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ALBION, ID—Reggie Allred had a chance encounter with Mormon Missionaries last month, which cleared up several misunderstandings that kept him unbaptized for nearly eighteen years. “I never could understand keeping a sacred record on old plates,” said Allred at his recent baptism. “Elder Roberts cleared it up for me. ‘GOLD plates,’ he said. Well, that certainly changes things.”
According to Missionary Roberts, Allred had several misgivings about the Church, stemming from years of misinformation from “anti-Mormons.”
 “For instance,” said Elder Roberts, “Brother Allred was all worked up about the promptings of the holy goat.”
Allred agrees. “I don’t know what bastard—can I say that?—led me to believe that a witness of the Book of Mormon would come from a holy goat, but it kept me out of the Church for nearly two decades,” he reports. “Ghosts I understand, but I thought they believed in talking farm animals.”
But there were more hurdles for the Elders before Allred would consent to be baptized. “He thought that Joseph Smith taught the true and everlasting covenant of marriage was origami,” recalls Elder Roberts. “Those anti-Mormons will tell prospective members ANYTHING.”
Including the other untruth that “Families are foreign.”
“That just never made sense to me,” says Allred. “I mean, the evidence against that particular doctrine was just as plain as the nose on my face. When me and the Elders had that little discussion, it cleared up a lot.”
Now the Albion man says he’s “ready for baptism by subversion, and receiving gifts from the Holy Ghost by the laying on of pans.” He’s not certain which font he’ll use, but says he’s leaning toward Baskerville Old Face because he thinks Joseph Smith would have used it if he’d had a Dell instead of ‘all of those cow berries.’
“I’m still not clear on everything, but I’m sure in time, all those anti ideas that have been put in my head will be cleared up,” says Allred, who is excited to be in the Older Quorum, if he’s found worthless enough. “They keep talking about ‘priest should,’ but they never say ‘what.’ I’m sure once I’m a member, they’ll tell me the secret!”
Brother Allred’s baptismal services will be held next Saturday at the Albion Stake Building, once he realizes the font is chosen for him.
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