I was president of all of the various priesthood quorums in turn, as well as seminary president in high school. Needless to say I went on a mission (Japan) after my freshman year at BYU. Although I had the usual trials on my mission, I never questioned the truthfulness of the church.
I continued to serve faithfully after my mission, in student wards, and later in family wards. Of course I knew there were issues regarding church history, but they neither interested me, nor bothered me. My attitude was typical TBM: Why ask meaningless questions, when you already know the important answers?
Although my priesthood leaders always expressed appreciation for my service, in my own mind I was never doing enough - perfection, after all, was the goal. (Of course by any normal standard I was doing too much.) Then one day, when I was feeling particularly frustrated, I asked myself the all important question: If perfection isn’t practical, and we will all fall short, how much is “enough”? Is there a point system? Can one missed HT assignment be made up for by two sessions in the temple? Is there a chance I’ll arrive at heaven’s gate only to be told, “Oohh, so close. Looks like you’re short one hour of scripture study. Sorry. Tough luck.”?
These questions led me to question my motives. Was I working so hard simply to earn celestial points? I sincerely loved the people I was serving (as EQP at that particular time), but I realized a lot of my efforts didn’t seem to be serving any meaningful purpose. Was my real motivation an expectation of blessings, both earthly and eternal? If so, surely such selfishness wasn’t good. Was I hoping to avoid punishments? Again, this seemed self-serving. Surely my motives should be purer than that. Was it all for the glory of God? Though this seemed more selfless, I couldn’t picture a perfect God being so petty and egotistical. Surely he wouldn’t make us jump through meaningless hoops simply for his own pleasure.
I finally decided that I should just return to the basics, and try to be the best person possible, motivated simply by a love of my fellow man, as Christ taught. I never questioned my faith through any of this, but it was the beginning of the end.
For the next week I simply did what I felt was right, without worrying about it being righteous. I didn’t judge others for smoking or drinking coffee, and helped and loved people without being assigned. I didn’t even think of rewards or punishments. I felt a joy I’d never felt, and a heaviness that I’d never been aware of seemed to lift from my heart.
The next Sunday it hit me. I had turned down an invitation to participate in a community project that would have a real impact on many disadvantaged children. Why? So that I could sit and listen to someone make some meaningless point about Alma and his sons. In that moment the church seemed extremely irrelevant in the overall picture. That was my last day in church.
That was over fifteen years ago, and much has happened in between, but I have never felt even the slightest regret. Though relatively insignificant, I feel like I’ve made a far greater positive impact on the world than I ever could have had I stayed in the church. I’ve definitely gotten more from life than I would have.
I stumbled onto sites like Postmormon several years after leaving the church, and began reading about all of the issues that I’d never really thought about even after leaving, such as the BoA, BoM anachronisms and DNA issues, and all of the whitewashed history, and it all left me shaking my head wondering, “How did I ever believe any of that?”
I was single and living in Japan when I left, so I got out relatively painlessly (I now have a beautiful nevermo wife, and three happily nevermo children). It breaks my heart to read of the suffering so many have gone through, and continue to go through, because of the mormon church.
What are my thoughts on religion now? I don’t really think about it. I’ll live the best life I can, free of guilt or expectation, and let the gods fight over who has to take me when I die. If I need to be labeled, I suppose “apathetic agnostic” is as good as anything.