I am a 6th generation mormon born in the covenant. full 2 year mission married in the temple. I wrote this letter for my close family members regarding my beliefs and what had changed me.

 

Letter:

                                                                         

This will no doubt be a difficult letter to read for some of you but I feel that I owe an explanation and to provide some insight to my thoughts and actions of the last year or so.  My religious beliefs have changed in very fundamental ways and I cannot remain an active member of the LDS Church.  First, let me be clear that I have not committed a “sin” or other action that would deem me unworthy to be a member of the church.  I am, as always, faithful to my wife.  The only sin that may be levied against me is that I may “think” too much.  I have not been offended by anyone in the church.

 

 Back ground:

 

I have always been curious and somewhat suspect of the history of the church, such as polygamy and blacks not holding the priesthood until 1978. There are many more subjects but I’m just naming two for now.  In the past I had always brushed my questions aside and continued on in the faith just believing.  I have been through some circumstances in the church that made me call into question my true beliefs and led me to be honest with myself about certain aspects of the Mormon Church.For the past couple of years I have been less than eager to accept any church calling and when I did accept the calling I did not put any real effort into it.  I thought to myself, what is wrong with me?  One of the councilor’s in the bishopric asked me to accept a calling and I turned it down and told him I needed some time with no calling, he stated that he understood. I attended the Temple and really didn’t feel the same way as others describe it.

 

Breaking Point: 

 

2 months later I received a call from another member of the bishopric asking if he could come over and meet with me.  I told him to come on over.  I felt that I was going to be asked to accept another calling and that if I showed any hesitation he would tell me it was an inspired calling for me and that for some reason  God wanted me in that position.  My suspicion was correct and I asked if I could think about it and he gave me the whole inspired calling line.  After my meeting with him I truly felt I was being manipulated. It has been that way through most of my experience with the Mormon Church, guilt and manipulation.  I would sit in church meetings and listen in astonishment to leaders talks that were manipulative and look around at other church members and think “am I the only one who doesn’t like what’s being said?” My stake president in one of his talks said “don’t ever turn down a calling from your bishop!”  I am done with this type of worship.  As a human being I cannot accept this approach the church uses anymore.  As a father I don’t want my children subject or exposed to it.  

 

Investigation:

 

I began a search that took me to polygamy and the early days of the church.  I was always under the impression that Joseph Smith was only married to Emma.  I found that he had married at least 33 other women, some of them in their early teen years and some of them already married to other men, example of plural wife: Zina Jacobs.  It was very disturbing to me to find through personal journals of the women who married him that he had in fact had sexual contact with them and tried to hide the fact the he was practicing polygamy and polyandry by lying and covering up  the facts.  Joseph Smith used his position as leader in the church to manipulate and deceive women into marrying him based on the god given revelation to practice polygamy.  In my own view of what I have found I cannot accept this doctrine.  Why does the church not talk about Josephs other wives? Is it embarrassing to the church? Why do they suppress this type of history?  I have a good idea why.  I reject any and all excuses to the practice of polygamy and polyandry.  An interesting and scholarly book has been written regarding each of the wives of Joseph Smith, its title is called; in sacred loneliness.

 

I like John Adams View “Facts are stubborn things; and whatever may be our wishes, our inclinations, or the dictates of our passion, they cannot alter the state of facts and evidence”

 

 

Gordon B Hinckley has said on several occasions that the entire basis of Mormonism hangs on the validity of the first vision.  He stated that if it is false then it is the biggest fraud committed on the human race.  These statements encouraged me to read in Joseph Smith’s history the account of the first vision.  First let me relate that there are several versions told but the 1838 version is the one accepted as church history.  I read the account of the first vision with an open mind.  There are several points in the text that are eye opening to me that need to be pointed out.  First that Joseph never says in his account that he observed God and Christ. The only reference to deity is one of the personages says “this is my beloved son hear him”. Throughout the account Joseph refers to the beings that he saw as “personages”.  Joseph also refers to one of the personages as “He” and when Joseph has his chance to tell the world and his followers that he in fact did see God and Christ, Joseph again call’s the beings he saw as “personages”.  This is very disturbing to me.  What did he see? God and Christ or personages?  I know that if God and Christ appeared to me and gave me directions on how to live my life and information regarding the future salvation of souls I would not refer to them as personages.  I realize you may read this different than I do, but I cannot accept and base my eternal salvation on “personages”.  I expect what I would hear from a true prophet of God would be “I in fact spoke to God the Father and his Son Jesus Christ”  It is also helpful to search in religious terms what the actual meaning of the word “vision” is.

 

Enlightenment with a cost:

 

I am stunned that the church has been able to manipulate and control me and its members for so long.  Coming out of the fog of Mormonism for me has been an enlightening experience.  I see the world differently; I enjoy the world and life in general more, my thoughts and feeling are open to new ideas.  I don’t have that constant nagging feeling of self-doubt and guilt of not measuring up to the LDS church’s expectations. Leaving the church has changed my life for the better.   I maintain the good morals and ethics that the church and really most churches teach and encourage.  I am open an honest with myself and my beliefs.  This new awaking for my soul has come with a price to be paid.  I realize that this is hurtful and devastating to many family members namely my good wife who I’m sure is wondering what has happened to me, however I cannot live a lie.  I’m not going to attend Church and go through the motions because it’s easier.  I am not able to do that.  I need to be honest with myself, family, and friends.  I feel like a weight has been lifted off my shoulders.  The guilt and manipulation of the church does not affect me anymore. I know that there are many members of the church that don’t feel this way, but I would be willing to assume that there is a great portion of the church that thinks the way I do.  I think that the leaders of the church have good intentions.  They are just doing and believing what they have been taught from early childhood.  They have been taught to bare their testimonies from a very young age when they don’t really have a testimony.  They have been taught when young to say the church is “true” when they really don’t know for themselves. Thus the cycle continues into adulthood. Example; don’t question anything regarding what prophets have said, they will never lead you astray.

 

 I like Thomas Jefferson’s view.  “Question with boldness even the existence of God; because if there be one, he must certainly approve of the homage of reason, then that of blind-folded fear”.

 

 

  Fear of not being together forever as a family is an extremely powerful motivator and control mechanism.  It’s a manipulative doctrine at best.  I believe if I lead a good Christian life and my family does to, and we rely on forgiveness and Christ’s atonement, we will be together in heaven.  I don’t need to know a secret hand shake or phrase to enter heaven.  I don’t believe God operates like that.  Would he really do that to his children?  Would you feel comfortable having your own children required to know a secret hand shake and a phrase to get into your house after a long absence from home? I know I wouldn’t.  Really, step back and truly think about it…”Question with boldness”.

 

 

There are many other things that I find disturbing, at this point I will not bring them up.  My intention for this letter is to inform you of my situation and the reasons behind it.  Any religion that would tear apart families based on loyalty to a church over family is wrong.  My intention is not to call into question your own beliefs but to shed light on my choices.  The church teaches many good things but if they cannot be honest about its own history and let it stand on its own and have to rely on manipulation and guilt to run the church, I don’t want to be a part of it. 

How I feel now does not reflect my view of how I was raised and brought up.  As an adult I have developed my own thoughts, feeling, and beliefs based on my personal life experiences.  I love my family and appreciate being a member of it.