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SALT LAKE CITY, UT—Citing the recent attention that Tom Cruise has brought to the Church of Scientology, and Madonna to Kabala, the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints has launched a campaign to woo outspoken celebrities to join the ranks of the Mormons.
“We need someone with real, wholesome appeal,” said Elder Ronald S. Bingham of the 21st Quorum of the Seventy. “Like Brad Pitt, who left Jennifer Aniston because she was more interested in her career than in raising a family. That’s our message, too.”
 To date, the Mormon Church has relied on the toothsome but fading smiles of the Osmonds, and for a while benefited from the hall-of-fame performances of quarterback Steve Young, but Church officials note that lately, their celebrities suffer from waning recognition. “I mean, Gladys Knight is a great gal, but her’s is not the Mo-town we’re trying to reach. We need a Brittney Spears with morals, not someone trying to resuscitate a dying career,” says Elder Bingham.
A press release provided to regional media by Elder Bingham indicated that the Church has established a three-pronged program in its efforts to lure celebrities to their ranks.
·The most attractive and talented missionaries are all being called to serve in the recently established Hollywood, California Mission, rather than Temple Square in Salt Lake City;
·A much simplified pre-baptism repentance process for anyone who has won an Academy Award or a Grammy since 1990; and
·A Church sponsored annual event to be called, “The Prophet’s Choice Awards,” recognizing the service of celebrities for their performances in representing the Church, at which little gold statues called “Gordons” will be awarded.
“We hope that today’s Hollywood stars are the face of tomorrow’s Church,” says Elder Bingham. “We’re willing to do whatever it takes. Just have your people call our people, and we’ll take care of all the arrangements, baby.”
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