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SALT LAKE CITY—The so-called Prophet, Seer, and Revelator of the LDS Church, Thomas S. Monson, spoke to an assembly of general and other church authorities on Wednesday morning and revealed what is to be called Monson’s First Official Revelatory Action, soon also to be called Official Declaration 3 in the church’s Doctrine and Covenants. In his remarks, President Monson revealed that too little respect has been afforded him as the newly called—by God—Prophet of the church and that all such future omission will be classified as a sin. Citing as an example, Monson held up a recent Ensign cover photo that he declared is “unflattering and did not catch [his] best side”. Monson further revealed that he was “filled with the spirit of righteous indignation” that no one seems to be quoting anything yet from his most recent Conference talks.
“Yes, I acknowledge that it has only been a few months since God Himself bestowed upon me—ME!—this mantle of authority,” said Monson, “but I have been patiently waiting my turn for most of my life, and by golly, now it is MY day! I want—and deserve—emulation!”
Elder R. Golden Hamsterbiter of the 33rd Quorum of the Seventy raised a polite objection by noting that in a recent talk given at a Young Women’s Conference in Nicaragua, he himself quoted President Monson quoting the poet Christopher Marlow who quoted Edmund Spenser quoting Henry Wadsworth Longfellow. “It didn’t translate well into Spanish, unfortunately,” he added, “and the young women mostly thought I was quoting a Disney character.”
 Monson was visibly agitated at having his concerns taken lightly, and revealed—in the name of the Lord—that from now on, church authorities are instructed to use more direct quotes from Monson’s conference talks. “Why can’t you cite examples from my years of service to widows and orphans in the hospitals around the world? Aren’t those stories touching enough? Don’t you feel the spirit trickling down your cheek when I deliver those talks? I sure do!”
Again, Monson’s remarks were met with gentle opposition when some of the brethren noted that his stories were “personal,” whereas President Hinckley’s stories tended to have more “substance.” Monson struggled to maintain control of the meeting, but strongly stated if it was substance the church wanted, substance is what they would get.
“From now on, all church members and authorities are expressly forbidden from quoting President Gordon Hinckley,” he revealed. “Furthermore, members are forbidden from using Hinckley’s middle initial ‘B’ when referring to him. I do this because I care. I care that this membership stop fixating on dead prophets and return their focus, rightfully, to the living prophet—ME!”
According to Monson, a favorite tool of the anti-Mormons is pitting the dead prophets against the living one. “By denigrating the status of former President Hinckley, we can turn again the eyes of this church to the important work I am doing as the living prophet and oracle of the Lord.”
Citing as examples, Monson intoned in his famous sing-song voice the importance of building the shopping mall and downtown development of Salt Lake, not to mention the development of cattle ranches, a hotel/condo complex on the North Shore of Oahu, and stemming the astronomical numbers of members who are leaving the church. “Your dead prophet is simply no use to you now. Only a LIVING prophet can sign checks,” Monson pointed out. “By focusing entirely on what I say, the Lord’s church stands a chance of surviving into the millennium.”
When asked for specific plans for such growth, Monson revealed his inspired program called, “Every Member A Hospice Widow Visitor Program” (EMAHWVP). He concluded the meeting by quoting Wadsworth and Longfellow, and shuffled out the door to Hart’s Gas-n-Go for a Diet Pepsi.
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