"But there's one thing I could never forgive-that those so called'righteous'religious people trust and respect others only when they are meek, uniform, predictable, and under total control, like slaves!"

This sentence is part of a personal note I wrote to my husband less than two years ago, when we were about five months into our relationship, right before we got engaged.  He was a Mormon, serving his mission in Bulgaria, and I was a woman who never thought she would marry a foreigner or leave her homeland.  Now, I have been living in the States for 11 months, and in my opinion the most important topic under discussion should be the depth of religious indoctrination and how its victims lose their capability to even imagine that some of us don't need God to get up in the morning, to create and experience rich, fulfilling, ethical, beautiful existence for ourselves.

See, half of Bulgaria's 13 centuries history is a history of slavery and savage annihilation.  Byzantines, Ottoman Turks, Communists-they all took their share.  The last ones banned religion, as being"opium for the masses", and outlawed its expression and the freedom of choice.  I don't remember these times, because I was born in 1981 and in the 90s Bulgaria was already a democratic country, but the state's policy during the Communist period did strongly affect both religious and non-religious people.

The official religion in Bulgaria is Orthodox Christianity.  If you know something about the different denominations, that particular branch seems like the least harmful one.  I mean, the worst that can happen is the priests bickering and pronouncing anathemas at each other.  Except for the liturgies and the main holidays, churches are quiet, slightly gloomy(despite the candles)places, where you are good to go and pray, and no one pries into your private life, unless you specifically ask for help.  I guess keeping a low profile is what has enabled this type of chucrh to survive, and also the lack of brainwashing and proselytizing.

Yet when the Berlin Wall and the Iron Curtain fell, borders were opened and all possible sorts of protestant faiths and dangerous cults tried to set foot on our soil, including the Mormons.  My family has never been religious.  My grandparents had their simple belief in a good God, the kind of a naturalistic, naive, countryside belief.  My mother always told me she couldn't enter a church, due to a childhood abuse(she had been locked up in a basement with other kids, and beaten, because of their innocent wish to attend the Easter service one year.  I grew up without the influence of religion until I joined the LDS church at the age of 19.

Without any further explanation, you are probably assuming, and your assumption is right, that that was the most horrible part of my life.  I didn't join because I was a die-hard believer in the doctrine, I joined because I was"bombarded"with love and given explanations for things I really didn't bother knowing.  Looking back, it is very painful for me to remember I have fallen for manupilative tactic that's old as the world.  But obviously exactly because I have been that sensitive, spiritual, smart, and tormented person, its wicked charm has worked.

To make the long story short, at 19 I was unaware of my true self, of the true principles around which I construct my personality and everyday decisions.  I discovered I percieve life through my heart, although being quite rational, doubtful, and intelligent(for me heart and mind are compatible, not in opposition; my husband calls me explosive intellectual:).  I found out I don't need personal God or any form of God to be alive and to understand what that means to me.  I came out as bisexual.  I opened up for the knowledge that my years of conscious life haven't been normal at all, in respect to building self-esteem, relationships, handling stress, doing things for the fun of it.  I admitted I have zero tolerance for injustice and the empty church rethoric.  And the fact of crucial importance here-I learned to recognize abuse, I realized my body has been abused at home, but my mind, spirit and emotions have been abused by the Mormon church as well.

Still, I had no social life, no support from anywhere, and I continued to go, even though the newly discovered truths about myself, and the study of the church's history and practices I did, made me avert my face and resign.  My love story was the last nail in the coffin.  I was so foolish to believe people regarded me with genuine respect, I worked for some of them, I thought they would be happy I am involved with a guy(in contrast to the relationship with a woman I could have been in).  They took my love aside and told him that these things happen, that he should go back home, find a molly mormon girl to marry to, and forget about me because I am not worthy for him.
When he shared their"verdict"with me, I became livid.  I wrote the words my story begins with and compose my resignation letter.  I couldn't imagime, in my worst nightmares, that I could stay affiliated with an organization like that a minute more!

During the course of two years my husband and I went through being friends and confidants, then best friends, lovers(after the end of his mission because, you know, the strict missionary code-no physical contact or romantic involvment with the opposite sex!), spouses, partners in this life, and are ready to go beyond.  We cherish our deep connection and are willing to explore the adventures future holds for us.  He loves me very much, treats me with dignity, and has never been abusive, either verbally or physically.  I am an equal human being for him.  But...

I don't know how to call him.  We don't discuss religion or him being member of the church still(at least on paper).  I have never seen him pray, read the Scriptures or do anything of the like.  He doesn't attend Sunday service.  He doesn't meet with the people from his local ward.  But recently he said that they all remember him with good, and maybe he should go back-there are social benefits to that.  The whole thing is like a secret brotherhood where they give you job opportunities, help you with college, look after your family in case something happens to you, etc.

So, I said,"Well then, why don't you go?  What is stopping you?  I don't even ask to know whether you have any belief in God left or want to do it for completely selfish reasons.  I am your wife but it is not my business to judge you".  His reply was,"As my wife, they will expect you to come, too".  I am not an equal human being for that church.  I am a social decoration!  What I envision or desire for myself doesn't matter.

Do you see now the depth of brainwashing and indoctrination I was talking about?

Thank you for reading my story.  I know it's long and my English is not perfect.

UPDATE: As of now, the beginning of 2012, my husband self-describes himself as an atheist.  He left the church, and religion in general, behind his back.  He is happier and calmer, and looks for other ways to intergrate in society.