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As usual, we dig deep into our letter bag in the hopes that something will be there, and sure enough, there wasn’t! So we threatened a few folks, and managed to get some worthy mail fit to print. Unfortunately, those were lost in a house fire, so we printed these instead. As always, we welcome your input! Send your letters to .(JavaScript must be enabled to view this email address).
Deer pepstone
I like yor paper a lot becaus it helps me feel good about being in prison insted of back on the steets of SLC. I been here for 7 yers and maybe like 5 months and from all i see from your news the mormons are prety much run amok.
Heber Rockwell #783395
Dear Mr. Rockwell,
Your assessment is accurate. As a prisoner in the Utah State Penitentiary, you have categorically more civil rights and privileges than your average citizen. We recommend that you actively resist all offers of parole. You’ll be happier this way.
Peep Stone Editor
Dear Peep Stone,
I was reading in the Farmer’s Almanac that this is supposed to be another hot, dry summer in Mormon country, and that we are ripe for another cricket infestation. I’d also heard that seagulls are on the decline in Utah, and many farmers are pretty concerned about the devastation to the local economy that is likely to occur. What can be done?
Worried in Payson
Dear Worried,
You have nothing to fear. While it is true that seagull populations have diminished as of late, the Animal Husbandry department at BYU has spent millions of dollars and devoted an entire underground network of caves near Timpanogos to developing a genetically altered species of bat that will more than compensate for the fewer seagulls should there ever be a cricket infestation in Utah again. These bats are reportedly “eating machines” and a few thousand can consume a cricket infestation in a single night. The only “kink” that has to be worked out is what they eat every night AFTER the crickets have all been consumed. During testing last summer, an entire dairy heard was devoured in three hours before the graduate students working on the problem could round up their bats, which are supposed to be the size of flying cocker spaniels. But we’re confident that the “bugs” will all be worked out in time for this year’s cricket problem!
Peep Stone Editor
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