Editor’s Note:The following are the views of the guest editorialist, and not necessarily those of Post-Mormon.com or The Peep Stone.  Still, given the lively threats of pestilence and plague upon ourselves and our families, we felt it wise to print this.  We hope our readers understand, and likewise hope the editorialist will kindly remove all these warts from the editor. 

Due to the malfeasance of the more popular newspapers in Utah who exercise brazen and undue censorship, I have been suffered to submit my complaint to this unfortunate organ of the Latter-day Left.  Nevertheless, as I am accustomed to the persecution of the pious, I will endeavor now to respectfully make my case against the so-called Church of J**** C***** of Latter-day Saints in an effort to shed darkness on the manner in which said institution has cheated me of the glory that I am rightfully due.  As I have been wrongfully barred from every court in the State of Utah, I have no choice but to go to the people with the final hope of initiating a grass-roots movement that might one day succeed in righting this most heinous of wrongs.

Behold, it is written that, “Satan…is the same which was from the beginning, and he came before me, saying—Behold, here I am, send me, I will be thy son, and I will redeem all mankind, that one soul shall not be lost…Wherefore…Satan…sought to destroy the agency of man…” (Moses 4:1 & 3).  It has been withheld from no one that my plan was designed from the beginning to ensure that every man, woman and child should return to their creator by the simple implementation of a set of standards that left no doubt in anyone’s mind regarding what course of action they should implement at every juncture of their otherwise confusing lives.  All I asked was that I be granted the recognition due to me for achieving God’s appointed purpose, which is no more than even the lowliest of laborers requests of his superiors when they have accomplished a job well done.

For reasons incomprehensible to me, my older brother, who always was Father’s favorite, clung to the idealized yet wholly unrealistic notion that the doctrine of Free Agency was the superior plan for bringing salvation to the inhabitants of this earth.  In his self-deprecating way, he persuaded the councils of heaven to concede to his terms, and with the blessing of Father, cast me out!  The audacity of that act dumbfounds me to this very day. 

But the worst crime was yet to come.  That ridiculous plan failed so dismally that the entire first batch of earthly inhabitants, save but a handful, had to be completely destroyed by the great flood, and all had to begin anew.  They failed again, and finally, noting at last the wisdom of my noble plan, the first standards were issued in the now famous Ten Commandments!  I wailed from the very depths of Hell, which was the real reason Mt. Sinai was enveloped in fire and smoke, yet that plagiarist J**** managed to persuade Moses away and convince him that the Law was his, not mine.  Ironic that they call ME the devil…

Despite the obvious mounting heap of failures of the doctrine of Free Agency, J**** persisted for thousands of years his dismal attempt to force it to work, but just as I had predicted, he could not.  When at last he commenced to re-establish his church in the final dispensation, he cast aside that futile doctrine, and set up his church, calling it “A House of Order,” a euphemism for a “House of Get You Back to Heaven No Matter What.”  Dear reader, what I humbly submit to you, is that this charlatan, this silver-tongued copy-cat, simply adopted my original plan and called it his, and has set about the process of implementing it…with notable success.

Observe.  His Bishops and other leaders do as I had proposed, which was to insert themselves into every facet of the people’s lives to root out the mistakes and cause them to repent.  His Universities have set standards dictating every jot and tittle of its student’s lives to the degree to which it is believed there are even rules for the proper way to sling a purse strap across a woman’s body!  His youth organizations heap such guilt and paranoia upon its young people that they seldom dare make choices other than those set forth for them by their leaders.  Does no one but me recognize this plan as my own?

I am incensed.  The evidence is clear.  I proposed a plan that simply made it virtually impossible for the children of men to fail, and it was rejected.  My brother, after having failed miserably for thousands of years, finally implements my plan at the VERY LAST MINUTE, and saves a handful of souls, and yet look at the glory he has received!  The very Church has been named for him!  It is an outrage, and it is high time I received the credit, nay, the Glory that is due me.  I encourage all who read this to help correct this shameful injustice and commence lobbying your church leaders to re-name this institution The Church of Lucifer and His Latter-day Saints.  That would please me immensely, and heal the wounds of several millennia.  Please forward this to at least 20 of your closest friends, and I swear that you will become wealthy beyond your wildest imagination.  Otherwise, your hair will fall out.

The above was reprinted with permission from The Sugar Beet, http://www.thesugarbeet.com