SALT LAKE CITY, UT—Utah Governor Jon Huntsman announced his official position that Intelligent Design should not be taught in Utah’s so-called “science classes.”  Members of the Utah State Legislature applauded the Governor’s move.

“We have watched closely the debate in such states as Kansas and Pennsylvania and we find it appalling that otherwise intelligent people would try to teach such nonsense,” says Representative Ovaline Brooks, Republican from Spanish Fork. 

Instead, lawmakers and educators alike are proposing that, along with the “theory” of evolution, the science curriculum in Utah should now include what is more accurately referred to as, “Uneducated Design.”

“The Gospel, and the universe it encompasses, is too simple to have been created by anything other than a designer of simple faith, like unto a 14 year old, uneducated farm boy, from, oh say upstate New York,” says Dr. Michael P. Russell, director of the Institute of Religion at Weber State College.  “Nobody had to be any great genius to figure it out, they just had to be open to all the possibilities, and let it flow according to natural laws.  That’s how Joseph established the church, and that’s how the Uneducated Designer created the cosmos.” 

Proponents of UD maintain that it is classic western arrogance that suggests the designer had to be of infinite intelligence.  Instead, they maintain He needed only to have infinite faith, unencumbered by “the knowledge of this world, or any world, for that matter.”

“It takes an especially humble, child-like person to achieve that level of spiritual growth,” notes Dr. Russell.  “This universe, and the planet we inhabit, is nothing more than the child-like intuitions and whimsical, creative notions of a simple person now exalted, not unlike our Church founder, Joseph Smith.”

Marvin C. Clark of Brigham Young University-Idaho agrees.  “It logically falls from our own divinely appointed history and inspired scriptures that the designer of this universe, like the designer of this great church, was equally uneducated, illiterate, and unconscious of the processes that make a good universe.  He was simply a man of great faith, sufficient enough to result in His eternal exaltation as God,” says Russell.  “Nobody else could have worked such miracles, with such odd consequences, than someone so devoid of knowledge.”

Russell and others are quick to cite examples.  “Take the Duck-billed Platypus, for example.  An intelligent designer would never have come up with THAT one!  Have you ever seen them?  They’re ridiculous!  But if you view them through the eyes of a naïve, innocent child, for instance, then what appears to be ludicrous becomes instead magical!”  Others note that someone was clearly “sleeping on the job” when weather was created that included hurricanes and tornadoes.  Feminists in the movement note that “any thinking, intelligent being could have come up with something better than current female plumbing.”

“All of this and more can be explained easily if we recognize the creator of the cosmos as fundamentally clueless, but whose heart is in the right place,” says Clark.  Otherwise, we’d never have ended up with Daylight Savings Time or Brittney Spears.  But neither would we have gotten Disneyland, or Diet Coke, or reality TV.  And I love Survivor.” 

Proponents of the bill claim that it will provide a more balanced approach to teaching Utah school children how the universe came into being.  “Besides,” notes Representative Brooks, “most of our kids are being home schooled anyway, and this creates an opportunity for the few who remain in public schools to be on equal footing with their more advantaged, home schooled peers.”