Dear Peep Stone,

Dude, you rock!  I totally think your stuff is cool, but my seminary teacher thinks you’re probably going to hell.  Oh well.  I shouldn’t have shown it to him.  What’s up with seminary teachers anyway?

Brendt Oversteadt, Nephi, UT

Brendt,

Thanks for the letter.  Very astute of you to pick up on the whole “stone/rock” thing.  Most people don’t get that.  You’ll do well on your college entrance exams.  Seminary teachers are competing for limited space in the upper echelons of Church leadership, and are subsequently casting off otherwise useful brain cells in order to make room for all the revelation that they hope comes pouring fourth from the windows of heaven if they can muster enough piety.  We’ve attempted to educate them on the well established fact that tequila is an excellent means for killing those unwanted neurons, but they insist on doing it the old fashioned way—by rigorous denial of rational thought.  We think tequila would make seminary a LOT more interesting, but their choice.

Peep Stone Editor

Dear Peep Stone,

It is obvious to me and my friends that you have totally never read the Book of Mormon, because if you did, you would totally not say the really mean and mean-spirited things that you said about stuff like science and God and Lamanites and things that aren’t true, and we think that if you read the Book of Mormon you would totally know that it is true and that you’re mocking the Book of Mormon is just mean, so even though we totally forgive you and everything, you still shouldn’t be saying such mean things, because people like us might believe you, you know?

Kristi Roissum, Lake Oswego, OR

Dear Kristi et al,

Thank you for your carefully thought out letter, in which you produced one of the longest run-on sentences we personally have ever seen in print.  All of your words were spelled correctly, though not all of them were used according to any rules of grammar with which we are familiar.  Maybe you’re a creative genius, but in the absence of any compelling evidence, we have to assume another explanation is more likely.  In spite of the damage inflicted upon the English language by your letter, Mormon himself would no doubt be proud of the little ladies in Lake Oswego who are defending his honor.  In the spirit of journalistic integrity, we accepted your challenge to read the Book of Mormon once again, and made it through the first few verses of 1st Nephi, at which point we passed out.  If there was a spirit about that book, it was, as Mark Twain observed, the spirit of chloroform.

Peep Stone Editor

Yo, Peep Stone,

I’ve always wanted to see a picture of a guy barfing in a magazine.  Any chance you could help?

Bob Knecht, Philadelphia, PA

Dear Bob,

We’re so glad you asked!  See our Top Story in this issue.  It’s very validating to note the sophistication level of our readership, who appreciates our efforts to bring you the stories that the syndicates think you don’t want to read.  Thanks for your support.  In the interest of space, we elected not to print your suggestion for a photograph featuring boogers, but rest assured we took note.  Please don’t write us any more letters with examples of your personal work smeared on them.

Peep Stone Editor

Note:  The Peep Stone welcomes your thoughts and letters, as well as the opportunity to smack the delete button on our keyboard when we read ones we don’t like.  Send your comments to .(JavaScript must be enabled to view this email address).  Maybe we won’t mock you.