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Subject
Security patch for MoSYS application software.
Problem Description
SecretName 5.0 has been discovered to have a security vulnerability. Unauthorized users may gain access to your secret name.
Severity
Severe. The unauthorized user may present him/herself as you at the veil, thereby fraudulently taking your place in the Celestial Kingdom, and relegating you to the Terrestial Kingdom.
Recommended Action
Please install security patch #19-84-B-7734
 Installation Instructions
If you are running SecretName 5.0 under the old TempleRitual 4.0 operating system (pre-1990), please note that you must execute the throat-cutting and disembowelment modules in order to properly install the patch. Failure to properly execute these programs could invalidate your security patch warranty and lead to apostacy. For purposes of patch installation, no actual blood needs to be drawn.
Please use this keystroke sequence: Enter, Space, Slash, Slash, Slash, [no] Escape.
For users running SecretName 5.0 under the current release of TempleRitual, you may bypass this step.
You will be prompted to verify your settings as you run the install. Please be aware that the responses used during the patch install are different from your usual application choices. When the Install Wizard asks “Are you sure?” you must choose between “Yes” and “No.” Once the patch is properly installed, the normal responses to “Are you sure?” will be restored (“I know beyond a shadow of a doubt” and “No, I’m not sure but I will believe on your belief.”)
For our sister users, please do not worry your pretty little heads with these instructions. Just pass them along to your Priesthood Holder and he will take care of everything. He is the man, after all. If you do not have a Priesthood Holder, do not attempt to install this patch. Instead, download the HusbandHunter software, now available in the deluxe “RM” version. If HusbandHunter does not produce the desired results, you may use the MarryMeJS program, shareware version, of course. Note: you must be at least 14 years of age to use MarryMeJS.
During patch installation, you may encounter warning messages indicating that your secret name is not valid or that it will not guarantee entry into heaven. Please ignore these messages. Do not try to look them up in the user manual and do not rely on your own intelligence or human understanding. Your church software has been designed to operate without the need for thinking.
While installing this security patch, it is recommended that you close all other applications, including other church programs such as TestimonyGenerator 2000.
Tips on using SecretName 5.0:
MoSYS Systems Support will never ask you for your assigned secret name on the support help line. Never give out your secret name over the phone.
When it’s time to reveal your secret name to God or his representative, remember to whisper it. You never know who may be standing next to you. A heathen apostate could be lurking at the veil hoping to pick up a good name or two.
It has been reported that a bug in previous versions of SecretName assigned the same secret name to all users on a given day. This report is false. (Please refer to TruthTranslator below for details on definition of “false”.) If you have compared your secret name with others’ names and found that they are the same, it is a coincidence… probably God testing your faith. And shame on you! You revealed your name! If you are running TempleRitual 4.0, you better get a clean towel ready.
General Tips on using MoSYS software:
Do not visit web sites where there is risk of contamination by undesirable programs, such as Logic 1.0 and Reason 101. Your church software is not designed to function with these programs and it could damage your testimony. In case of testimony malfunction, please reboot and run TestimonyGenerator 2000 in a continuous loop.
Beware apostate worm programs. These insidious viruses will take over your mind and your life. Do not let these programs gain such control - that is the church’s job.
Always keep the TruthTranslator application running in the background while using any church history related software. TruthTranslator will help you better understand church history by filtering out statements that are false. Note: “false” includes statements that are true but not faith-promoting.
Never run complex, high level church software in front of non-members or members with weak testimonies. If you are not sure which software is appropriate for your audience, please refer to the “Milk or Meat” ratings table in the “About” section.
You may want to try the new “MakeItMilk” macro. “MakeItMilk” can turn an Adam-God discourse into a safe Gospel of Luke passage in seconds, with a single mouse click.
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