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 Now what with the spuds all put up, the hay all cut, the horses put away and whatnot, ole’ Rulon finds a tad more time on his hands than Sister Wesson cares for. She’s always chasin’ me out the house after I make helpful household cleaning suggestions, like tryin’ to clean the axle grease I just tracked in with a little WD-40 and peanut butter. She just glares at me and I know it’s time to high-tail it out to the barn with the mares!
So that’s why I put a old couch out there, a space heater and a bran’ spankin’ new big screen plasma what she don’t even know about, seein’ as she ain’t never stepped foot out in my barn since the time old Chester, my Appaloosa stud, took a shinning to her. Anyway, that’s when I happened to watch Jeff Foxworthy on Blue Collar Comedy--you ever seen that guy? Funniest dam--er, darn guy you’re gonna hear, but who’s not gonna burn your ears off. He got to talkin’ ‘bout some of his relatives, and suddenly, I had this blinding flash of inspiration, and had to sit down and rest for a spell, so overcome was I by the spirit.
So here for the edification of all you city folk, is a little insight into the redneck-blue-blooded Mormons of my Stake, and probably most any other Stake what’s got a good ole’ farmer for a President. Pull up a milkin’ stool and sit for a spell, and ponder the simple truth of my words.
You Might Be A Mormon Redneck if…
…you’ve ever gone to the store with just your garments on under your bib overalls.
…you’ve ever knocked the manure off your boots on your way into Sacrament Meeting (or forgot to).
…you keep your tithing money in an old coffee can.
…you’ve been late for Church because the tractor won’t go faster than 15 mph.
…more than eight of your kids have to sleep in the old cars in the yard.
…there’s a tobacco stain on your best white shirt.
…the Deseret Industries declines your mattress.
…you have a year’s supply of ammunition in the pantry.
…you fully expect to use deadly force to protect your food storage during the last days.
…you ever gave the Deacons several bales of hay on Fast Sunday.
…most of the Tupperware you take to Ward activities says “Cool Whip” on the side. And you still put your name on it.
…your snowmobile goes three times faster than your best truck.
…you hope your son is called on a mission to a Super Wal-mart.
…you’ve asked the Bishop, “How’s it hangin’?” And he replies, “A little to the left.”
…your horse can get you to Church whether you hold the reigns or not.
…you hid the First Counselor in your basement for three days as part of a Ward Service Project.
…you ever spent your tithing on the way to Church.
…your tattoo says, “Temple Worthy.”
…your father keeps a double-wide in Panquitch, Paragonah and Parowan, and that doesn’t disturb you. Your mother lives in one of them.
…you save the little plastic sacrament cups to use when company comes over.
…you put your trailer house on some mountain land and call it the Hill Cumorah.
…you’ve gone fishing on Sunday with the Bishop
…you drive 30 miles to your Ward building so you can toss your garbage in the Church dumpster
…you know that “Ward Social” means a “Pig pickin’”
…your rather extensive family is spread out in separate trailers on the same property, most of which is only accessible in a 4x4 vehicle.
…you attend weeknight ward events only because you can’t get cable or satellite “way out yonder” at your place.
…you’ve been stumped by the faucets in the Church because none of them have that pumping action.
…your Bishop keeps the baptismal font doors locked to keep people from bathing there during the week.
So now you know what it’s like out here in Squirrel! Here’s hopin’ your neck is red and your blood is blue and if your skin is white, then you’re downright patriotic, seems to me.
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