KANSAS CITY, MO—The Community of Christ (formerly the Reorganized Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints) is faced with a crisis of succession and authority; there are currently no Sons of Perdition, only daughters, and the likelihood of sons has diminished at this point to a virtual impossibility.  The situation has created a schism in the Church that many think is irreconcilable. 

There are some who believe that the Quorum of 13 Apostates, called as the governing body, hold all the keys to perdition, and that no heir is necessary.  “We can run dis joint no problem,” says Vincent “Vinny the Snake” Smith, one of the Apostates.  “I got yer keys right here,” he added with a rude gesture.

Others are not convinced that the Quorum of 13 Apostates has any responsibility to perdition beyond spreading hate and discontent, and that the ultimate responsibility, as designed in the eternal scheme of things, must be passed along through family lines.  This has evolved to include what many consider to be a radical solution, namely ‘Sons-in-law of Perdition’.  Says Dr. Richard L. Prestwitch of Kansas State and one of the leading theological thinkers and authors in the Community of Christ, “At least this way we could see a return to the blood lineage of perdition after skipping a single generation, as opposed to just having the whole thing go to hell.”

Church members are divided among both camps, and the matter is coming to a head as the last Son of Perdition is nearly lost to the oblivion of the eternities as taught by the Prophet and father of Church Founder, Joseph Smith III.  “In most cases, this eventual re-absorption of rebellious spiritual matter into the infinity of the cosmos is a good thing,” notes Dr. Prestwitch.  “But in this case, it leaves us with a void, and unfortunately, revelation is not very dependable when it comes to resolving issues of outer darkness.” 

Without the requisite leadership in perdition, many fear that it will lose its powerful threat.  “In the absence of proper authority, how can we be assured that those who deny the Holy Ghost are actually spending their time in outer darkness?  Maybe it’s not so outer, or not so dark, and then what do we have?” asks Bishop Mark Johnson of Independence.  “Mediocre grayness?  Sort-of-out-there dimness?  How threatening is that?”

At press time, a call had been issued to all the 13 Apostates to return to the Greater Kansas City area to petition for the support of the body of the Church to either adopt one of the competing claimants as the rightful heir to the position (there are legion), or to accept a change in policy to allow the husband of the eldest daughter of perdition to be called.  The entire membership is in unanimous agreement that the calling cannot be filled by one of the daughters themselves.  “A woman is entitled to create hell in their own homes if they so choose,” says Church spokesman Leroy Butterman, “but it is not their divinely appointed role to do so on behalf of the entire Community of Christ.”