Ever once in a while, we get a major infestation of them so-called Mormon Crickets up here in Squirrel, Idaho.  You’ve probably seen ‘em before, they’re the ones big enough to saddle and ride, and they come in hordes, chirpin’ and chompin’ everything in their path.  Round these parts, we don’t much care for the name, though, so we call ‘em Moslim Crickets, on account of it seems more appropriate, what with those little buggers fairly well terrorizing the good folks and fields of our community.

So just last week, ol’ Rulon was out with the rest of the boys from our High Priest Group, spraying the spuds and alfalfa, and driving the little bast—er, rascals into the ditch so we can light ‘em on fire, when suddenly it occurs to me that this is exactly the way it’s gonna be in the last days.  Why, that little bit of revelation fairly well struck me right between the eyes, and I broke out in a cold sweat and had to sit down for a spell to ponder the wonders of heaven.  That didn’t go over well with the boys, but I told ‘em I had higher powers to answer to than a couple a old farmers.

See, in the last days, it’s gonna be just like this, with the Priesthood of the Lord chasing the wicked folks what never accepted the gospel into the fires of hell.  Them Moslim crickets, they’re just like them Moslim Moslims over in Iraq right now, and the soldiers—one of ‘em happens to be ol’ Rulon’s nephew—is just like the seagulls of the Lord, serving the purposes of the Priesthood by destroying the wicked.  Ol’ George Bush, why he’s practically like Gordon B. Hinkley, helping along the second coming by firing up Armageddon.  Ol’ Rulon can’t wait, and I got the guns to prove it!

It’s important for us Mormons to stand behind our President at a time like this, seeing how we got special insight into the war he’s fighting.  We know it’s the war in heaven, not just Iraq.  President Bush, he’s like Captain Moroni, leading the charge against evil.  Remember, the whore of the earth, Babylon, used to be where Iraq is today.  I heard in Sunday School the other day that Saddam Hussein’s Weapon of Mass Destruction is the Tower of Babel, buried in a desert bunker, and just waiting to be brought out to conquer the world with wickedness. So until Babylon gets her ass kicked but good, ain’t nobody gonna get a decent nights sleep.  And America’s just exactly the right ones to do it, since we are the Promised Land and all.  That means we got a special calling in the Lord’s plan, and if He needs us to whoop up on the wicked, then by hell, that’s just what we’re gonna do, and no whiney namby-pamby bleeding heart tree-hugging welfare sucking liberals is ever gonna stand in the way of righteousness. 

See, it takes more than a crazy person to fly an airplane into a building.  It takes an evil person.  Them Moslims, they have sold their souls to Satan, and he’s got ‘em working to destroy everything the good people of our country stand for.  They’re like the Lamanites of old, and we’re like the Nephites.  Ever notice that them A-rabs have dark skin, just like the Lamanites?  Ain’t no coincidence.  Last time, the Nephites lost the spirit of the Lord and so lost the battle.  This time, we got the gospel restored, and we’re fighting with the Priesthood.  That means that right will prevail, and I’m here to tell you, they ain’t right.

Now then, if President Bush would lend an ear, ol’ Rulon has an exit strategy for bringing this little ruckus to a peaceful conclusion.  What them people need over there is the gospel of Jesus Christ.  It’s time to give them an ultimatum—let our missionaries in to preach the gospel, or we turn the desert into a glass parking lot.  Soon as they abandon the wicked traditions of their fathers, and get their sorry hides baptized, you’ll see the scales fall off their eyes, and they’ll embrace us like the big brothers we are.  Otherwise, just like these damned Moslim crickets, we’re gonna chase ‘em all into the fires of hell.

So here’s hoping that as soldiers in the army of God, we’re all found ready and willing to fight on the Lord’s side, and that with our help, the Lord will win the war in heaven by and by.