SALT LAKE CITY, UT – In a stunning legal reversal, a specially convened session of the Most Supreme Court overturned state and federal laws banning plural marriage, a historical tenet of Mormon faith.  The Most Supreme Court, made up of the First Presidency of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints and six of the twelve apostles, changed all of this with a dramatic and unanimous reversal, ruling 9-0 that laws banning polygamy violated the Most Supreme Law of the Land, namely that of God.  “Accordingly,” Judge Thomas S. Monson said in the majority opinion, “state laws banning polygamy are not only illegal, but dangerous, as disobedience to God’s higher laws brings His wrath upon us.” Minutes from the closed-door session make reference to angels standing in the courtroom with their flaming swords drawn.

Most legal analysts were surprised that the Most Supreme Court even heard the case.  However, Salt Lake City lawyer Heber J. Hoover, who closely followed the case, explained that two fundamental legal breakthroughs allowed the case to be heard.  “First, the lawyers fighting the polygamy bans had to prove that church courts even had jurisdiction over this issue,” said Hoover.  This was conclusively proven after a careful study of LDS lesson manuals, which stated that high-ranking Priesthood holders were appointed to judge the Houses of Israel.  “Since all humans either are or should be members of a house of Israel—mostly likely Ephraim—either by parentage or adoption,” said Hoover, “it was a small step to concluding that the church indeed has jurisdiction over this case, and pretty much everything else.” According to Hoover, all that was required to move forward was a case to appeal up through the court system.

Such a case was found in the Scott v. The State of Utah, concerning the plural marriage of Lewis R. Scott of Woods Cross, UT.  Brother Scott was revealed to have recently taken a second wife, the former Ms. Jane Jacobsen.  Bishop Ralph Simpson of the Woods Cross πth Ward sought to discipline Scott in a conventional disciplinary hearing in the Woods Cross Heights Stake.  Brother Scott confounded his interrogators by arguing that he was commanded by the voice of God to marry the young, comely Jacobsen, and that this commandment superseded any an all laws of man.  In a stirring speech, Brother Scott reminded his Bishop that “No man can serve God and Mammon.  Choose you this day whom you will serve, as for me and my house, we will serve the Lord!” Scott was ultimately convicted and excommunicated, but vowed to fight on.  “I knew I had to appeal this,” said Scott, “all the way to the Most Supreme Court if necessary.”

Successive courts on the Regional and Area levels failed to overturn Scott’s excommunication.  When it was ultimately appealed to the Most Supreme Court, the Judges of Israel saw it as a perfect chance to clarify a matter of much confusion.  “There was a matter of contradiction”, said Judge Boyd K Packer in his concurrence, “between two of God’s laws.  How could a faithful saint follow God’s commandment to uphold the laws of the land, when some of those very laws lie in direct opposition to God’s own commandments?”

Once the court was in session, a mere three days of argument were heard, mostly coming from people bearing their testimonies about how families can be together forever. A few expert witnesses used nifty charts to show that following the laws of the land brought blessings only when those laws were righteous.  Two hours of deliberation over lunch, accompanied by much prayer and fasting on the morning of the closing arguments, led to a decision.

“It became clear to the other Judges and myself”, continued Monson’s majority opinion, “that where God’s commandments conflict the laws of our righteous nation, such laws cannot stand.  Therefore, the Most Supreme Court declares any and all laws banning Celestial Marriage and the highest order of the Priesthood to be null and void from this moment on.”

While polygamists--both practicing and aspiring--celebrated in the streets all over Utah, other religious activists spoke in a more somber tone.  Michael Jensen, of the World Association for the Righteous Exercise of Agency, said that the work was far from done.  “Until all unrighteous laws are overturned in this country, such as those allowing abortion, and the Amendment mandating the separation of church and state, we will not rest.” Jensen vowed, “The members of the Most Supreme Court have shown themselves to be true Men of God.  I have no doubt that His cause will be victorious in many future spiritual battles.”