MY STORY
I am the 3rd child of 7 children. 6 girls and 1 boy. I come from parents with strong and long Mormon histories. I also come from parents who were very abusive.
I am sure that my father was sexually abusing all of us children at birth. I have memories of watching him fondle my baby siblings while changing diapers. I am sure he did it to all of us. He is a very master manipulator and learned early on with my oldest sister how to work the system, the legal system, and the church system. He got caught with her and had to go to civil court, and it was that experience where he learned better how to hide things. He has had at least 5 ‘courts of love’ that I know about, and has come out of all unscathed. Even when many of us children, as adults, wrote letters describing the abuse, and I even talked to SP about it on the phone, my father was able to talk his way out of it. He raped me at age 10 and my younger sister at age 8 in a motel room. It happened to both of us at the same night, we were in separate beds and he took turns with us.
I eventually told my mother some of what was going on when I was 13. That is when the sexual abuse stopped for me, and got worse for my younger sister. He was good at finding the child he could manipulate the most, and sticking with that child. I endured years of physical and mental and spiritual abuse from him after that. He belittled me, called me fat, stupid, and all those horrible things that could tear down a teen. I lived a cruel life with my father.
My mother was abusive in her own way. She knew what was going on, and did nothing to stop it. She denies it to this day that she knew anything. I wonder how stupid she must think I am. I was 8 years old when my older two sisters were taken away from our family and my father had to go to civil court because of abusing them. My oldest sister was taken away and put into foster care because of it. My father had to go to counseling. It was in her face, she knew what he was doing, what he was capable of. Less than 2 years later, she allowed that man to take my younger sister and I away for a weekend, knowing we would be staying in a hotel room, and she knew what he was capable of. Yet, she let him take us anyway. She has made it her life’s work to deny and play a victim roll where my father’s abuse is concerned. I can list many many times she knew he was abusing us, and she did nothing to stop him. Many times she would warn us kids not to do this or that, like sit on his lap, or she would make us stop straddling him while giving him a chest rub. Instead of stopping him from abusing us, she would stop us from being available. Twisted.
We were active in the church all my life while living at home. We were the family that all sat together and done up for church. My father has a gift for charm. He can talk to anyone about anything. He is very knowledgeable in the ‘gospel’ and was for many years the GD teacher. He served in bishoprics and taught temple prep classes. He played the part well, and the church helped him hide the monster he was to his family.
My mother did all the RS things perfectly. She stayed at home, baked, did crafts, was a faithful visiting teacher, all the things to make her seem like she was the prefect Mormon mother. From the outside, we looked like a wonderful strong family. We lived in poverty, but that was an acceptable sacrifice. Having money was evil. We lived in the backwoods of Oregon, so there were no neighbors to see or report what was really going on. The perfect life to hide abuse.
I spent my teen years doing what my parents wanted, what the church wanted. I attended seminary, worked on getting my YW medallions, memorized scriptures, everything I was supposed to do. I shunned my friend who got pregnant at 15 because she was ‘unworthy’ of my friendship. She was LDS, how could she do THAT!! I was becoming the perfect, judgmental young woman who would fall into the rut of the good Mormon wife one day.
When I was 15 I met my now husband. There was a rule in my house that before we could date, the boy would have to come over and have a ‘visit’ with my parents. This guy was not LDS, so it was imperative that he know and understand our moral values and what was expected. So, one evening he came over and the two of us sat across from my parents and for 2 hours they explained that he would have to go to church, that I could not date until I was 16 but that he was welcome to come over and visit until then. He was told about Mormonism and all sorts of rules and values and shit. He sat through it, and endured the entire lecture. I must note, that the idea of this ‘meeting’ was to scare him off. They had done it with my two older sisters, and it had always worked. This guy though was different. It did not scare him off. He continued to come over and went to church, and about 5 months later was baptized. Not because he believed, but because he wanted to date me.
We dated for about 18 months. It was a nightmare relationship. We fought all the time. He wanted to have sex; I wanted to go to the temple. He was a normal, nice guy, I was a mixed up abused girl who didn’t know the first thing about how to have a relationship. For some reason it lasted much longer than expected. We broke up 3 weeks before I turned 17.
After the break up, I went into a tail spin. That boyfriend was the only stable person in my life and now he was gone. My father said I could not date anyone because he never trusted me, he trusted the boyfriend I had. I thought, WTF!! I did nothing wrong with my boyfriend, and now I am not trusted??? That was it for me. I started lying, cheating, and having sex. The first person I had sex with was actually that boyfriend right before he left to move to another state. I wanted him back so badly, that I let it happen. Then he left again. Soon I had a new boyfriend and was having sex like rabbits. He told me he could not have children, and I believed him. My parents were tired of having to deal with me, so they sent me a state away to live with my aunt and uncle. It was there I learned I was pregnant.
So, into the bishop’s office I went to confess my sins. For over an hour I sat in a room with 4 grown old men as I was asked questions. How many times did I have sex, where, how many different positions, was it ever oral, how many partners, did I masturbate also. That was an awful experience and I felt very embarrassed. Why did they need to ask me such personal questions??? I was pregnant. OBVIOUSLY I had sex. That should have been the end of it.
I had my baby girl, and a week later that first boyfriend shows up to visit. He falls in love with my daughter, and 5 months later we are married. We had a pretty good first few years living far away while in the Navy. Things went to crap when we moved back close to my parents after the Navy. We went to church and a year later went through the temple. I hated the initiatory part. Felt sexually assaulted allover again while ladies are touching my naked body. I never verbalized it though because it was a sacred thing that you don’t think negatively about.
The temple happened in Jan of 1992. This began 17 years of church attendance. At least for me. My husband was never an LDS man, but he played the part on the outside to make me happy. I on the other hand, ate it up. I did every thing I was supposed to do. I played the roll perfectly. Excelled in RS responsibilities. I held positions in presidencies most of the years I was active. Always putting 110% into my callings. I was praised all the time and people counted on me. I am sure the praise and positive attention was what I was craving at this point in my life. Never in my entire life up to this point had I ever been praised. It felt good. I needed it. I craved it.
Unfortunately, all this time and energy devoted to the church came at a cost to my family. I was depressed at home. Slept most of the day. Had horrible migraines. I felt stressed and like I was two different people. I was unhappy. All the years I was living active, I was unhappy. I learned from my childhood how to be two different people. I was kind and pleasant and positive while at church, but at home I was depressed, sad and miserable.
In 2002 we moved to Utah. Ugh.
We moved close by my mother. Ugh.
This is when things really started to unravel for me. My husband was angry, unhappy, and miserable that I forced us to move here. He loved Oregon, and had a great job, and I took control and forced the issue. He hated the church by now, and stopped attending. Even getting a part time job on Sundays to avoid church. He was treated awful by ward members because he was not a good Mormon man. I got caught up in it and started seeing him as a negative.
My mother got into my head. She hates men, and had me headed on that path. My youngest sister separated from her husband because he was not active, and this was something you did when your husband leaves the church – you divorce him. I became her daycare. I was a mess. Trying to defend my abusive mother in my head so I wouldn’t see the poison she was. I was trying to help my sister leave her husband, and that just never felt right. I had my own 4 kids, and now my sisters 2 boys that I was taking care of. My husband was angry and miserable. I was holding down 3 callings in church and trying to play that part. All the while I was miserable.
July of 2008 my bishop called me into his office. As I sat there he talked about how wonderful I was, how I did my callings beautifully. He talked about how faithful I was and how much of an asset I am to the ward. On and on praise. It was making me sick to hear him flower me like that. Then he starts in on my family. He has concerns for my adult daughter who was not married in the temple yet. Perhaps she was living in a way that was not attracting the right young man. He tears into my son for not serving a mission. The bishop was sure my son had pornography issues and was probably having sex. My two teen daughters he was worried about falling into the same paths as their two older siblings. Then the bomb fell on my husband. He rips into what a bad example he is to his family for not being active. What a terrible example he is for not doing service when asked. On and on about what a horrible father, husband, and man he is. I just shook my head and sat there fighting the tears. How could he say these things about my family? I have a wonderful husband who has been patient with me and loved me through all my craziness. I have 4 strong wonderful kids. That was a turning point for me.
A few months later I discussed this conversation with my mother. By this time she and my stepfather (who is also my uncle) had built a house right behind us and had been living in our ward for about 18 months. She right off the bat defended my bishop. She said the line she used with my father for years, ‘He has his good points, and we should hold onto those’. Made my stomach turn. It was a slap in my face. It was at that moment that I realized I did not matter to my mother. The church matters. Period.
This all happened with my mother in November of 2008. I realized at this moment that I had been living a lie all my life. ALL MY LIFE. I talked at length with my husband about things, and he was relieved after all these years that I was seeing what he saw all along. I decided I needed to make a break.
I decided to go back to school. My oldest sister had planted this seed in my head, and it gave me the avenue to make a break. In January I took a class at the local community college. To do this, I had to stop watching my nephews, and get released from my callings. It was LIBERATING!! I loved class. I learned that I was not stupid, my parents were wrong. In fact, before I started the class my mother had told me that I should not get my hopes up because I did not retain information well, and was not that smart. Another WTF moment.
I excelled in the class, and decided to take the C.N.A. course in March. At this same time, my Gramie, who was living with my mother, passed away. With all that was going on with the funeral, and school, and the busy life I had, it was the perfect opportunity to make my final break. I stopped going to church. The first Wed. of March I took off my garments. It was weird at first, but after I blinked, it was great. I have not and will not step back into an LDS building ever again. That building symbolized pain, abuse and hurt to me, and I will not ever go back. I will not and can not support family or anyone who invites me to a church function either. I wasted 40 years of my life with church and being abused. I refuse to allow another second to be taken away from me by the church.
Interestingly, a few weeks after my Gramie passed away I had a dream about her where in the dream I had died and met her in a meadow. She said that I had to die so she could give me a message that the church was false. What matters most is that we live a good life and are kind to others. She then told me to go back to earth and to live my life. It was a profound moment for me. I don't know if it was real, or if it was just my mind helping me to adjust to the changes I was making. I treasured my grandmother. She was a rock for me all my life. She hated my mother, but was trapped with living with my mother since my mother was her caregiver for years.
The remainder of this last year has been awesome. My relationship with my husband is wonderful. He is my best friend. My kids are all away from the church, and we are all happy and enjoy time together. I got my first job in 22 years and love it.
It has amazed me how much time I have to spend with my family. I am not stressed about getting my callings ready for Sundays. We now enjoy relaxing on Sunday, taking in a movie or going shopping. In Utah, Sundays are quiet around town so shopping is nice.
I think back on all the years I spent trying to believe in the church and I realized early this year that I never really believed it. What I have found is that it was familiar. The abuse I suffered as a child and the control was mirrored in the church. I did not know any other way to live. Once I figured this out, it was easy to leave. I had often wondered over the year if I would miss this part, or that part, but honestly I do not miss any of it. I never believed it, so what is there to miss.
It has been nice living without all the ‘chatter’ in my head. That is all the second guessing and fear that my mind would go through all day long. I could never make a decision without all the chatter going on while I am trying to decide. My mind is quiet now and making decisions is much easier.
I do have not had any contact with my father for over 10 years. He is still out there and still active in the church. He continues to play the part and get away with it. He is part of the holy priesthood, and they are protected.
I do not have any contact with my mother either. She is still living behind my back yard, but we do not talk. She is playing the roll of the victim still and tells others that she does not understand what has happened to me. She is sure it is a lot to do with the influence of my husband, and now me being out in the world. The church is all she needs. I find it interesting that she and my father both are so active in a church that promises the celestial kingdom and them knowing what they have done, they still think they will both be there.
It is hard having her so close, but I will not let her control where I live. I love my home and do not plan to move. She watches me from her house, and at first it bothered me, but now I am fine with it. Let her see how happy my family is. Let her see that I don’t need her or her influence in my life. She dug this hole, and she can live in it. My children were never close to her, she tears them down when she talks to them, so it has been easy for them to walk away from her.
I thank all the posters on this site for helping me to think about things. I can never express the joy and happiness that I have found in my life since leaving the church. Fortunately for me and my family, my husband takes no crap from anyone, so we have never become a project for the ward. We are never bothered. My husband will not hesitate to tell someone off and defend our family. He is the gentlest man I know, but he has a look about him that is very intimidating.
I look forward to enjoying the next years of my life church free. Even in Utah, you can be happy and can find friends that are not LDS. I have a wonderful job now and for the first time in my entire life I can be myself and not feel I have to play a part. The people at my job like me for me, and have no idea of my church background. I feel free.
This is my story.
Kristine