VIRGINIA BEACH, VA—Christian Broadcasting Network founder and president, Reverend Pat “Square Pants” Robertson was unrepentant Tuesday for remarks he made during Monday’s “700 Club” broadcast, suggesting Christian “special forces” around the world could “take out” the Mormons.

Robertson denies that his remarks were taken out of context when some moderate Christians tried to characterize his remarks as, “take them out to lunch.” 

“That’s not at all what I meant,” said a defiant Robertson.  “I mean that God wants us Christians to bring down the fury of heaven to cleanse Mormons from the earth.  God told me that’s what He wants, and I am without shame in preaching the good word of our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ, no matter how cowardly some of the less faithful may be.” 

According to a press release from Robertson’s office at Regent University, he has initiated a massive fund-raising campaign to help bring to pass a “miracle of this magnitude.”

“I’m calling on good, faithful Christians the world over to open up their wallets and purses to help us take out the Mormons,” said Robertson.  “It takes an awful lot of love offerings to call down heavenly wrath.  I’m not talking about plagues of frogs or locusts…I’m talking about hellfire.  And if that won’t get the job done, we’ll need even more money to purchase firepower of our own.  God wants the job done, Christian Soldiers, and I’m His Holy General.  Do you love God?  Do you want to join Him in heaven one day?  Then write your check out to God, care of me, and I’ll take care of the details, like Howitzers.”

Competing televangelist John Ankerberg, who is presently on a crusade to “bring Mormons and Jehovah’s Witnesses to Christ,” refuted Robertson’s claim as God’s General in the Battle against the Mormons.  “Send your money to ME,” seems to be his primary message, but without the same level of political clout, it seems unlikely that Ankerberg will amount to much more than a 2nd Lieutenant in Robertson’s war.

Despite the angry rhetoric, Church officials in Salt Lake City remain unconcerned.  “Nobody collects more money for God than we do,” said Church spokesman Romney M. Packer.  “God knows who butters His bread.”  Aside from calling for a special church-wide fast, during which the membership are specifically asked to pray for “excessive moisture, even like unto a hurricane” to rain down upon Virginia Beach, the Church plans no other precautions. 

“It will be known among our people as ‘Hurricane Moroni,” said Packer.  “We have confidence that our ‘Captain Moroni’ will outrank ‘General Robertson’ in the war between good and evil.”

In what appears to be a related story, Venezuela’s President Hugo Chavez is reported to have contacted the Mormon missionaries.

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