sometimes “stretching it a bit,” or even “varnishing it a tad,” but basically being unable to “think outside the box.”  Then when Cain, the Father of Lies, began to lead the way, Satan was all, “Whoa! That serves my evil intentions much better!  Why didn’t I think of that?”  Cain and Satan never got along all that well from that point forward, because they were constantly telling each other stuff, but they never knew what to believe.  The partnership soon dissolved, and Satan wouldn’t even let Cain come to Hell, who to this day must wander the earth like John the Beloved, though he seldom shows up to perform any miracles.
Which leads us directly to the third and without question the most important contribution of Mormon Doctrine relative to the life and times of Cain, answering one of the all-time greatest mysteries of the natural world, namely the fact that Cain is none other than Bigfoot.  Try to find that kind of revelation in your average Protestant theology.  When God cursed Cain, He caused him to become a “vagabond and a fugitive” throughout eternity, plus presumably He caused him to become much hairier and increased both his stature and his stench accordingly.  David W. Patten, an early Mormon apostle, recorded for posterity that he actually spoke with a personage who matched in every regard the modern descriptions of Bigfoot, and the large, hairy beast confessed to Apostle Patten that in fact he was Cain (Bigfoot, not Apostle Patten).  President Spencer W. Kimball later recalled that story in his book, The Miracle of Forgiveness, and confirmed that indeed, it would seem as though the mysterious Man of the Forest is none other than Master Mahan, Cain himself.  No, we’re not kidding.