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 GREENSBOROUGH, WV—An unexplained and devastating wave of nausea swept through the Oak Grove Ward of Greensborough, West Virginia during last month’s Fast and Testimony meeting, resulting in several Ward members being treated at Chester County Hospital for dehydration and related symptoms. The damage done to the building was considered severe, with estimates running in the tens of thousands of dollars.
“I ain’t never seen nothing like it,” said Elmer Fitzer, Ward Executive Secretary. “Before I knowed what was happening, folks all around me started to retching and gagging, and before you could say ‘poke in the eye,’ there’s more ruckus than a henhouse with a litter a foxes.”
According to the few eyewitnesses who were able to leave the scene of the meeting without the assistance of emergency medical personnel, the meeting began like any other.
“At first, nobody stood up to bear their testimonies for, I don’t know, maybe 15 minutes or so, I reckon,” said Lester Olafson. “Then about the time old Sister Walker started in to talking about her trip to the temple with Brother Walker, I noticed my wife, Sarah, started looking a bit peaked.”
Sister Olafson, speaking from her hospital bed, confirmed that she began to feel ill when Sister Walker bore witness that she felt as though she were possessed by the spirit of the dead person whose name she was taking through that day. “When I heard her say, ‘I looked over at my husband and felt like I wanted to rip his lips off, and I just knew it was a rebellious spirit what’s name I had that day,’ I could feel the bile welling up inside me, and I ran for the door. I didn’t quite make it.”
Health officials have been called in to investigate the water system, as well as the heating and cooling system to determine if there are detrimental contaminants or bacteria that could produce such a sudden illness. Not all Ward members who were afflicted, however, reported drinking the water in the building that Sunday.
“No, can’t say it was the water, seein’s how I didn’t drink none,” noted Abilene Parker, member of the Ward since 2001. “I think I was doing okay until about the time Sister Ann Gimble said she heard the Spirit whisper to her last week that her little dog, Peepers, had to go outside and make wee-wee, but she didn’t heed the prompting, and ended up cleaning up the mess about 15 minutes later. I believe I threw up right about then.”
Bishop Leroy VanKampin, though suffering no long-term effects of the illness, does not expect to be able to meet as a Ward in that particular building again for quite some time. “We’re making other arrangements as we speak,” he said from the comfort of his double-wide on Gattlin Street where he is convalescing in his Lazy-Boy recliner. “I just don’t understand what could have caused the trouble,” he told us, reflecting that he felt fine, “right up until Brother Rufus described in detail how the boil on his back was lanced by the Holy Spirit during a blessing offered by his home teacher, and for some reason I was overcome by a wave of nausea as he described for us the ensuing issue of puss. I don’t think I was alone going down at that point.”
Although the cause of illness remains a mystery, Dr. Richard Markham of Chester County Hospital and a Southern Baptist, had one word of advice for the members of the Oak Grove Ward: “Earplugs.”
“Goes to show that so-called modern medicine don’t know a lick compared to the Priesthood,” scoffed Bishop VanKampin. “It ain’t like anything dangerous except maybe ticks ever snuck in a feller’s ears.” He is said to be preparing a letter to Salt Lake requesting guidance for performing a building exorcism.
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