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With the recent release on video of the movie Napoleon Dynamite, I think it’s important to comment on my disappointment in the movie’s failure to achieve the Lord’s purpose that He had in mind for its purpose. This movie, filmed in practically my back yard here in Preston, Idaho, had the potential to further the Kingdom of Heaven here on earth by letting the good people of our Stake show the world what good Hollywood could do if guided by the hand of the Lord. But leave it to those cretins at MTV to ruin it all.
Sure, there were good things, like for instance, in the whole movie you never heard a single curse word in the whole movie. Here is an example of good members of the Church once again leading the world. And if you noticed in the dance scene, all of the girls were wearing modest dresses. So that was good.
But there was much that was disturbing that left me and my family disturbed. When I seen that Kip Dynamite had been spending so much time on that infernal innernet talking to unseemly women, I knew it was going to be nothing but trouble. Sure enough, it was bad enough that Lafawnduh turned out to be a Negro woman, but then they go and turn an otherwise normal Preston-type boy into a city-slicker gangster type boy wearing girly chains and black leather coats and stuff. Now, I ain’t saying there’s anything wrong with black folks, but we in Preston don’t want to be giving the rest of the world the wrong impression that we condone mixed race relationships. We don’t even have any Negroes in our whole town! Time was, any seed produced by that union wouldn’t a been fit to hold the priesthood, and it still would be that way if it weren’t on account of the ACLU and the UN and Bill Clinton.
But it gets worse. When I seen that they were going to use Elmer Olafson to perform the wedding ceremony at the end of the movie (after the credits—my kids had to show me where it was at), I thought, “Good for you! You picked one of our former Temple Sealers!” But then they made light a the whole thing by telling the exact same advice that Elmer told me and LeeAnn when we were sealed in the Logan temple 23 years ago. It made it all seem sort of cheap, somehow, when it could have been so much more spiritual. I felt bad for Elmer, getting used like that. And covering up Lafawnduh in a white dress, trying to hide the curse of Cain, well that’s just political correctness if I ever seen it.
Now Napoleon, he seems like a good enough boy. Even puts in a plug for Rick’s College with a shirt he wears in the movie, which is good for Rick’s College, even though now it’s BYU-Idaho. But the devil, he’s crafty, and just when you think he might be a healthy, red-blooded American boy, he starts dancing like a gay boy! I was embarrassed to see that happening right on the stage of our very own high school, and I complained about it to the principal of our high school. He didn’t like it neither, but said the school board wouldn’t let him stop it. Just so you know, far as I know there ain’t a homosexual anywhere in our county, let alone in our fair town, so don’t get the wrong idea.
And the final insult to all the injury already done to insult our fine, Mormon community, is all the bumper stickers and t-shirts that say, “Vote for Pedro.” If a man didn’t know any better, you’d think that Preston was Little Mexico. Well, it ain’t. Now, I got a couple of Mexicans that move the pipe in my alfalfa, and they’re fine workers, Juan and Jesus, (you say his name like “Hay-zoos,” case you didn’t know). But after that movie came out and all the hub-bub about Vote for Pedro and all, we here in Preston are pretty worried that people are going to think we have gang problems. Well, we don’t. Our kids all go to seminary and mutual, and they’re seminary presidents and what not. Well, most of them.
So while we had high hopes that Hollywood would do right by our little town, we should a known better. They ended up making us look like Los Angeles or something. Don’t waste your money on the video. Go rent “The Best Two Years” instead. Thank you.
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