SALT LAKE CITY—An inside source at Church Headquarters has revealed on condition of anonymity that the agreement struck between the Church and leaders of the North American Jewish community includes more than just removing the names of all Jews from the temple ordinance data base.  The Church has apparently also agreed to “undo” each temple ordinance performed for Jews. 

“An entire week of temple work performed throughout the temples of North America will be dedicated to undoing the 20,000 or more ordinances identified in the agreement, and another week will be dedicated to unbaptizing.  As you can imagine, that is going to significantly tax the efforts of our Priesthood quorum leaders in trying to get people to sign up for the unordinations,” the source was quoted as saying.  “Of course, the Relief Society will be there for us.”

When asked how unordinations were to be performed, the source indicated that, “This will actually be fairly easy to do, but labor intensive.  Undoing the endowments will be as simple as working backward through the temple ceremony.  We will have to ask members who suffer from vertigo to stick to regular temple sessions, however.”

When asked about unbaptisms, the response was more vague. 

“We aren’t sure how that’s to be done,” the source admitted.  “It’s easy enough to start our proxy unbaptism with someone already wet, but how do you lift them out of the water and have them be dry?  We’re considering a variety of other options.  At the moment, we’re testing a high-speed blower we borrowed from a car wash that should dry them quickly, but so far, the fan creates so much turbulence that it’s more like the parting of the Red Sea than an unbaptism.  We’re not sure how to handle that yet, but the inspiration will come.”

While most members seem indifferent about this agreement, at least one BYU-Idaho religion professor is concerned about the precedent this might set.

“When someone is baptized into the Mormon Church, they become literally blood-members of the House of Israel, i.e. we all become ‘Jews,’” says Dr. Dean R. Taylor.  “What that says to me is that we are as much ‘Jews’ as the Jews that this agreement requires to be unbaptized.  I see a slippery slope ahead, and when they come to the Church demanding that we all be made un-Jews, I’ll say ‘I told you so!’”

Those familiar with the negotiations, however, are not concerned.  To the contrary, many cite this agreement as evidence that the Jews recognize the power of Church ordinances.

“It’s only a matter of time before the original House of Israel closes ranks with the Latter-Day House of Israel,” says Dr. Bryant Metcalf, professor of Old Testament Studies at BYU.  “Clearly the Jews know that the ordinances of the Temple are effective, or they wouldn’t be so worked up about this.  The time is not far distant when they at last concede that the Church is their destiny as foreseen by the prophets of old, and they’ll come back in droves, asking to undo the unordinances.”

The week of unordinances will be scheduled in June, and sign-up sheets will be passed around in Priesthood and Relief Society classes in all North American wards to unendow, unseal, unwash and unanoint all 20,000 Jews.  All mutual age youth will have the opportunity to perform the unbaptisms the week following, at which time the temple computers will be purged of all unMormonized Jews.