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PROVO, UT--The Foundation for Ancient Research and Mormon Studies (FARMS) announced in a press release this past week that the DNA problem of North American Indians has been solved. Deriding the research of so-called scientists and intellectuals both inside and out of the Church, Keith Benson, Chair of American Studies at FARMS declared the debate officially over.
“It’s officially over,” were his exact words. “The faithful of this Church no longer need concern themselves with the cunning arguments of the adversary regarding the issue of Native American DNA. Problem solved. Finished. Finito. Kaput.”
Their latest study, conducted by Hans Fielding McConkie-Kimball, a post-graduate fellow with FARMS, claims that the conclusive evidence came from his study of linguistics. “It’s really quite simple, and I’m surprised that no one saw it before I did,” said McConkie-Kimball. “But were it not for a flash of inspiration that struck me during a priesthood lesson, I would have missed it, too.”
According to McConkie-Kimball, the key lies in the term ‘DNA’ itself. “When you think of that simple initialism as chiasmic, then it falls into place,” he said. “All I did was rearrange the letters, and this was what I discovered.”
DNA AND NAD
“Clearly, this unprecedented finding conclusively links the scientific notion of Deoxyribonucleic Acid, or DNA, with the entire theme of the Book of Mormon, namely the North American Diaspora, or NAD. Equally significant is the link to early Church history—DAN, another rearrangement possibility, was obviously understood by Joseph Smith when he named his early secret society the ‘DANites’. Think about it. DAN defending the modern realization of the NAD by use of DNA. When you put the pieces together, they fit too well to be coincidental.” His FARMS associates are in enthusiastic agreement.
More traditional academic anthropologists are not impressed, and maintain that FARMS has exceeded their intellectual prerogative by chasing specters that simply are not there. “They’re nuts, that’s what they are,” said Dean Robert M. Brinker of the University of Chicago.
The FARMS crowd remains steadfastly disinterested in the disbelief of the gentile dominated field. “Name calling is unbecoming of a scholar,” notes Benson, “but we understand that many have wrongly built their entire career on the Asian land bridge theory, and we forgive them their modest indiscretions. They were fools. Simpletons. Morons.”
Benson and McConkie-Kimball point out that the Book of Mormon is true, and so by definition, anything that fails to agree with the sacred text is necessarily false. “End of argument,” declares Benson. “It’s over. Nothing left to say. Nothing.”
“Finding the truth is a lot easier when you start with the inspired answer and work backward,” says McConkie-Kimball. “That way, you always come out right. The scientific method cannot be depended upon to provide faith-promoting answers, and should be avoided whenever possible.” McConkie-Kimball hopes to lecture at next year’s American Anthropological Acadamy meeting on the power of the Book of Mormon for defining the anthropological landscape, though to date his papers have all been rejected.
When asked about the sizeable population of anthropologists who have concluded that the ancestral heritage of the natives of the America’s were east Asian, Benson simply discounted them all as deceived. “Besides,” he added, “they are probably all closeted homosexuals, and child molesters. Perverts. Common criminals. Necrophiliacs. You can’t trust someone like that.”
Both members of the Church who had previously expressed some mild concern over the DNA issue have acknowledged that their faith has now been restored, and they have successfully returned to the regular ritual of prayer, scripture study and temple attendance without the fear that it is all “crazy.” Nobody else even seemed to care.
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