Gladys Stevens, an 85-year old Spanish Fork native, phoned a complaint this week to her local police precinct after hearing prowlers snooping around her doorstep, only to rescind the request for help minutes later, Sergeant Tucker Riley, Provo Police Department, said. The urgent request for help was canceled because Ms. Stevens realized that the prowlers were actually leaving an Easter Basket of fruit on her porch.

“She was pretty worked up, screaming something about 9/11 and gay marriage and 12-guage shotguns. I could hardly make out what she was calling about,” Riley recalled. He indicated that similar situations are a growing problem in this area, with well-meaning Young Women’s service projects ending up “scaring the bejeezus” out of countless local widows.

According to neighbor Phyllis Whitely, the event occurred last Wednesday. “I heard all the ruckus too, and saw them clear as day. I like to sit by my French windows from 6:00 to 9:30 on weeknights.” Whitely claims that it was obvious to her that this was a Young Women’s activity, and can’t understand her neighbor’s overreaction. “It happens every year. She must have forgotten. Frankly, it irks me that Gladys gets that darn basket every year when I’m the one going to Church, smiling at them each week and waving when they walk by. Little punks.”

Police department staff report that Ms. Stevens calls back several times a day since the incident to apologize profusely about the misunderstanding, and for having hurled several shoes at the girls as they ran from her porch. “I know I really should get out to Church, but with the rheumatism and all lately, I just can’t seem to make the trek any more. It’s no excuse, I know, but making those poor dears come all the way out in the cold… I really don’t even like fruit, and I’m allergic to bananas. I get everything I need from Meals on Wheels, you know. I just feel so guilty.  And I’m missing one of my good orthopedic sneakers.”

Riley’s supervisor, Lieutenant Michael L. Winsome said, “It’s not just about the old ladies any more. It’s a pervasive love-bombing conspiracy. We get calls every week. Hit and Runs, we call them: a loaf of zucchini bread on the doorstep; manila envelopes with no return addresses containing books like ‘Easy Answers to Gospel Questions;’ little construction paper hearts on the porch with affirming messages; you name it. Of course, it’s the nonmembers who’re getting it the worst. Ever since they had that missionary stake conference where they passed out the addresses of all the nonmembers, it’s been hell for us down here at the station.”

Lieutenant Winsome indicates that the biggest problem is the so-called “Love Plate” of which more than two-dozen have already been confiscated and removed from circulation.  “We’d love to get our hands on the wing nut that started that one,” he said.  According to Winsome, these particularly offensive devices appear harmless enough. “They’re just ordinary dinner plates with a corny poem painted on about how the recipient should make cookies and pass them on to someone else. I don’t know what they call it, but I call it extortion. Look, if they want to help someone, I’ve got some sheetrock to hang.”

Another love-bombing victim, Agnes Rockwell, expressed her own frustration over the constant stream of good will gone awry. “I’ve half a mind to go to their damned church just to stop all the [expletive] casseroles. I don’t get it – you tell them you think Joseph Smith was a [expletive] pervert and they bring you a tuna casserole. What is it with these [people] and green [expletive] Jell-o?”

President Moroni Phillips, of the Spanish Fork East 42nd Stake, called Ms. Stevens when news was leaked to the High Council. “Sweet old Gladys,” he remarked. “She really does love the attention. I’m so pleased this kind of selfless Christian service happens in our Stake on a daily basis.” He paused to wipe a tear from behind his glasses. “It really warms my heart to see those young people giving of themselves to make Easter more meaningful for the widows and fatherless.” President Phillips and several of the larger members of the High Council paid a visit to Ms. Stevens later that day to “ensure she never complains again.”