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SALT LAKE CITY—If there was ever any doubt that the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints was a giant corporation, those doubts have been alleviated after yesterday’s press conference with R. Kimball Ballard, President of the 15th Quorum of the Seventies. Ballard told those in attendance that the Church’s real estate holdings have plummeted in value, and their mortgages are almost worthless.
“Unfortunately, we guaranteed all our own mortgage holdings, and now we find ourselves in the same position as Countrywide Bank,” he said. “Our temple and church house properties are what those in the lending community call ‘toxic.’”
 According to Ballard, several entities, most notably the Catholic Church, the Marriott Corporation, and Anheuser-Busch have stepped forward with aggressive offers to purchase the Church, but thus far, Mormon authorities have stood their ground.
“We don’t think it will be necessary,” said Ballard. “A rescue package is coming. The Spirit has borne witness to us of that.”
Ben Bernanke, Chairmen of the Federal Reserve, made it abundantly clear in a letter to Church President, Thomas “Tommy” S. Monson, that the Federal Government would not be stepping in as they did with AIG and Lehman Brothers. The Peep Stone was able to obtain a copy of that letter, finding that the general tone and tenor of the Fed’s message to the church could be summed up in the first sentence:
“Are you people NUTS?” asks Bernanke.
Subsequently, the Church has turned to its most reliable sources of income: its own members, and treasure buried in the ground. Ballard admits that they are not overly optimistic about asking members to increase their contributions during these times of economic crisis, noting that, “a glance at the expansive, new development on the benches above Salt Lake tells the story—as a general rule, few people are as over-extended on their mortgages and SUV loans than Mormons.”
In the face of this crisis, however, Church authorities remain optimistic, reminding the membership that God is unlikely to allow His temples to be foreclosed upon. Instead, they turn to their own scriptures for guidance.
“When Joseph Smith found the church in deep debt, the Lord did not turn his back on His people,” notes Elder Ballard. “D&C 111:5 says, ‘Concern not yourselves about your debts, for I will give you power to pay them.’ We now understand that Smith and Cowdery did not find the treasure in Salem, because the Lord provided another way out. That means, the treasures mentioned in D&C 111:10 are still there for the benefit of the Saints.”
According to Ballard, the Church has dispatched a team of apostles, seers and revelators with Joseph’s peep stones to various undisclosed New England (presumably including Salem, Massachusetts) and central east coast locations, and relying on the spirit of revelation, they expect to provide a bailout of their mortgage crisis that will cause “the gentiles to go green with envy.”
“Once again, the Church is the guiding light to the world,” notes Elder Ballard. “I’ve used the peep stones myself, and almost found enough treasure to bail out my own mortgage!” Although, Ballard noted that just as his shovel hit the hidden treasure box, it seemed to be pulled down deeper into the earth. “So close,” he said, snapping his fingers.
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