SALT LAKE CITY, UT – Local philanthropist T. Spencer Monson is on the cusp of capturing the world widow visiting record, according to his agent, Nephi K. Romney. “It could happen any week now. We’re projecting that with the kind of numbers he’s been registering, by this time next month our boy will be over the top,” Romney said.

The former record, held by 14th century Catholic archbishop Ferdinand Urban III, has been a matter of controversy for scholars and widow enthusiasts for centuries. “The bear of this business has been verification since the dawn of sanitation and the advent of the elderly. You can’t ask a lot of the widows either; they don’t remember anything more than a few days,” claims Jacob Levine, professor of geriatric sociology at Brandeis University. “Nobody really knows exactly how many visits Ferdy scored. No one doubts he was a prolific widow visitor, but to be honest, most of us think the 23,574 lifetime visit record was just pulled out of a hat. If Mr. Monson can pull it off, his accomplishment will be a real boon to the whole widow visiting literature,” Levine concluded.

Romney attributes Monson’s success to a burning testimony of the gospel and no holds barred tactical genius. “You’ve got to admit the guy’s a machine. We’re not talking about waving hands as you drive by nursing homes. These are quality visits, each with a commemorative photo for verification and a message. We’re confident that when the evidence is on the table, the issue will be laid to rest and a lot of historians and commentators are going to be out of a job, frankly.”

The message, according to Romney, is Monson’s trademark as a widow visitor. For each visit, Monson will share a brief message, followed by a story from his youth, time permitting. Associate LeRoy T. Perry agrees, “The sheer numbers are one thing – but it’s the messages that make Monson’s widow career so distinctive. There are surprisingly few repeats. Sure, he’ll pull out ‘Think to Thank’ or ‘A Legacy of Learning’ with some regularity, but those are classics. Just last week I overheard one that was completely fresh material – ‘A Jot of Joy.’ I used to try to keep up with him in the early years, but you know when you’re just plain outclassed.”

Not everyone is so optimistic. “Monson’s a respectable widow visitor, don’t get me wrong, but some of us think the ‘Widows R Us’ van and the ‘Elder Evangelist’ slogan are a bit over the top. I mean this isn’t the WWF,” argues Reverend Pete Francis of Newark Holy Roller Baptist Convention, a respected player in the widow visiting community. “Plus, some of his methods are a little suspect. Like the time he pulled up to a big nursing home dressed as Tom Jones for a lip-sync concert. He drew a huge crowd, and shook each widow’s hand afterward with a brief message, but it was pretty rapid fire. I think he used ‘An Attitude of Gratitude’ four times that day.”

“That’s just Pete’s sour grapes,” responded Romney. “Monson’s creativity should only be a part of his legacy. Whether it’s posing as Bob Barker in a neighborhood ‘Price is Right’ party or hosting a ‘Matlock Marathon’ in a retirement community, Monson knows how to bring the widows to him. That’s what it takes to be the best. And think of all the lives he has blessed through his service.” 

When asked about his success, Monson humbly responded, “You know, it’s like when I was a boy of 9 in a small Mormon community. We used to like to play stickball in the street. Of course we always knew not to hit the ball in Sister Markham’s yard. Many a ball game had been ended from a lost ball in her dogwood patch. Well, one day Jimmy hit a line drive right over Sister Markham’s fence. You can imagine our relief when it sailed over the bushes, and our fear when it kept on sailing… right through her front window. As we approached her door, eyes wide open, to confess our sins, Sister Markham was already at the door with the ball in hand. I never forgot what she told us that afternoon over cookies and milk. ‘Boys, you have to keep your eyes on the ball.’ Well, I haven’t lost my focus since.”