SALT LAKE CITY - In its continued commitment to equal rights and diversity the LDS Church reminded the world today during a press conference in the Joseph Smith Memorial Building, that it has always afforded its gay employees’ partner medical and bereavement benefits. Even before Salt Lake City’s mayor Rocky Anderson did so mid-September.

“I am proud to say that every gay employee we have ever had on our roles has received the utmost in equal treatment since the very beginning of the Church,” said Don Johnson, LDS Church HR director.

“As our human resources records can attest, we give every gay applicant the same treatment. It goes something like this:”

“Gay Applicant: Hello, Mr. Mormon Human Resources man, I see you have a nice butt and I would like to work here in God’s office tower and look forward to your providing my partner in sodomy with the rights afforded to God-fearing, child-bearing, tithing-paying, temple-married, heterosexual couples.”

“Me: You have a nice butt too. Hope you’ve been keeping it in shape, ‘cause it’s gonna bounce hard when I thrust you straight to PERDITION where you can look at my celestial butt in all its glory for eternity! Bwah ha ha ha!”

Mr. Johnson guffawed at the crowd of reporters for a full minute before adding, “Don’t forget the top-quality electroshock and aversion therapy BYU offered during the 70’s. Now that was quality, affordable health care.”