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SALT LAKE CITY—During his remarks on the Saturday morning session of the 175th General Conference of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, elder Richard M. Gauss, First Counselor in the 18th Quorum of the Seventy warned members of the evils of pie.
“Brother’s and sisters, it is not merely the high carbohydrate content,” insisted Brother Gauss, “but rather the addictive and provocative nature of pie that is destroying our people and undermining the very foundation of this Church.” According to a recent study conducted by the Brigham Young University department of Family, Home and Personal Enrichment Matters, pie usage among Church members is on the rise. Among the most disturbing finding is that 78% of young people, ages 14-25 admitted eating pie at least once in the past 6 months.
“It is imperative that our young people remember that the Adversary uses cunning means for laying claim to your soul,” said Gauss, “twisting that which is good into something destructive.” Specifically he indicated that lemon meringue and key lime pies were of the Devil himself, and that it is no coincidence that “citrus fruits can’t be grown in the land of Zion.”
Also falling under special condemnation was banana cream pie. “It distresses me to have to be so bold, brothers and sisters, and I hope the more sensitive among you will forgive my need to say this,” he said, “but consider the shape of the banana. You couple that with ‘cream’ and you have a very sexually provocative confection. The very idea is offensive to the Spirit.” Other fruit pies received the same level of condemnation, and Elder Gauss specifically likened the eating of cherry pie to the deflowering of the young women of the Church. “It’s pornographic,” he said.
Berry pies were not exempt, either. “Among the young people there is a saying that has caused my blood to freeze,” he said, wagging his finger at the audience. “I’ve heard numerous times from the parents of wayward youth that, ‘Once you go blackberry, you never go back.’”
Elder Gauss went on to try to comfort those saints who were struggling with this most recent admonition. “We understand that apple pie is as American as baseball and hotdogs, and though it is in and of itself not wicked, we think it is best to avoid the very appearance of evil, avoiding pie all together. If you must, eat apple strudel, or apple crisp.”
He concluded his remarks by telling of an experience he had on an airplane recently, in which he met a rock star by the name of Mick Jagger. “Mr. Jagger told me that he was returning from California where he had just opened a pie shop,” said Elder Gauss. “He confessed to me that his objective as a musician was to influence this generation to indulge in illicit pie consumption.” A call to Mr. Jagger’s publicist went unanswered.
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